


Connect the Dots

by JennaLee



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Anal Sex, Barebacking, Comedy, Fluff, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, Pining, Rimming, Smut, Solo Ross fun, dildo, mentions of biphobia, oblivious boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:33:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 42,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JennaLee/pseuds/JennaLee
Summary: When Holly leaves the country, Ross is left to his own devices, which usually spells out bad news. And when Barry suddenly becomes single, Ross is blindsided by the sudden return of the feelings he'd thought were long buried - as well as the revelation that Barry isn't as straight as Ross had always thought.Unfortunately, both men are completely, hilariously oblivious to what's happening between them.Even more so than Dan and Arin.





	1. One

“I don’t want you to go,” Ross said miserably as they wound their way through the bustling crowds. Ross was used to the stress of LA traffic and busy airports, but he was already in a mood and everything was grating on his nerves. He’d slept like shit the night before.

“I know, I know,” Holly sighed. She looked a little worn, too, although she was as beautiful as ever. “I didn’t want to go alone, either. I wish you could come.”

Ross could already feel the oppressive emptiness of their house. “I wish I could, too.”

Holly wasn’t going away just for fun. A good friend of Holly’s in Scotland had lost her father, who was her only living relative. Needless to say, said friend was not holding up very well. Said friend also had a four year old, a pair of two-and-a half-year-old twins, and a baby almost a year old - and their father wasn’t around anymore. She hadn’t asked Holly for help, but Holly volunteered anyway, because that was the kind of person Holly was. And Ross loved her for it.

Normally, Ross would have been happy to help - he was _good_ with kids, okay, and kids loved him - but he had already committed himself to several projects that he couldn’t leave, and plus he had promised to do a charity stream with Arin and Barry, and he didn’t like to disappoint the fans. 

And so Holly set about making endless notes and lists on all the birds and their individual needs, giving Ross stern warnings about subsisting on nothing but milk for twenty days, and finally, as an afterthought, packing herself a small suitcase.

The boarding call rang out from the speakers. Ross groaned out loud. “Fuck,” he said in dismay as people started to queue, as if he had only just realized the inevitability of her departure. “I’ll miss you so much.”

“I know.” Holly kissed Ross one last time on the corner of the mouth and said, “I’ll miss you too. I love you. Stay out of trouble.”

“I love you too, and I will,” Ross said, and she just laughed her big beautiful laugh and waved at him as she joined the queue. Ross stared after her, a big dumb roadblock in the middle of a busy airport, until a huge lady with a purse the size of a small child nearly rammed into him from behind.

Twenty days was a long time for Ross to be alone. He already knew he was going to get into some kind of trouble that would have been prevented if Holly was there to help. Holly made things seem so simple when _she_ explained them. Holly knew when to give Ross a hug and when to give him a metaphorical kick in the ass to push him in the right direction. Really, most of the problems in his life could be solved easily if Holly would just tell him what to do before he did it. Ross was impulsive and emotional, and such a combination was like fire and gasoline.

Ross drove home from the airport feeling tired and grey, wondering what mess he was going to get himself into this time.

He didn’t have to wait long.

It all started the very day after she left, when Arin fucking Hanson barged into his office like a lumbering dinosaur and grabbed the back of Ross’s chair. 

“Jesus fuck!” Ross squawked indignantly as Arin spun him around and loomed over him. 

“Have you heard from Barry?” Arin asked, perfectly unconcerned with Ross’s plight.

“You scared the shit out of me!”

“Sounds like a you problem.” 

“Most people _knock_.” That was pure bullshit - none of them _knocked_ , this was the Grump Space and everybody was welcome everywhere. Ross just liked to be ornery. “I could have been jerking off, you know.”

“I guess it’s not my lucky day,” Arin answered sadly, his eyes dancing. “I mean, if you’d like to start, feel free…”

The corners of Ross’s mouth quirked as Arin’s eyebrows went up and down. Normally Ross delighted in needling people until they grew uncomfortable, figuring out how to take things just one step too far, but making Arin uncomfortable was a challenge. And right now, Ross was tired and lonely and missing his wife like crazy and he didn’t feel up to par.

“I think I’ll pass,” he conceded, elegantly opting for a draw rather than risk defeat.. “What’s up? What do you need Barry for?”

“Have you talked to him at all since this weekend?” Arin pressed.

Ross frowned. Come to think of it, he hadn’t - and Barry hadn’t answered the text Ross had sent Saturday night. Ross hadn’t noticed. Holly’s departure had been at the forefront of his mind. “No, actually. Why? Is something wrong?”

Arin sobered quickly. “You didn’t hear?”

“Hear what?”

“His girlfriend left him, dude.” Arin lowered his voice. “When he got home from that show on Saturday, all her stuff was gone. No note, nothing. She’s just _gone._ ”

Ross’s self pity vanished - well, it didn’t vanish entirely, but it swooped far back into a corner of his brain so he could pull it out again to sulk at a more proper moment - and he stared at Arin with wide eyes. “Holy shit,” he blurted. “Mary’s gone? Where?”

“I don’t know if he knows,” Arin said slowly, looking around as if to make sure nobody was trying to eavesdrop, “but Suzy knows a friend of hers, and apparently heard that Mary drove to fucking Sacramento to live with some dude who she’s never even met. Some rando who used to like and comment on every selfie she posted on Instagram. He has a truck, and he came down to help her haul her stuff out. She must have been planning it. What a coward,” he added in disgust. “She could have told him face to face, at least.”

The idea of Barry being dumped was heartbreaking. The idea of him being dumped for some asshole who could never be as cute or sweet or handsome as Barry was infuriating. Ross’s fists clenched and he bit his lip to avoid saying the word that Americans all took such offence to - the one started with _c_ and rhymed with _blunt_. When he had taken several deep breaths through his nose, he simply said, “What the fuck, man. What the _fuck._ ”

“I know, dude. Poor Barry,” Arin picked at his red-painted fingernail. “But you know, I think he’s better off without her.”

Ross mulled over that as he discreetly ate another piece of beef jerky. He had stolen it from Arin the day before. “Yeah?” He had never liked her either, but of course he’d had the decency not to say anything. “How so?”

“ _You_ know,” Arin said meaningfully - and Ross _did_ know. “She never really meshed with the rest of us. And it was almost like she resented him spending time with us, too.”

That was true. Ross had liked her fine when they first met. She wasn’t as funny as Barry, but Ross supposed few people were. The first time they’d hung out together was great fun. Ross and Holly had gone out on a few double dates with them - and sometimes even triple dates, with Arin and Suzy - but as the months went on, these fun evenings became more and more scarce, and Mary grew more distant. Ross felt almost uncomfortable whenever he visited Barry when she was home, as he was sure there was a coldness in her eyes whenever she looked at him. And it wasn’t just paranoia. Holly noticed it, too. “What did you do to her, Ross?” she’d asked, amused. And Ross, who honestly had no idea, just laughed it off and quipped, “Maybe she found my Mario Maker levels.”

Ross looked at Arin and nodded slowly. “I know what you mean,” he said, and then added, lamely: “But Barry seemed happy.”

Arin shrugged. “I don’t know about that. They’ve had their problems before. Probably more than he let on.”

“Yeah?” Ross never heard Barry talk about his girlfriend much. And he hadn’t asked. He preferred to forget she existed as much as possible.

Arin ran a hand through his hair idly. “I don’t want to gossip, but some of the stuff I heard secondhand pissed me off so bad. I told Barry ages ago that if she didn’t respect his sexuality, then she didn’t respect _him_ , but he sort of brushed that off and I didn’t want to come off as preachy, so I let it go.”

Ross ate another piece of jerky, wondering how Barry was doing and wondering if he should give him a call or not. “She didn’t respect what?” he asked, distracted. Maybe Barry needed space. If not, Ross would zoom over in a heartbeat and keep him company. Bring a case of beer and a bunch of movies, maybe fall asleep together, smushed on the couch…

“Him being into dudes,” Arin said placidly.

Ross waited for the punch line. None came. His eyes widened and he looked up at Arin, completely dumbfounded. “Barry’s _what?_ ”

Horror dawned on Arin’s face. “Oh, my God, was that - was that a secret? You didn’t know? Did I just out him? Oh, fuck me. Jesus, Ross, please don’t tell him I told you. I just thought - you two are so close, I thought for sure he would have told you…”

Ross felt like there was something stuck in the back of his throat. He looked at Arin mutely.

“You didn’t know,” Arin repeated, horrified. “I’m a terrible fucking person, holy shit. I fucking outed someone. I - ” He swallowed hard. “Fuck. Ross, you know me, you know I didn’t mean to betray him like that…”

 _No,_ Ross wanted to say. _It’s not your fault. I would have thought he’d tell me first, too._ But all he managed was a very pathetic little choked noise.

Silence descended as Ross and Arin looked at each other. Ross thought he saw a gleam of understanding and sympathy in those warm brown eyes, but Arin wisely chose not to say anything - and Ross was not about to blurt out any of the thoughts whirling though his head, either.

 _He didn’t tell me. He told Arin, but not me._ Ross didn’t know how to take that. It hurt to know that he wasn’t trusted. Barry had told him that he was his best friend. Ross felt the same way about Barry….well, not _quite_ the same way, maybe. But Barry was definitely his best friend too.

 _What if he knows?_ an insidious voice hissed in his mind, quiet as the slither of wind through the leaves. _What if you haven’t been hiding it at all, and he knows, he knows and it freaks him out, he didn’t want you thinking you stood a chance, because you don’t…_

“Are you okay?” Arin asked softly, knowingly. _Too_ knowingly. Was his face that easy to read? Could Barry also tell just by looking at him that -

Ross refused to be drawn into that. Not right now. He forced his face into a bland smile. “I’m fine,” he said, totally blasé. “I’m not the one who got dumped. My life is great. Why would I not be fine?”

Arin sighed and patted him on the shoulder. Ross could still see the guilt was bothering him by the little crease in his forehead. “I’ll let you get back to work,” he said. “I’m gonna go get lunch before Dan shows up.”

“Mmm,” Ross said. “Sure.”

When Arin ruffled his hair affectionately, Ross stuck out his tongue and licked his arm.

“Gross, dude,” Arin said in his normal voice, piercing the tension. They both laughed. Then Arin looked at Ross’s desk more closely and said, “Is that my beef jerky?”

“No.” Ross thrust the bag into his lap and shoved it beneath his butt. “Now it’s my beef jerky.”

Arin laughed and tried to tug the bag free. “You’re such an asshole.”

“You ate the last doughnut on Thursday.”

“You don’t even like the chocolate glazed ones.” 

“But I like when you don’t get to enjoy them.” Ross wriggled his hips, grinding his ass down on the sad flat bag as Arin kept fighting for it. “It’s butt jerky now. You want some of my butt jerky, Arin?”

Ross knew he sounded stupid. He was trying too hard. Arin knew it too, but he smiled anyway.

“I can pick you right up off that jerky and throw you across the room,” he threatened cheerfully.

“Not before I fart on it.”

“Gross,” Arin said again, with another sigh. “Goddammit, Ross.”

But he ruffled Ross’s hair again before he left. Nothing more was said about stolen beef jerky, and Ross did not face any of the usual pranks he would have normally received as payback for such a brazen theft. Ross, who did not like to be pitied, bought two new bags when he went out for lunch and left them in the kitchen for Arin - and heckled Dan mercilessly and undeservedly when he came upon them first and ate half of one bag, totally ignorant of the selfless gesture Ross had been aiming for. 

Ross sucked a finger into his mouth and stuck it into Dan’s ear, much to the amusement of Matt and Ryan, who arrived just in time to witness Ross’s act of revenge.

**

Ross had almost forgotten how hard he’d fallen in love with Barry, so great were his efforts to hide it.

Sure, he knew he’d been attracted to Barry since the day they met. But, being that Ross had been literally days away from marrying the most perfect woman in the universe, he didn’t pay much attention at the time. When Barry’s back was turned, Ross had given him a quick approving glance, thinking to himself, _Huh, he’s cute._

In the whirlwind of events that followed - sorting out last minute details, dealing with getting all his family flown in from Australia and settled in his house and nearby hotels, and trying to cope with the excitement of getting to marry his best friend and be with her forever - he soon forgot all about Arin’s cute friend. Barry had been just another face in the crowd on the day of his wedding.

Of course, Barry would become a permanent fixture in Ross’s life from then on. And over the next several years, Ross came to know that what he felt for Barry was more than a crush. Ross was completely, foolishly, head-over-heels in love with Barry Kramer. And the only thing he could do about it was do nothing at all.

It wasn’t that Holly would mind. She’d been the one to introduce Ross to the idea of polyamory in the first place. And it wasn’t that Ross had any hang-ups about his own sexuality. Maybe he’d never done anything with another guy before, but he didn’t find anything particularly scary about the thought. And Barry - at the time - had been single. 

But Barry was _straight_. Barry liked girls. Ross knew he liked girls. Ross was not and would never be a girl. 

Ross told himself that he didn’t care. Barry was one of the best people he’d ever known and his friendship was a gift. Ross would just have to learn how to get over his useless feelings.

Ross drove slowly home after work that day, his mind racing. It was late in the evening by the time he left. The sky was a magnificent amber colour, and the ocean out on the horizon was a shimmering violet, but Ross was far too distracted to notice such earthly matters. 

Of course, he felt bad for Barry - no matter how mean Mary was, being dumped sucked. Being dumped unexpectedly for another guy sucked harder. And leaving for a concert on a beautiful weekend day and coming home to discover you were dumped for another guy had to suck harder than Dan sucked at video games. 

With that in mind, Ross felt guilty that what bothered him the most was that Barry - his best friend - hadn’t been open with him about the problems he’d been having or the fact that he had apparently come out to Arin fucking Hanson and then decided not to come out to Ross.

It was a silly, selfish, entitled thought. Barry was certainly under no obligation to tell Ross all the details of his personal life. And if he felt more comfortable talking to Arin about it, then that was none of Ross’s business either. It was stupid to be upset. Ridiculous and childish and stupid.

Ross was upset anyway.

His phone rang just as he got home, and his mood picked up a little when he saw that it was Holly. 

“Hey, Ross!” She sounded as happy as ever. Ross could hear commotion in the background - voices, a dog barking, a TV playing, children shrieking - and she had to talk a little more loudly than usual to be heard. “I know I should have called you when I got in last night, but - ”

“Things are a little crazy over there?”

“You could say that. The kids miss their grandpa, and don’t really understand - _Liam, no, honey, that’s not for eating -_ where he went. They’re not on their best behaviour. Amelia’s doing her best trying to get the funeral all arranged, but it’s hard since a lot of their relatives live in Canada and we’re trying to see how many people we can take at her place here.”

“I knew you were gonna be busy.” Ross curled up on the couch. “I was going to call you soon if I hadn’t heard from you. Figured you might forget.”

“As if I’d forget about you.” Holly’s tone changed; her voice grew soft and warm, the way she spoke when only Ross could hear. His chest ached and he realized, for the billionth time, just how much he loved her.

“How’s Amelia doing?” Ross liked her, though she was more Holly’s friend than his. “She holding up okay?”

“As well as could be expected. It’s hitting her pretty hard. But she puts on a brave front, and she has to stay upbeat for the kids. Oh, jeeze - Emma, please don’t bite your brother, sweetie, that’s not nice - ”

Ross waited patiently until Holly came back to their conversation and said, “How’s work going? How are my babies?”

“Mojo won’t stop sleeping on your shoes and staring at the door. The others are okay. The birds miss you, obviously. And work is fine, except for - ” He stopped himself. The last thing Holly needed was to be burdened with such unimportant details. “Never mind,” he finished.

“Except what? Ross, what’s wrong?”

“Um.” Ross drummed his fingers on his thigh and thought about how to answer that without rambling for twenty minutes. A baby began to cry loudly, drowning out the theme song from _Bubble Guppies_. “Nothing’s wrong. I just miss you.”

“Ross, that’s sweet, but I know when you’re lying.”

Ross opened his mouth again when one of the kids - probably the one-year-old - screamed. He winced and nearly dropped the phone.

“Sorry, sorry, hold on one second.” Ross heard rustling noises as Holly put the phone down. He could hear her, talking to the baby in her birb voice, the sounds moving as if Holly were pacing around the room. Despite his bad mood, Ross couldn’t help but smile. 

In two minutes she was back, sounding slightly out of breath. “Where were we?”

“Barry’s girlfriend dumped him for some other guy,” Ross blurted.

“ _What?_ ”

“Barry’s girlfriend - ”

“No, no, I heard you, but - _why?_ What happened? What other guy?”

“Dunno,” Ross said, “Some guy she knew from Instagram, or something? Barry went out on Saturday and came home and her stuff was gone.”

“Poor Barry,” Holly said fervently. After a beat, she added, “Well, I guess she’s no big loss, but…I’m sure he feels terrible.”

“She was a bitch.”

“I wouldn’t put it so bluntly.” But even Holly sounded hesitant to disagree.

“I would.”

“So…what does this mean for you?” 

“What do you mean?” Ross asked quickly.

He could almost _hear_ Holly raise her eyebrows. “What do you think I mean, Ross?”

“It means nothing,” Ross said after a beat. “Of course it means nothing.”

“I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me,” she gently prodded.

He couldn’t out Barry, especially not over the phone. He couldn’t tell her how Barry hadn’t trusted him where he had trusted Arin, how much that knowledge hurt Ross. “I can’t say. Not right now. It would involve me having to tell you something personal about someone else.”

“I understand,” Holly said. “Whatever it is, you can handle it, okay?”

A noise that sounded to Ross like demons rising from Hell burst through the phone like static and it took him a minute to realize it was the sound of kids laughing. “Jesus.”

“They’re pretty worked up,” Holly said, apologetically. 

“Maybe I should go. We can talk later when the kids fall asleep.”

“If they fall asleep,” Holly corrected, sounding weary. “Ross, are you sure you’re alright?” 

Ross wished like hell he could see her, hug her, smell her musty-sweet hair. He’d heard that distance was good for relationships but he could never stand being parted from his wife. “I will be.”

“Okay.” Holly sounded doubtful. “Give Barry a hug from me, tell him to keep his chin up, okay?”

“I will,” Ross promised. As if he had to be told to hug Barry.

There was a loud double-thump followed by the sound of small galloping feet. “Oh, fudge,” Holly muttered, which made Ross laugh. Only a day in Scotland and Holly was already in full babysitter mode. “I’ll call you again soon, okay? I love you, Ross. Take care of yourself. Please eat something green, or something that didn’t come out of a box or a can.”

“Love you too,” Ross said, looking at the fast-food wrappers and the big glass of milk in front of him with a guilty squirm.

And then Holly was gone, and the commotion too, and Ross descended into silence once again. He collapsed onto the couch like a marionette with its strings cut.

He opened his laptop, intending to check his emails and, on a whim, looked at Mary’s Instagram instead. 

They were following each other - though Ross couldn’t remember ever interacting with her online before. The newest upload was from just four hours ago. She was standing on a bridge, wearing a pretty green dress and a big smile, her arm around the waist of a broad-shouldered, deep-chested guy with dark hair, a baseball cap, sunglasses, and very white, perfect teeth. He had a stupid barbed wire tattoo around his bicep - real original, Ross thought snidely - and his beard was patchy. 

Ross flicked quickly through her other uploads. There were no pictures of herself with Barry. How could she not want to show off Barry? If Ross was dating Barry, he would - fuck, he’d be so goddamn proud of it. He’d have a million pictures of the two of them, and he’d be grinning like an idiot in every single one of them. Barry wasn’t the kind of guy to just sleep around. He was way more mature than that. He was loyal and loving, and he would do anything for his partner, and he was funny and he was a good listener, and even if he wasn’t hot as fuck he’d still be one hell of a catch for anyone.

Ross looked at the picture again. The strange guy’s lips looked big and slimy. Ross couldn’t imagine someone wanting to kiss a guy who had lips that looked like two flatworms fucking.

Barry’s lips, on the other hand -

Ross pinched his own thigh very hard until he erased that thought from his head entirely, shucked off his clothes, and went to bed early.

He woke up at two in the morning with a stubborn boner and a flushed face, the memory of his dream still fresh in his mind. 

Ross reached down to grasp himself, writhing in his sweaty sheets, his mouth open and wet and panting as he imagined Barry’s hands gripping his hips, holding him down, his mouth wrapped around Ross’s cock and his beard scratching deliciously against his sensitive skin. Barry on top of him, grinding their hips together. Barry taking Ross’s legs and lifting them up onto his shoulders, leaning forward to let Ross feel the teasing brush of his hard cock just behind his balls, nudging insistently at his hole as he looked questioningly into Ross’s eyes, waiting for Ross to give his consent - and _oh_ , of course he would say yes, he would want so bad - and then Barry would be pushing inside, thick and hot, stretching him and taking him, _fucking_ him and loving it - telling Ross that he looked so good, felt so tight…

After he came all over his own hand, Ross went to the bathroom to clean up and grabbed a glass of milk to settle his nervous stomach. His legs felt all loose and shaky and his mouth was dry, and he felt a deep-seated satisfaction despite the blooming shame.

He hadn’t let himself fantasize about Barry for years. It was a slippery slope; if he did it once, then it would happen again, and again, until he was fingering himself in the shower every day, gasping Barry’s name, his mouth hanging open as he painted the tiled wall with his come and nearly choking on all the water he accidentally swallowed. And then, inevitably, came the hurt; the knowledge that Barry would never, could never, love him back. 

That hadn’t happened for a long time. Ross hadn’t let it happen. He had tried so hard to get over his dumb useless crush. Until today, he thought he had succeeded.

But it had never gone away, despite what Ross tried to tell himself. 

And he probably still didn’t have a chance in hell, but -

_Barry likes guys. Barry is single. Barry likes guys and he’s single…_

But really, nothing had changed. Why should it make a difference? Was Ross arrogant enough to think that because Barry - according to a secondhand source - liked men, that he would immediately like Ross? That was an assumption that Ross thoroughly despised. He’d heard it so often - homophobic douche bags freaking out at the thought of a Gay Man in their locker room, because _naturally_ he’d be ogling them, as if being anything but straight meant you’d just fuck anything - and he knew it wasn’t at all true.

Was he so much of an asshole that he assumed there was a chance Barry would just magically get over Mary and jump for Ross? Was that why he was rediscovering his long-buried feelings? God, he was stupid. He should feel grateful to have Barry in his life at all. Ross’s life was incredibly, inexplicably blessed - and it felt sort of shameful that he couldn’t just be content with it.

Ross crawled into his big lonely bed and smushed himself face-first into his pillow as if trying to smother his own treacherous mind.

**

Barry didn’t come to work for three days, and everybody was very discreet in not saying anything about it. 

Ross ached to see him. All break-ups were awful, although Ross had been with Holly for so long that he’d forgotten how it felt; but Barry was different. Barry was friendly to almost everybody but he did not give his heart away easily, and when he did he committed his whole sweet caring self to that person. Ross knew Barry’s heart would be broken. 

And all the while, Mary was smiling and duck-facing all over Sacramento with some other asshole.

Ross had always drowned his misgivings about Mary by reminding himself that Barry wasn’t a total idiot - surely there was something magical about her that Ross just didn’t see. But now he thought that Barry had made a grave mistake in judgment. It would take a special brand of stupid to just up and walk away from a man like Barry to be with the guy with the tacky tattoo and the horrible attempt at a hipster beard. 

In the long run, Ross agreed with Arin - Barry would be better off without her. He could do better, that much was obvious. If she was really biphobic as Arin had claimed, then good fucking riddance. Ross certainly wouldn’t miss her.

But that didn’t change the fact that Barry would he hurting.

When Barry did come back on Thursday, Ross was so used to the sight of him sitting quietly at his desk - headphones and gunnar glasses on, his short dark hair curling softly at the nape of his neck over his dull brown sweater and those stupid acid-wash jeans that Ross loved for their absurdity - that he almost walked right by without saying anything at all. Then he stopped, whirled around, and bounded forward, waving a hand in front of Barry’s face to get his attention.

 _He probably doesn’t want anyone making a big deal over him,_ he scolded himself. Barry didn’t like missing work and probably wanted to be left alone to catch up. But it was too late now. Ross was always bad at remembering to think before he acted.

Barry took off his headphones and turned around, his eyebrows slightly raised in an expression of mild surprise. He even smiled - a sort of shaky smile, to be sure, but at least he was feeling okay enough to try.

“Hey Ross,” he said, just like nothing was wrong. “What’s up?”

Ross wasn’t sure how to broach the subject of Mary’s departure, but of course Barry knew that he knew - or at least he was prepared for Ross to ask him why he’d missed work. He decided to go with something safe. “I missed you,” he said truthfully. “A lot.”

“You saw me less than a week ago,” Barry pointed out, but Ross thought he looked pleased. 

Ross shrugged and gave Barry a round-eyed look. “Yeah, but I’ve been lonely. Holly’s gone, and it really sucks to go home to an empty house. You know?”

Barry winced. 

_Oh, you fucking idiot._ Ross’s stomach lurched. 

Before he could blurt an apology, Barry forced a smile again and said, his voice a little rough, “Yeah. I uh, I think I know the feeling. It does suck, huh?”

Ross suddenly felt very small. His mouth opened and nothing came out. It wasn’t often that he was speechless, but - well, there he was. “I’m sorry,” he managed.

Barry gave a dry chuckle. “It’s okay, Ross. It really is. I can talk about it. I know Arin told you what happened.”

“Oh,” Ross said, stupidly. “Uh, yeah. He did tell me. Not like, the details, but - you know, the gist of it.” God, this was part of why he’d worked so hard to stop loving Barry so fucking much - he was back to barely being able to speak a coherent sentence around him. 

“Yeah, well. I guess there’s not many details to share.” Barry threw his glasses onto the desk and ran a palm over his face roughly. “It…it wasn’t entirely unexpected. I knew we weren’t going to last much longer. I just…I never thought she’d just up and leave like that. She’s not exactly impulsive, either, so she must have known what she was going to do for a while.”

“How come it wasn’t unexpected?” Ross had to ask.

Barry rubbed his mouth again. “Things haven’t been good for a while. We’d been fighting a lot.”

“Oh?” _Brilliant, Ross. You’re helping so much._

“Everything just kept escalating.” Barry’s fingers drummed a beat on his thigh. “She was angry. She…she knew that there was someone else.”

Ross’s mouth actually dropped open. Barry was the last person on the planet that would ever be unfaithful to somebody. “Did you…”

“I didn’t cheat,” Barry quickly assured him, reading the look in Ross’s eyes. “I never would. It was just - a crush. No big deal. And it wasn’t like I was looking at other people after I got serious with her. It’s - it was someone I knew before I knew her. They don’t even know, and nothing will ever come of it. Mary knew that, but it still bothered her.”

Ross did not fail to notice the ambiguous pronoun. Was it insensitive to ask who it was that caught Barry’s eye? And what would be the point, anyway? “Why are you so sure nothing will come of it?” he asked instead. 

“Oh, they’re not - they’re in a relationship already.” Barry waved a hand and Ross recognized the dismissive gesture. Barry did not want to be grilled on the subject.

“Oh,” Ross said again, because it seemed like such a safe thing to say. “So why was Mary so mad about it? If she knew the whole time, why did she leave so suddenly?”

“She recently gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t take it seriously. When she’s angry, she says all kinds of - wait. Wait, no, I won’t run her down like that. There was fault on both sides. There always is. Basically, she didn’t want me to hang out with this person anymore, or talk to them at all unless I had to. She went through my phone and deleted some pictures I had, just group pictures… and there were some threats uttered. At the end of it I just looked her in the eyes and said I wouldn’t even consider losing a friend just because she was paranoid. I figured she’d cool off and be ready to talk sensibly when I got home. And instead…” Barry sighed heavily.

The gears in Ross’s head were turning rapidly. Someone Barry talked to often, and hung out with, who wasn’t single…somebody he met before Mary… _who_? It didn’t really narrow anything down. Well, except that it wasn’t Dan, which - well, that _had_ occurred to him in the thirty seconds since Barry had made his confession; Dan was certainly sort of pretty in an angular way and he did spend a lot of time with Barry. A lot of people liked Danny. Could it be _Arin_? Ross frowned. That was - that was an option. And Barry liked Arin enough to trust him enough with the information he had held back from Ross…maybe that was _why_ Barry had told him. 

But Arin’s marriage did not necessarily rule him out; it was known around their close-knit group that Arin and Suzy, while loyal to each other, did not subscribe to archaic beliefs about firm monogamy. It was possible, though, that Barry had only been giving Ross an excuse to avoid having to go into further detail.

_But what does it matter?_

Ross firmly stuffed his stupid speculations to the back of his head. Barry had dozens of friends. It could be any of them. Ross couldn’t do a damn thing about it. Besides, he knew that Arin’s eye was somewhere else. “I would do the same thing if I were you,” Ross said, which was a boring and generic thing to say, but sounded reassuring. “That seems so petty and - and manipulative. If she felt she had to control who you talk to, and went through your phone like that, then she obviously didn’t trust you at all. Which is bullshit. And sort of abusive, actually.”

“You’re right,” Barry said, and then he laughed - a laugh that didn’t sound anything like him at all. “Fuck, of course you’re right. Arin said the same thing.” 

“Arin’s here already?” Ross hadn’t seen his car outside.

“He came over on Tuesday,” Barry revealed. “He brought me sushi and we just chilled out together on the porch. It was…it was nice that he thought of me. Everyone is being so supportive.”

“I would have visited you too,” Ross immediately blurted. “I thought you’d need your space. Otherwise I would have…”

“I appreciate that too,” Barry assured him. 

But the ship had sailed. Ross drooped, feeling like a failure of a friend. His mood was made worse by the low burn in the pit of his stomach - a pain that Ross refused to acknowledge as jealousy. Barry, his eyes growing soft, stood up from his desk chair and put a hand on Ross’s shoulder.

“I mean it,” he said. “I really didn’t want company. Arin only stayed for an hour. He needed to know how much time I’d need off.”

Ross nodded, his doubts assuaged. That did make sense. Arin was their boss, after all. This was his Internet empire, his life’s work. And Barry was indispensable. 

“Now stop pouting before your face freezes that way.” Barry patted his shoulder.

Ross instinctively stuck out his bottom lip and made his eyes go big and round. Barry laughed, heartily this time, and suddenly hugged Ross tightly.

Oh, heaven.

Ross closed his eyes and put his arms around Barry’s shoulders. Barry’s were wrapped around Ross’s middle. Ross ended up with his face in Barry’s neck, right where his bare skin met the collar of his shirt, and his senses whirled madly as he caught the scent of Irish Spring soap and something that reminded Ross of the way the world smelled at dawn. He couldn’t help but push his nose right up against Barry’s skin. Barry’s shoulders felt so strong and his grip was tender. Ross tried to quash the thrill that tingled through him to no avail. 

“Thanks for listening, Ross,” Barry murmured. “And for being here for me. I don’t know what I‘d do without you guys.”

The thrill intensified to a familiar tingling, heavy sensation in his groin when Barry’s palms began to gently knead his lower back. Barry knew how to give a good massage. He’d proven it a number of times, and in doing so unknowingly tested Ross’s skills of self-restraint. And now, Ross’s T-shirt was riding up, and Barry was inadvertently touching Ross’s bare skin, and - _oh_. That felt too good. Ross’s heart quickened and Barry squeezed him tighter. He could feel Barry’s warm breath on his ear and it was making the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

It was making something else stand up, too.

Ross felt colour in his cheeks. Jesus, he had a fucking half-chub from trying to give his best friend a supportive hug in his time of need. He gave Barry’s back an awkward pat and tried to subtly arch his groin away from Barry before Barry felt anything; unfortunately, this had the effect of leaning right into Barry’s magical hands. A moan started to rise in his throat and Ross caught it and violently held his breath to choke it back.

Ross had to break the hug before he did or said something stupid. He stepped away and quickly looked down to make sure nothing was visible. He breathed a sigh of relief to see that it wasn’t.

Barry sat down quickly after the hug was over, his eyes smiling at Ross. “Thanks,” he said again, quietly. “I needed that.”

Ross made himself shrug like it was no big deal. “Anytime, man.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” Barry smiled, a little distantly. The smile in his eyes dimmed. He looked as though a cloud had passed over his face.

With a sinking feeling, Ross wondered if Barry had noticed something amiss. Did Barry realize what he’d done to him - how strongly and passionately and pervertedly Ross had reacted to what was meant to be a nice hug between friends? And maybe it was weird to accidentally nuzzle your best friend’s neck. 

But probably he was over thinking things. Barry was upset, and rightly so. If he wasn’t his usual placid, happy self, there was a damn good reason for it. 

“Do you want me to come over after work?” Ross offered suddenly. “Order pizza, watch some movies…” 

Barry shook his head slowly. “Maybe some other time? I still need some time to just…process everything, okay?” 

“Okay,” Ross answered easily. That was fair. His cock was already calming down, thank god. He was really too old to be getting that excited so easily. And he probably shouldn’t be popping boners when his friend needed his love and sympathy. He’d have to have a stern talk with his dick. After he rubbed one out, of course. “Take all the time you need. And then we’ll go out for sushi or something when you’re feeling better.”

Barry nodded. “We sure will. But I’m gonna get back to work for now.” He yawned and scratched his beard. “I’ve got a lot to catch up on.”

“Oh,” Ross said. “Yeah, of course. Me too, actually.”

He scuttled into his own office before he could start over-analyzing the tone of Barry’s voice and the faint crease that had appeared on his forehead after they had hugged. Ross was at work. There were things to do. Besides Gameoverse, there were episodes to record. With everyone taking vacations soon, they’d have to start recording in five hour sessions instead of two or three so they had a nice little backlog of episodes to use. There were two rather popular YouTubers coming on as guests to return the favour of having Dan and Arin on their show twice; Ross had been tasked with several of the finer details, including choosing a game for them, and he hadn’t even thought about it yet. He had three - no, four meetings this week alone. He should focus on his job and just be happy that Barry seemed to be on the road to acceptance of what had happened. 

But what he knew he _should_ do was very different than what he _did_ do. Ross spent forty-five minutes looking at how to make sushi from scratch, gave up on _that_ , and then spent another half-hour trying to find best the best sushi place within driving distance that he knew Barry hadn’t been to yet. Then, with a start, he remembered that he had a lot of shit to do and it was already getting close to fucking noon. He could smell Dan’s Thai food wafting in from the door. Ross’s stomach rumbled. Now he had to break for lunch, and he had accomplished nothing. He’d be staying late again, no doubt. Somehow he would have to cram ten hours of animating into the rest of the day.

 _Maybe Barry will be here late, too,_ a little hopeful voice in the back of his head suggested. _You know him - he’ll hate being a few days behind. You can go talk to him again, see if he needs another hug…_

Ross squashed that voice and held his chin up defiantly, as if daring it to speak again. 

God, he really had to get a grip on himself.

**

In the days that followed, everything appeared to return to normal. Barry was a little more quiet than usual, but he worked diligently and constantly without complaint. He didn’t smile a lot, but he didn’t sulk, either - a feat to be admired, Ross thought, seeing as Mary talked freely enough on her Instagram and Twitter and constantly uploaded pictures of herself and Assface as if deliberately trying to hurt Barry’s feelings. Ross wondered if Barry was the type to stalk an ex’s social media accounts. Somehow, he didn’t think so. Barry was so far above that sort of thing himself. 

Ross, however, was not. He felt more than a little stupid, but he consoled himself with the knowledge that he at least didn’t stoop so low as to leave Mary a scathing comment, or send her some nasty texts. The temptation was, admittedly, always there. His hatred of her grew every time he noticed the dark circles beneath Barry’s eyes or the tension in his shoulders as he hunched over his desk. Barry put on his game face every day but Ross could see beneath the brave front. Despite all she’d done to him, he still missed her. 

“What a bitch,” he said out loud as he read the caption on a photo of Mary and Assface on a canoe. The caption implied, not-so-subtly, that Barry never took her anywhere fun.

But being mad at Mary didn’t solve anything, nor did it help Barry. 

Ross came to realize that he hadn’t been talking to Barry as much as he usually did. That wasn’t entirely his fault - Barry wasn’t talking to anyone much. But Ross felt guilty nonetheless. If Barry needed a friend, Ross had to be there for him. It was his duty as a friend to not let his stupid feelings come between them. He was being selfish, plain and simple.

“Let‘s go out and get something to eat,” Ross told Barry one day, as Barry came back from the bathroom to find Ross sitting at his desk. 

Barry glanced at his unfinished work on the screen. Then he looked at Ross’s hopeful face. Whatever he saw there made his mouth twitch as if he wanted to smile but had forgotten how. “I guess I am kind of hungry,” he said, slowly. “Where do you want to go?”

Ross had not planned that far ahead. He hadn’t been sure Barry would accept. “Um.” 

“Well, what are you in the mood for?”

 _Spending time alone with you so I can hear you laugh again._ “What are _you_ in the mood for?” he countered, like an idiot.

That finally brought out Barry’s smile. “Do you just want to go to McDonalds?”

“Maybe you should eat something healthier.” Ross thought that Barry looked a little too thin and too pale. 

“I had a good breakfast. Don’t you worry about me. I know you’d rather do McDonalds.”

Ross opened his mouth to reply, to argue, to tell Barry that they could go somewhere that _he_ wanted for once, when Arin barged in unannounced yet again.

“Who’s going to McDonalds?” 

“We are,” Barry said unnecessarily. “Do you want to come?”

“We should put a fucking bell on you,” muttered Ross.

Arin didn’t seem to hear. “Fuck yeah I do,” he said, rubbing his stomach. “It’s my cheat day. I’m gonna eat a Big Mac and some fuckin’ McNuggets.”

Ross was put out, though he tried not to show it. After all, he was trying to be a good friend. “The more the merrier,” he said with such fake sincerity that he was sure Barry and Arin would notice that he was being a big selfish dick. 

“I’m gonna go ask Dan if he wants anything, and then I’ll drive you guys, if you want.”

“Oh, sure. Thanks, Arin,” Barry replied warmly. 

Ross’s eye twitched. “Yeah, thanks.”

Barry called shotgun and Ross ended up sitting by himself in the backseat of Arin’s car, listening to Arin and Barry talk animatedly about some show that he’d never seen and trying not to sulk. This wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he invited Barry out to lunch.

He wondered why he felt like this when he was supposed to be proving to himself that he wasn’t selfish. If he truly cared about Barry, he would be _happy_ to see Arin make him laugh. And yet there he was, his disappointment written plainly across his expressive face. As they waited for their orders, Barry touched Ross’s arm and asked quietly, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ross said absently, watching a fat fly buzz happily around the floor beneath the soda machine. He blinked and forced himself to make eye contact. “Just hungry, that’s all. I didn’t eat anything yet today.”

“That’s not good, Ross. I hope you’re taking care of yourself while Holly’s gone.”

“Of course I am,” Ross lied. He looked at Barry’s pale face and wanted to say something like, _You too_ , but wasn’t sure if Barry would appreciate being reminded that Holly would come home soon. Mary would not. Ross settled instead for brushing up close beside Barry, a friendly little jostle. Barry nudged him back, which gave Ross the confidence to ask in a rush: “Are you still down for a movie soon?”

Barry laughed. “Sure,” he said. “I’d love to. I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distant lately.” _Not your fault._ “I know I should be making time for my friends.” _You’ve had other things on your mind._ “Maybe we can hang out tomorrow?”

“Yeah? Just me and you?”

“You and I,” Barry corrected, teasingly.

“Like the Celine Dion song?” 

“I thought it was Lady Gaga.”

“Hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure there are a lot of songs called You and I.” Ross was terrible at keeping a straight face, but he gave it a mighty effort. “I mean, there’s also John Legend. Stevie Wonder. Santana…”

“And yet your mind went to Celine Dion first.”

“And yours went to Lady Gaga.”

“What’s wrong with Lady Gaga? She’s a legitimately talented singer, I’ll have you know.”

“Okay, but so is Celine Dion.”

“Jesus Christ, they called your order like four times.” Arin came up out of nowhere and smacked Ross with his brown paper bag of food. “Take your McFlurry, my hand is freezing. Lucky one of us was paying attention.”

“Well, I prefer You and Me,” Barry continued, totally ignoring Arin and smiling at Ross instead. “The one by Lighthouse.”

“Lifehouse,” Ross corrected as he took an enormous bite of his McFlurry with his weird hollow spoon.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Arin demanded as they made their way to one of the tables in the far corner. 

“The band Lifehouse,” Barry answered glibly. “I like them.”

“Me too,” Ross said loyally. 

Arin snorted and unwrapped his burger. “Who the fuck listens to Lifehouse?”

“A lot of people,” Ross offered. “They released an album last year.” 

“Two years ago,” Barry corrected.

Arin rolled his eyes dramatically. “Literally no one cares.” 

Ross ignored Arin, too. “Three seconds ago you didn’t even know the name of the band. Now you’re an expert?”

“I did know,” Barry said, sipping his Coke. “I just forgot.”

“That’s the same as not knowing.”

“Naw,” Barry watched Ross dip his fries in his McFlurry without any judgment on his face. “I told you, I like them.”

Arin made another noise that sounded sort of like a horse whickering. “Nobody likes fucking Lifehouse, oh, my God.”

But, on the contrary, _Hanging by a Moment_ came on in the car on the drive back and Arin sang along lustily.

Ross got into the spirit halfway through, but when he started to sing, Barry - who had climbed in the back seat with Ross this time - groaned and put a hand over his mouth.

Ross nearly came in his fucking pants but managed to cling to dignity and hold back the moan that rose in his throat.

Arin cackled, and Barry looked at Ross with a sparkling look of mischief in his eyes. Ross stared back, maybe a bit too hard - but, _fuck_ , this intimate contact was like someone touching a live wire to the base of his spine. Barry looked absolutely gorgeous when something amused him - his cheeks faintly appled, his eyebrows raised, his eyes crinkled at the corners.

When Barry took his hand away, Ross made a big show of gasping for air before insisting, “Why can’t I sing?”

Barry and Arin exchanged a look in the mirror.

“No reason,” Barry said, polite as ever. Ross leaned his head over to rest on Barry’s shoulder, hiding his smile behind a sulky mask. Barry reached up and pet his hair and Ross closed his eyes like a happy cat. Barry’s fingers even started to scratch his scalp gently.

“Does that feel good?” he murmured, and Ross made a little noise of assent.

Now Ross was grateful that Arin had come with them after all. Everything about this moment was making Ross feel light-headed and impulsive. Barry’s touch was magic, electric. Ross wanted to push into the touch, feel those fingers grab and tug his hair. He wanted to slide his hand up Barry’s jaw and pull his face in close enough to kiss. 

But he could be content with this - this comfortable, friendly intimacy. Ross had to be content with it. It would be all that he’d ever get.

A pleasant breeze was rolling in from the open window and Ross’s hair tickled his face. He could hear the soothing rush of traffic behind the beat of the radio. And Barry was still humming along to Lifehouse like the total dork he was though the radio was already playing something else entirely. 

Ross couldn’t help himself. He sat up straight so he could see Barry’s face.

Barry was looking at him, too, his eyes almost silver in the glare of the sun. His expression was soft and warm. The light picked up warm copper tones in his hair and beard. Ross’s heart gave a funny little jump.

“Hey, space cadet,” Barry teased when Ross couldn’t find any words. “What’s on your mind?”

Ross blinked to clear the fog growing thick around his head and offered an apologetic smile. “I zoned out,” he said, truthfully. “I think I ate a little too much.”

“You finished a whole McFlurry in about three minutes flat,” Barry agreed. “It was pretty impressive.”

“It’s not hard when you have no gag reflex,” Ross explained absently, as he usually did when someone questioned his ability to shovel food down his throat like a machine.

“Nasty fuckin’ things,” Arin opined from the front seat. He had a box of McNuggets in the empty passenger seat and a pineapple smoothie in the cupholder for Dan. 

“You’ve put way grosser things in your mouth,” Ross protested, and while it wasn’t _that_ funny it still made Barry laugh. Ross glanced at him and saw that his colour was high. Good, maybe that meant he was feeling better.

Ross grinned at him as he felt his stomach fill with butterflies.

He couldn’t wait for tomorrow to come.

**

The next day, Ross woke bright and early and got ready for the day in a buzz of excitement. All he could think about was the fact that he was going to get Barry all to himself for at least a couple of hours. And he had all day to figure out how to get through the evening without making a total ass of himself. He sat at his computer and attempted to get some animating done, but in his mind he was rehearsing safe topics of conversation and sternly reminding himself to be sensitive about Barry’s situation. 

Barry was wearing a tank top at work that day. That shouldn’t have been so surprising. It was a hundred and ten degrees with the humidex and even Southern Californians were feeling the heat. Arin was wearing a pink top with very small cheeky shorts. Dan’s knee-holes were even bigger than usual, maybe for air flow. Matt and Ryan’s office smelled like armpits. But Ross didn’t notice any of that. Not when Barry was sitting there with his soft yet firm shoulders on display, sweating lightly despite the AC and the rotating fan. 

Occasionally, as the fan turned toward him, Barry would lift his chin and turn his face into the breeze, looking blissed out. When Ross was lucky enough to witness this, he was so dazed that he walked face-first into Arin.

“Jesus, you fucking spaz.” Arin grabbed him by the shoulders and held him at arms’ length like he was a toddler who’d gotten into something sticky. “Why can’t you walk in a straight line?”

“Watch where you’re going,” Ross countered, squirming out of Arin’s grasp and darting to the side when Arin made another grab for him. “Fuck, no, your hands are sweaty, get off me.”

Arin tried again, half-heartedly, rumbling laughter. “You’re working too hard,” he scolded. “You’ve been looking like a zombie all day.”

“I’d eat your brains, if you had any.” Ross ducked and bolted, and on the way by he gave Arin’s left pec a squeeze for good measure. 

Arin’s laughter drowned out the sound of Barry’s phone ringing, and in the ensuing escape, Ross did not see Barry stand up abruptly and rush from his desk.

Ross was feeling giddy and worked up, as if he was going on a date instead of just watching a movie with his best friend. He put on a fresh coat of deodorant at lunchtime, smoothed his hair with his fingertips and wondered if he should pop the tiny pimple on his chin.

Ross poked his head out of his office around four o’clock, intending to ask Barry about what movie he had in mind, only to find Barry’s desk chair empty. Assuming he was in the bathroom, Ross sat down and waited. To pass the time he began to spin around in the chair, using his socked feet to kick off on the desk to keep his momentum going.

Five minutes later, Brian walked by and said, “What the hell are you doing, Ross?”

“Waiting for Barry.” Ross stuck out his feet and collided with Brian’s legs, which halted his movement.

“Barry went home ten minutes ago,” Brian said. He was wearing a pair of dad jorts, and Ross would have made fun of him if his heart hadn’t sunk to the bottom of his stomach.

“What?”

“Sometimes he does stop working for the day,” Brian said dryly. “I know it’s hard to believe.”

Ross bit his lower lip. “But…we were supposed to hang out after work.”

Brian shrugged. “Maybe he forgot.”

Ross sucked the inside of his cheek into his mouth. Barry wasn’t the type to just forget plans he‘d made twenty-four hours ago. “Maybe.”

“He has a lot on his mind, Ross,” Brian reminded him, as if Ross needed to be reminded. Ross was Barry’s best friend; he didn’t need fucking Brian reminding him about what Barry was going through.

“I know,” Ross forced himself to shrug, too. He stood up. “I’ll text him or something, we’ll just hang out another day.”

He retreated to his office before Brian - perceptive, nosy Brian - could see that his casual attitude was a big fat phony front. Ross felt like fucking garbage, and it was _dumb_ , because his life didn’t and shouldn’t revolve around Barry. It was fucking weird to feel like he was going to cry just because Barry forgot about him. And yet Ross was getting choked up anyway.

Ross let himself shed a few frustrated tears and then collected himself with a vengeance. He’d be damned if he was going to let this ruin his day.

Ross wondered what he should do. He still didn’t feel in the mood to work. Going home sounded boring and lonely. Ross paced around, pondering, until he remembered that he was in a building with thousands of video games.

“Dan!” Ross burst into the kitchen area. “I’m gonna kick your ass in Mario Kart 8, are you ready?”

Dan had just taken a huge bite of ramen. He chewed for a very long time, staring at Ross, who thought uncharitably that Dan looked a lot like a cow chewing cud. He swallowed and said, “What?”

“Mario Kart,” Ross repeated.

“Why?”

“Are you busy?”

“I’m eating,” Dan waved his bowl. 

“I’m bored,” Ross explained.

Dan frowned. “This conversation feels like it should have been the other way around, you know?”

“That doesn’t make sense.” Ross leaned on the counter, taking up all of Dan’s space. “If you had just _listened_ to me in the first place…”

“Mario Kart,” Dan nodded. He continued to eat in tiny, dainty bites. “I heard. But why?”

“Why not? It’ll be fun.”

“You’re done work for the day?”

 _No._ “Why, are you my boss?” 

Dan shrugged one shoulder and ate more ramen. Ross watched him for a while, tapping his foot and squeaking his shoes across the floor before admitting to himself that he was probably being a bit of a dick.

“I like hanging out with you,” Ross said, suddenly and sweetly. “And I’m just a bit lonely since Holly’s gone, and all.”

That made Dan soften like a pat of butter on toast. “Aw, Ross. Of course I’ll hang out with you.”

“Because you really want to, or because you feel sorry for me?”

“Because I really want to. I don’t remember the last time I played a game just for fun,” he added thoughtfully. “Barry and I used to play a lot when we lived together, of course.”

“Really,” Ross pushed himself up off the counter, marched to the fridge, and took out the jar of Nutella. To avoid further conversation about Barry, he shoved a heaping spoonful straight into his mouth.

Dan watched him with his eyes squinted slightly in disapproval. “Don’t double-dip,” he protested feebly, and then - “Oh no, Ross, why?”

Forty-five minutes into the game, Dan took a bathroom break, and Ross sent a text to Barry. 

_Didn’t feel like hanging out tonight?_ That wasn’t too clingy or accusatory, right?

Twenty minutes later, Barry texted back:

_Sorry man. I completely forgot. Something came up._

Ross waited, but no other message came through as a follow-up. No explanation, no apology, no request to reschedule. It wasn’t that Ross was arrogant enough to demand those things. It was just extraordinarily out of character for Barry not to offer them. Ross wrote and deleted several long-winded answers before finally sending a simple, _Sure._

And then, after finally losing a game to Dan, he added, _I’m just chilling with Dan right now anyway._

Barry’s reply, two hours later when Ross was already home, was just as simple. _Cool._

Ross’s finger hovered over the call button for a full two minutes as his emotions battled within him. He wanted to know if Barry was okay. He wanted to know if Barry was mad at him. He just wanted to hear Barry’s voice before he went to sleep, because even though it had only been one day since they’d gone to lunch together, he missed his best friend.

Slowly, he set the phone down. 

He would just have to trust that Barry had a good reason for ditching him, and that he’d explain everything on his own time.

**

That night, Ross stretched out in his bed, a towel under his butt and a bottle of lube on the nightstand. With one hand, he stroked his cock slowly, the lube making the languid slide of his hand that much easier. His other hand was reaching further down, a slick finger probing at his ass, cautious because it had been a while since he’d done this and he knew from experience that he was tight as hell.

Ross imagined fingers pushing through his hair as Barry’s had done in the ride home from lunch. _Does that feel good?_ Barry asked, in that same deep and gentle voice, only in Ross’s fantasy he was saying it as his thick fingers caressed his balls and slipped down lower to spread lube over his hole.

Ross imitated the action on himself and sucked in a breath as he pushed his middle finger inside himself up to the first knuckle. 

“Aahh,” he groaned as his muscles stretched to accommodate the intrusion. He’d done this enough to help the adjusting process along by bearing down and breathing deeply to keep his body relaxed. Ross’s inner walls felt so tight and so hot around his finger. He tried to isolate the feeling, trying to feel what it would be like for someone else to do this to him. 

Maybe Barry would be impressed at how snug Ross was; maybe his eyes would lose that serene, caring expression and he’d start to finger Ross faster, harder, eager to get inside him. Ross whimpered out loud. 

It was awkward from this angle - lying sideways on the bed, legs up and feet planted on the wall, pillows stacked under his head and shoulders to prop him up for the view, and his hand reaching between his thighs - but he could still fit most of his finger in. Ross rocked his hips and wriggled his finger, pat-patting around to find his prostate.

The blast of sensation when he found it left him breathless. Ross had almost forgotten how good this was, how _sensitive_ the little nub was - ten times as sensitive as his dick. So sensitive, Ross couldn’t handle it being nailed dead-on. He had found _that_ out some years ago when he tried a wishbone-shaped prostate massager. But he _did_ like when he could angle a toy to slide up alongside it, and he liked the feeling of being filled even without prostate stimulation. 

Ross gently stroked his fingertip over the gland again and shivered delightedly. His toes were curling and his legs were losing purchase on the wall. He left his finger there, just resting inside himself, and focused on using his other hand to fist his cock. 

It wasn’t enough. Ross repositioned himself. The pillows under his upper back were shoved lower down, elevating his butt. He put one leg on the wall but bent the other toward his chest. Now he was able to push inside up to the second knuckle. A sharp arousal sparked and caught flame somewhere deep in his groin, and Ross quickly pulled his finger out and went back in with two.

Two was a good stretch. Ross moaned again, sweet and sharp. When he closed his eyes, Barry was there, holding Ross’s leg in the air as he watched Ross’s face with awe. _Am I hurting you?_ he’d ask, concerned, and Ross would shake his head desperately and say, _No, no, it feels so good, give it to me._

A bead of sweat rolled down his face as Ross thrust his fingers in and out. “Fuck,” he whispered as he realized how bad he wanted more, wanted something thicker and longer than his fingers, something more warm and _living_ than a toy, something he could clench himself around to make Barry lose control and fuck him harder, fuck him until the headboard was banging off the wall and it was all Ross could do to hold on for dear life and _take_ it. 

Ross ground his ass down against his hand, fucking himself as deep as he could, all thoughts of going slow gone. His head fell back and his cock dripped all over his belly until he grabbed it again and began to jack himself off hard and fast, all desperation and no technique. He didn’t even think about adding his ring finger, but suddenly it was there, opening him up so wide, so perfect. The pain was brief and sweet and the pleasure rolled right over it and swept it up into the cresting wave of his climax.

Ross keened and squeezed his eyes shut as he spilled sticky and warm over his fingers and across his taut stomach. “Barry,” he gasped as he twisted his fingers inside himself one last time. “Oh, fuck, Barry.” _I love you. I love you so much._

He couldn’t even say those words out loud to himself in private. 

Ross withdrew his fingers and waited for his breath to come back. He could feel his hole clenching around nothing, achingly empty. It was still not enough. He needed more. And he would never get it - not from Barry, at least.

It was close to midnight, but Ross sent a text from the warmth of his bed after he got cleaned up.

 _Oh, hey, so I’m free all weekend. It’s gonna be hot. You could come over and have a swim if you want._

Barry didn’t answer. He was probably asleep.

But when Ross got to work in the morning, there was still no reply, and Barry didn’t say a thing beyond ‘Good morning’ when Ross walked by. It felt like a slap to the face.

Ross got the message Barry was trying to send to him without being an asshole by saying it outright. It was, _Leave me alone_. 

“He still looks so sad,” Dan whispered to Ross in the afternoon as Barry went out to get lunch with his head bowed and his earphones in. 

Ross’s stomach squirmed with guilt. “Yeah,” he said back. _And I need to give him some space and stop being so clingy._ Probably Barry had only agreed to hang out because Ross wouldn’t stop asking. And later, he changed his mind.

Ross resolved not to let this break his stupid delicate heart, but it _did_ hurt. Hopefully, in time, this hopeless infatuation would fade into the back of his mind again so his friendship with Barry to go back to normal.

**

The next week brought no relief.

On Monday morning, he woke up late and burned his tongue on a hot tea. Then, as he got out of the shower, he tripped over Orph and went stumbling headfirst into the counter. He saved his face at the last second by thrusting out an arm but whacked his other hand painfully, and he caught the fucking doorknob with his neck. The pain of it had him rolling on the ground for a good minute. When he was able to get up, he poured a bowl of cereal, and then realized he was out of milk. And then, to top it all off, he was halfway to work when his car began exhibiting alarming symptoms. Ross pulled over and lifted the hood as if he knew what the fuck he was doing. Which he didn’t. He sighed, called the tow truck, and waited in the blistering sun, stewing over how much work he had let pile up, until it showed up. 

Then he called Dan for a ride, since he’d have to come this way anyway.

Dan showed up promptly with a cheery, “Good morning!” and Ross collapsed into the passenger seat and answered grumpily, “Speak for yourself.”

“What crawled up your ass and died?” Dan tapped the lid of a Dunkin Donuts cup resting in the cupholder between their seats. “I got you a coffee, and there‘s doughnuts if you want one.”

And, well, that was honestly kind of sweet, so Ross deflated. “Thanks,” he said, subdued. “I’m fine, really. Just a fucking awful morning. And I’ve had a hard time getting work done lately, and I’m really backed up on, like, everything.”

“I know the feeling,” Dan said, and he actually _did_ , because despite his outward silliness, Dan was just as hard of a worker as any of them, and his life was just as hectic. “I have so much laundry piled up that I can’t close my closet door anymore.”

Ross looked out the window and pressed his forehead to the glass. “I wish Holly would come home.”

Dan patted his arm and made the proper sympathetic sounds, but Ross, who felt like he was covering up how much of a shitty person he was by blaming his problems on missing his wife when they were mostly all because he couldn’t stop perving on his best friend, was mostly quiet for the rest of the ride.

When they got to work, it seemed like everyone was having a party in the main space. The casual atmosphere did nothing to ease Ross’s frantic anxiety over his workload. 

Barry was deep in conversation with Ryan, and Arin and Brian were sprawled out on the beanbag chairs, each holding an erasable marker, and a whiteboard on the floor between them. Ross couldn’t see Matt, but he was likely at his desk.

“Hi,” Ross said to the room in general as Dan went to perch like a cat on the edge of Arin’s beanbag. “If anyone needs me, I’m going to be in my office for the next twenty-four hours. Please ignore any sobbing you might hear. It’s just me, dying slowly.”

Brian turned the whiteboard around for Dan to see and looked at Ross. “It’s a recording day today.”

“I know. I can spare two hours.”

“Except half of us are taking vacations next month, and we’re supposed to do a bunch of extras.”

“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck me.” Ross winced. “Fuck, yeah, we are, aren’t we? Oh, God, I‘m going to die.”

“Mondays, huh?” Dan piped up, completely irrelevantly. Ross’s mouth twitched, but then he remembered that Dan had doughnuts and so he said nothing. He would need the sugar if he was going to get through this day.

Brian fixed him with a scrutinizing stare. “Wild night, Ross?”

“I used to do that to myself with a vacuum cleaner,” Ryan confessed, and Arin brayed laughter and said, “What else did you do to yourself with that vacuum cleaner?” which made Matt cackle.

Ross was honestly confused until his neck gave a throb and he remembered what he’d done. “Oh,” he said. “It’s a bruise. I fell into a door.”

“You fell into a door?” 

“I was getting out of the shower,” Ross explained, “and then my fucking cat walked right in front of my foot. I could have died. It hurt so bad, I was flopping around on the floor for like twenty minutes.” 

“Is your cat okay?” Brian asked, deadpan. 

“Oh, fuck you.” Ross rubbed his mouth and managed a little grin. “I gotta start animating. Let me know when you’re ready to record.”

It occurred to him, as he made his way to his own office, that Barry hadn’t said a word to him the whole time. 

But on the heels of that thought came the determined conclusion that he was _not_ going to start this stupid shit again. 

He sat down hard in his chair, cracked his knuckles, and settled in for the long haul, shoving every thought of Barry to the back of his mind.


	2. Two

Recording went from boring, to awkward, to absolute fucking hell.

After Dan and Arin did a few rounds of some weird obscure SNES side-scroller, it was Ross and Barry’s turn to do a new racing game. Brian came too, for a Grumpcade combo that the fans usually liked. Ross felt a surge of gratitude. At least Brian would cut the tension.

Barry sat down on the couch first, immediately scooting all the way over to the far left. Brian didn’t seem to notice. He sat on the right side. That left Ross to sit in the middle. Brian was sitting quite normally and his thigh was almost touching Ross’s leg, but there was more than a foot between Ross and Barry. It was not normal. Whenever Ross and Barry would record together, they’d both be in the middle, close enough that their arms touched and sometimes their elbows would knock together.

_He doesn’t even want to touch me. He knows. He fucking knows…_

Ross was horribly stiff and awkward, tripping over his own tongue, talking too fast and nervously laughing like a fucking idiot every time Barry opened his mouth, which was almost never. Brian was forced to keep up the conversation mostly on his own. Between trying to be funny and tell stories about his daughter and trying to play the game, it took Brian a while to be able to fix Ross with a stern, meaningful stare that clearly meant _What is wrong with you?_

 _It’s not me,_ Ross tried to say back with a tiny shrug. Barry’s silence was smothering. They managed to make it through twelve minutes, when they decided to call it and start a new round. Ross chugged half a Pepsi to wet his dry mouth and picked up the controller again with clammy hands.

“Welcome back to another episode of, ‘Why isn’t Dan playing this game too?’” Brian declared, unpausing the game. A beat of silence followed his words. Neither Ross nor Barry had anything to say.

 _Get your shit together, loser._ Ross groped for words but just opened his mouth and cackled like an idiot instead. Barry didn’t even crack a smile.

“Hey, Ross, maybe if Dan was here, you’d be able to finish in something other than last place,” Brian quipped, lobbing the conversation directly to Ross so he couldn’t help but respond.

“Ouch,” Ross said. He cleared his throat. “Double-burn. I’m gonna tell Dan you said that.”

“I tell Danny that he sucks at games all the time,” Brian deadpanned. 

“He’s actually not bad at Mario Kart. I don’t know if it’s luck or what, but we were actually playing the new one the other day - not for Grumpcade or anything, like just for fun - and he didn’t do too bad.” Ross thought his tone was a little flat, but at least he was trying. 

“I didn’t know you did anything here besides hole up in your office and work for twelve hours a day.”

“Sometimes I do fun things,” Ross protested. “I had plans to go out, but - ” Oh, fuck, why did he say that? Ross chanced a glance over at Barry and saw his face freeze, his lips a thin line. Ross choked and managed to say feebly, “We had a good time. I love Mario Kart. Holly loves it, too. She’s horrible at it, but she loves it.” 

“Another exciting life story from Ross O’Donovan,” Brian sighed. “Wait, shit, how am I already in second-last?” 

Barry spoke in a voice that was rough around the edges. “I just lapped you, man, how do you not know you’re losing almost as hard?” His words felt strangely abrasive. The chill coming from him practically permeated the air. 

Ross felt short of breath. He opened his mouth and just started to babble and didn’t stop until they all collectively agreed to take a coffee break.

Ross staggered to the fridge and gulped some milk straight from the carton. His hands were shaking so hard that he accidentally sloshed some on his shirt. “Fuck,” he muttered to himself.

“Ross,” Brian said quietly, coming up behind him. Ross turned quickly. Barry was nowhere to be found - he was probably in the bathroom. “If you don’t want to record right now, just say so. We could do something with Arin or Dan.”

“I’m fine,” Ross said, a little sharply. “I’m just…” But he didn’t know how to finish.

“Did you and Barry have a fight?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?” Brian was genuinely curious.

“He’s just…” Ross chewed on his words for a while. “He’s being a little weird around me. But it’s not his fault? I’m being weird, too.”

“Remember - ”

“I know, I know. Mary dumped him, I know.” Ross passed a hand over his face roughly. “I’m trying, Brian. I’m having a fucking rough week without my wife.”

“I get that,” Brian said with feeling. “I don’t know what I would do without Rachel.” He regarded Ross thoughtfully. “I have an idea. Why don’t we ask one of the others if they’re free? Someone who’s going to talk a lot? Barry’s kind of quiet, and you’re in a funk. That footage we got kind of sucks. We can start over. ”

“Sure,” Ross leapt at the idea. “Who were you thinking? Arin, yeah?”

Ten minutes later, Dan appeared in the doorway. “Hi,” he sang like a dork as he plunked his tiny butt down in the ample space between Ross and Barry. “We can use the ‘there’s four of us here today’ intro!”

“No, we can’t.” Brian’s eyebrows rose. “This is Grumpcade, Dan. Not Steam Rolled.”

“Oh! I have no idea what we’re playing! I just showed up!”

Dan, at least, was full of energy.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Ross said with feeling.

“Aw, Ross!” Dan smiled at him, touched. “Thanks man! I’m glad you’re here too. Or I’m glad I’m here. You know, I’m glad we’re all here. Together. Did we start the episode? Yeah, let’s start it right there!”

“The coffee was really strong this morning,” Brian said into the mic. He was smiling. “Welcome to Grumpcade!”

“Hi!” Dan called again. “Yeah, welcome, it’s all four of us today! Everyone but the man himself, Arin Hanson!”

Barry said nothing. Ross caught his eye, and - was that anger he saw there? Or sadness?

Dan, oblivious, picked up his controller. “So how do I play this?”

“Probably badly,” said Brian. “But I’m sure you’ll do your best.”

Ross, feeling the way Barry was now carefully not looking away from the screen, turned his attention to Dan and said hurriedly, “Here, I’ll show you the controls.”

“Wow,” Dan said as they all selected players and chose a track. “It’s so colourful and pretty. I like it.”

“You ready to lose?”

“I’m ready to kick your ass, Ross!”

Barry won the first race, and the second. He did not boast. He barely laughed. Fortunately, Dan and Brian bantered back and forth easily, helped along by Ross’s occasional babbles, and Barry’s stony silence slipped into the background. 

Soon, even Dan began looking quizzically at Barry. Barry answered his direct questions with cool courtesy until Dan stopped asking him anything. Somehow, even with four people on the couch, Barry had managed to leave room between his body and Dan’s. 

_Does he think I was talking behind his back to Dan?_ Ross wondered. It was pretty hard to be angry at Dan for any reason. It had to be Ross’s fault by proxy.

Ross just couldn’t think of anything to say. Why was Barry mad at him? He certainly seemed mad. As soon as the four episodes wrapped, Barry got up and left, murmuring a vague goodbye at everyone in general. Ross opened his mouth to say something dumb like _Don’t go_ \- but why? Barry had work to do. And Ross was too hurt to have anything useful to say anyway.

“Thanks for coming, Danny,” Ross said again, feeling a lump in his throat as he gazed at Barry’s abandoned seat on the couch. 

“I’m gonna pass out for an hour,” Dan said cheerfully. “Then I’m gonna wake up and do three more hours of recording with Arin. And then I might have time to eat something. Maybe.”

Ross envied Dan’s sunny enthusiasm. “Have fun with that,” he said. “I’m gonna go brainstorm with Arin about that commercial.”

“I’m coming too.” Brian stood up and stretched.

 _And thank god for that, because I’m going to be about as useful as a waterproof towel._

Barry was nowhere to be found when they all gathered in the main space. Ross noticed him quietly slip into his chair about twenty minutes later and immediately put on giant noise-cancelling headphones.

Ross tried his best not to take it personally.

He failed.

**

Ross got home around five-thirty, which was early for him. Feeling frustrated and worked up, decided that he needed to blow off some goddamn steam. He hunted around upstairs for the small toy that he sometimes liked to use in the bedroom. It was pink and cute, with a little flared handle and bumps along the shaft for added texture. It wasn’t even that much bigger than two fingers, but it had a vibrating head, and Ross liked the way it felt inside him. He hadn’t used it in ages. 

Ross stripped naked in the comfort and privacy of his own living room. Then he curled up with the bottle of lube and the toy sitting on his coffee table, and clicked around on some of his favourite porn sites to find something likely to watch while he played with himself. He found a good thumbnail and hovered his mouse over it as he lightly palmed his hardening cock. 

The title of the porno was one of the stupidest things Ross had ever seen. _Country Boys Gone Wild!_ , it was called, and Ross felt embarrassed just reading it. But the bottom was slim with light brown hair, and the top was a nicely soft but trim bearded brunet with in a plaid flannel shirt, and that tickled Ross’s fancy just fine.

 _Premium users only,_ the caption warned.

Well then. Ross studied the thumbnails, his eyes widening slightly as he saw the brunet’s nicely fuzzy body and amazing ass, and immediately bought the full video.

“Fuck,” he breathed out loud as the scene began. He skipped the intro - the lighter-haired bottom ‘meeting’ the brunet outside a barn by a wooden fence, wearing little cutoff shorts and a too-small flannel shirt unbuttoned halfway - and stopped it when he saw the clothes come off. Ross wasn’t in the mood to fuck around with boring dialogue.

The brunet was caressing the twink’s round cheeks, squeezing and manipulating the flesh and spreading him open, and Ross’s body buzzed warmly with the thrill of it. They had taken refuge in a very obviously fake barn. The floor was too clean, and somebody had conspicuously propped a couple hay bales and garden tools around the set.

Ross stroked his cock nice and slow as he waited for some action. There was some kissing, which didn’t do much for him, and some more fondling. It didn’t take long for the light-haired twink to be on his knees, opening wide for the top’s big dick. 

Ross took his hand off his cock and sucked two fingers into his mouth, closing his eyes for a moment to imagine the taste and texture of a real dick in his mouth. He’d always wanted to try it. A real cock would be hot and heavy, pressing down on his tongue, nudging further inside insistently. It would be overwhelming, and it would taste so good. Ross would bob his head up and down, showing off his lack of a gag reflex. Barry would be moaning, maybe rocking his hips, fucking Ross’s mouth. Ross would look up at Barry’s face and wait for instructions, for reassurance, wanting to know what felt best. It would be so fucking hot to be told what to do. To learn how to suck his cock just right.

Barry would put a hand in his hair, guiding his face further down, and Ross would mouth at Barry’s balls obediently. The best he could do to imitate the action was to wetly rub his mouth over the fleshy part of his hand beneath his thumb.

Ross opened his eyes again. Between his legs, his neglected cock throbbed, and Ross used his left hand to stroke it lightly as his right hand reached for the lube. He watched the brunet bend the other man over one of the hay bales and spread his cheeks open nicely. The camera zoomed in as he took one finger, then two. It seemed to be easy for him. He looked over his shoulder to let the camera see his face, but Ross wasn’t interested. The top was in the frame, his ass on display too as he knelt over the other guy. Ross stared shamelessly. He liked how furry the top’s legs were, how the denser hair on his thighs fanned up over his round ass, so soft and inviting. 

Ross’s lubed index finger dipped into his own hole, his breath speeding up. Sweat beaded at his temples and he could feel himself clenching around the small intrusion.

Three fingers, then four, and the bottom was whimpering and writhing prettily as the top made masculine grunts of approval. Ross writhed, too, opening his fingers inside himself to feel the stretch. 

“Holy shit,” he gasped as he watched the widest part of the guy’s hand slide in. The bottom wailed, his hard cock leaking freely. The top rubbed his back tenderly. Ross’s knuckles brushed against his prostate and his body surged up off the couch with the force of the current that shot through him.

Ross wondered if he could ever do that, if his body could take it. He imagined Barry bending him over the couch, working his big hand inside Ross’s hole, rubbing his lower back as he murmured words of comfort. Ross shifted position and wriggled another finger into his snug entrance. 

“Mmm, fuck, that’s good,” he spoke out loud in a ragged whisper. How wide would he have to open up to take a real cock? How much would it hurt? Ross had always heard that it hurt a lot, but when he was worked up like this, the feeling of himself stretching was pleasurable and not painful.

Ross looked at the little dildo speculatively. It wasn’t anywhere close to the size of an average dick, but his active imagination could help him out. 

The scene changed. Ross watched in fascination as the brunet reclined, half-sitting and half-lying down. The other man climbed into his lap and sank down on his big hard dick, his mouth open in ecstasy. Ross jerked himself faster, adding a little twist at the end, just the way he liked it. That looked like it felt so fucking good. All the while, his fingers continued to scissor and thrust. 

“Fuck, yeah,” he whispered. “Fuck, fill me up, fuck me so good.”

Clumsily, Ross fumbled for the lube and squirted it liberally over the toy until it was dripping. It was way more than he needed - he already felt wet and slippery and so fucking ready - but he wanted to make sure this would work. He slowed down his strokes and reached for the toy, his entire body buzzing with anticipation and desire.

Then the doorbell rang. 

Ross froze. Dimly, he remembered that he was waiting on an Amazon delivery. It was a day early - or was it? Ross couldn’t tell. His brain was all sludgy and he couldn’t think straight.

“Shit,” he breathed. He bounced up off the couch. The lube-slick dildo was carefully placed on a fresh paper towel laid on the clean coffee table. Ross washed his slippery hands quickly and threw a bathrobe over his nakedness, holding it in such a way that hid the bulge of his erection. 

He would just stick his head out the door and sign for the package - there was no need to clean up. He didn’t care if he looked stupid or if the delivery person knew he’d just been jerking it. After shitting his pants in public, Ross didn’t have much in the way of shame anymore.

Ross hobbled to the door, his hardness throbbing between his legs.

He cracked it open and stuck his face out.

And time stopped.

Barry Kramer was standing on his doorstep.

He was wearing a soft green jacket and his hands were stuffed in its pockets. He was looking at Ross with a serious expression, his eyebrows knitted together. 

Ross gaped. His mouth opened and nothing came out. 

“Hi,” Barry said, taking in Ross’s flushed, dishevelled appearance. His eyes widened. “Um - I was just out doing some errands and I thought of you, and, um. Thought we needed to talk? Is this - a bad time? Can I come in?”

Ross’s lips trembled. He wanted to cry. He wanted this so bad. He wanted to invite Barry in and make him coffee and talk to him about everything and nothing at once. They could smooth out all the awkwardness between them and have a good time like the best friends they were supposed to be. And here Ross was, naked and hard and covered with lube. There was a goddamn dildo on his coffee table. He was watching a fucking guy get fisted in a video called Country Boys Gone Wild on his laptop. And _now_ Barry wanted to talk to him?

“I, uh. I was just.” Ross fumbled for words, trying to speak loudly to cover up the voice. Luckily the talking stopped, but Ross didn’t think about what noises might come out of the speakers next. “I’m sort of - busy right now - I didn’t expect - ”

“You, uh….you have company?” Barry looked over his shoulder, and Ross quickly stepped out and shut the door behind him. 

“Yes!” Ross blurted. “I can - just give me a second and I can come out and talk for a bit if you want - ”

“It’s okay, dude, it’s fine, no worries.” Barry looked embarrassed. It was at that moment that Ross became acutely aware that his not-so-subtle stance was not, as he’d hoped, hiding the erection that tented his thin bathrobe.. His cheeks felt hot enough to fry a fucking egg. 

“Just give me ten minutes,” he pleaded. “Ten minutes, Barry, I’ll get dressed. You’re right, we should talk. I want to talk.”

Barry shook his head and walked backward down the steps. “No, no, it’s not - I should have called ahead, I - I’ll just - ”

“Barry - ” Ross cut in desperately, but Barry was having none of it.

“I’ll just go. I’ll see you at work, okay?”

Barry turned and darted back into his car. He did not look back as he pulled away.

“Fuck!” Ross slammed the door so hard his whole house rattled. 

Gritting his teeth, he hobbled back inside and threw his bathrobe savagely onto the floor. Then Ross slammed his laptop shut with such force that he was vaguely surprised he didn’t break the damn thing. The lonely little dildo sat on the coffee table, dripping lube. In a fit of anger, Ross chucked it in the garbage can and wished he could do the same to himself and all his stupid fucking feelings.

The universe was playing a sick joke on Ross, that was for sure.

Maybe he deserved it. This was his punishment for being an insatiable slut who couldn’t just be happy with a beautiful wife and a funny, talented, and sweet best friend. This was his punishment for wasting time he could be spending working on Gameoverse, his life’s big goal, on sticking fingers up his ass while thinking about sucking cock and getting fucking fisted. Had he no self-control?

Ross showered, ate a meagre dinner of boxed mac and cheese, and - after a stern talk with himself - bought a new bedroom toy on Amazon to replace the one he’d thrown out. 

Maybe later when he got a grip on himself he could use it responsibly, like at night instead of in the middle of the day when normal people were doing normal person things.

Desperate for company, he sent a few texts to Holly. He knew it was ass o’clock in Scotland, and she wouldn’t reply, but he needed to hear her sweet voice and craved her reeassurance. He wouldn’t burden her with all the details just yet - she had her hands full and her mind elsewhere - but a phone call from her would be just the thing to lift his broken spirits.

That done, there was nothing else Ross could do except go to bed early and try to forget today ever happened.

Orph jumped into bed with him and Ross, grateful for the company, hugged the fuzzy little body to his chest and cried until Orph squirmed and fled, looking back over his shoulder in disgust.

Ross was left to hug Holly’s empty pillow instead. 

**

Barry was avoiding him. 

It wasn’t his imagination. It wasn’t paranoia. And it wasn’t Barry just being heartbroken over Mary, because Barry had no problem talking to Arin or Brian. Ross had heard them chatting and joking around more than once when he left his office door ajar. 

But somehow, whenever Ross made up an excuse to walk by and chat, Barry had his own excuse at the ready. He had to go to the bathroom. He was just about to eat. He had headphones on and he couldn’t hear. When Ross did talk directly to him, Barry’s answers were short, and he didn’t seem able to make eye contact.

It was obvious that he was either extremely uncomfortable around Ross, or downright grossed out by him. Maybe he’d started connecting the pieces of the puzzle and figured out why Ross had been acting so strange.

Ross chewed relentlessly on a ball-point pen as he wrestled with the question of how to crawl out of the hole he’d dug himself into. The obvious solution was to sit down with Barry and just come clean, and let Barry decide how he wanted to proceed. The easier solution would be to wait until Holly came home, and then pour out his heart to her and listen to her advice on the matter. The stupid solution was to lie to Barry and feign confusion over the awkwardness between them until Barry decided he’d been mistaken. Ross was leaning towards the stupid solution, because of course he was.

Several unhappy hours later, Ross decided he needed a good hug. Preferably from Barry, but - well, actually, preferably from somebody who wouldn’t give him an awkward boner. And Barry wouldn’t hug him anyway. Ross pondered over Arin, passed over Brian, and finally decided on Dan.

Dan was asleep in the recording room, alone, his long body curled up on the couch and his notebook clutched loosely in one hand. The pen he must have been holding was on the ground in front of him. Ross knew how tired he was after the hectic tour and he almost felt bad for waking him up. Almost. 

Dan’s eyes cracked open when Ross sat down on the opposite side of the couch as loudly and disruptively as possible. “Oh, goddammit, Ross.”

“What are you doing?” Ross asked brightly.

“Working. Writing lyrics. Or trying to. It’s nice and quiet in here. I guess I fell asleep.” Dan yawned hugely. “Will you wake me up in twenty more minutes?”

“What the hell is wrong with me?” Ross wondered aloud, ignoring him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be genuine yet. Dan was good to talk to, and trustworthy, but Ross decided to play it safe and act like his usual trolly self until he made a decision on just how vulnerable he wanted to be.

“I’ll make you a list,” Dan said vaguely. “After I finish this nap that I obviously need.” He closed his eyes again. Ross tapped him on the nose until Dan opened them again to glare.

“Sometimes,” Ross said plaintively, looking at Dan with big eyes and his mouth pursed into a little moue, “I just feel so _alone_.”

“Sometimes,” Dan echoed, “you eat Taco Bell before you come to work, and your farts stay trapped in the couch all week.”

“I’m being _serious_ , Dan!”

Dan sighed. “Okay, okay. What’s wrong?”

“I can’t talk about it,” Ross said dramatically. 

“Alright,“ Dan said cautiously, sitting up with a wince. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Fix it.”

“How?”

Ross pursed his lips and made a loud smooching noise.

“I’m not kissing you,” Dan said grumpily, but his lips were twitching.

“You’re awful,” Ross told him. “You’re mean and terrible and awful. You’re a bad man.” He didn’t want to kiss Dan, either, but that was besides the point.

“You spilled milk on my desk chair and didn’t tell anybody for three days and now it smells like Satan’s asshole. And you laughed about it.”

“But I was really sorry. On the inside.” Ross twisted himself into a pretzel and looked at Dan upside down with the most pathetic face he could muster. “I love you, Dan,” he said piteously.

Dan sighed again. “Do you need a hug, Ross?”

Ross made his eyes get even bigger. 

Dan opened his arms. “Okay, jeeze, come here.”

Ross didn’t wait to be asked twice. He clambered into Dan’s lap eagerly, poking him with an elbow in the neck and getting a good knee-jab in Dan‘s stomach. Dan grumbled and huffed but allowed the abuse to continue until Ross had found a comfortable way to fit their bodies together. 

He hadn’t thought Dan would be good to cuddle with - he was all bones and angles and his feet were cold but his hands were hot - but once he stopped squirming and settled down, Dan put his long arms around Ross and hugged him so sweetly that, for a blissful few minutes, all of Ross’s troubles were forgotten.

“I just don’t know what to do,” Ross mumbled. A sprig of Dan’s hair caught in his mouth and he spat it out. “I mean, it’s so hard.”

Dan waited for the context, but Ross forgot to give any. “Uh,” he started, his brow furrowing. “I guess you could…maybe get a good night’s sleep and see how you feel in the morning?”

“He’s avoiding me.” Ross couldn’t keep his voice from catching. Yeah, he wanted to spill his guts, that much was clear. Everything he had tried so hard to keep hidden was bubbling up in the back of his throat. Like vomit, except worse and more embarrassing.

Dan was visibly puzzled. His curiosity had been aroused. “Who are you talking about?”

Ross just shoved a cloud of hair aside and buried his face in Dan’s neck with a sad noise.

“Why am I wet?” Dan asked in disgust, even as he stroked the back of Ross’s head comfortingly. “Did you spit in my hair? God, Ross, you smell like - like _kebabs_.”

“I like kebabs,” Ross said. Dan smelled - well, he smelled _nice_ , actually, but not as good as Barry. “And I have a crush, and he’s never gonna like me back, and it hurts. He likes someone else. I mean, I can handle that, you know? I’ve handled it for ages. Except lately, I just can’t. I can’t talk normally around him. I pop a boner when he _looks_ at me. And I think he knows. He knows _something_ is wrong. I’m making him uncomfortable or something. He’s being so cold. And I know I’m being selfish, because I know he needs a friend right now, and I want to be his friend, so I need to learn how to control myself, or like, put my dick to sleep for a week so I stop perving on my friend who needs comfort right now.”

“Oh,” Dan said, somewhat blankly, when Ross paused for breath. “You have…a crush? On - on who? Do I know them?”

“Well, duh,” Ross rolled his eyes, though Dan couldn’t see it. “You _work_ with him.”

“Oh,” Dan said, and then - very cautiously - “Is it Arin?”

 _Oh-ho-ho._ Ross rose to the occasion as he always did. “Would you be jealous?”

“ _Ross!_ ” Dan forced a laugh that was a little too loud. “What the hell does that mean?”

Ross felt a grin stretch his face. “Oh, nothing. It’s none of my business.”

“I wouldn’t be - I don’t have - I’m not - ”

Ross swallowed back the laugh that rose in his throat. Needling Dan was really so much fun. He was feeling better already. “Never mind,” he said gleefully. “It’s not Arin.”

“Oh,” Dan said again, and he couldn’t hide the relief in his voice.

Ross poked at his reaction; he couldn’t help it. It was like picking a scab. He knew he shouldn’t, but it was just too tempting to resist. “He’s all yours,” Ross told him. 

“He’s not - _I’m_ not - I - ” Dan was back to stuttering. His face was turning noticeably pink.

“Sure you’re not,” Ross agreed amiably. Annoying Dan really cheered him up. Ross gave him a messy raspberry on the side of his neck, and Dan squawked and struggled beneath him in protest. 

“You’re gross, get off me.”

“You love it.” Ross licked him, just to be an asshole, but then he laid his head on Dan’s shoulder and hugged him again.

They laid like that for a while until Ross worried that Dan had fallen asleep, but then Dan spoke. “It’s Barry,” he said.

Ross made a sad little noise.

Dan rubbed his back. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“No,” Ross said emphatically. “He just got dumped, okay, now is not the time. And he already told me he likes someone else. I just need to forget about him. Not, forget about him, but you know what I mean.”

Dan looked curious. “He likes someone else?”

“It’s why Mary left him.”

Now Dan looked sad. Sincerely sad. Ross hoped he wouldn’t cry. Dan was a big ball of mushy emotions and Ross didn’t want him getting worked up right now, because Ross could barely handle his _own_ emotions, let alone Dan’s.

“Danny,” Ross pressed. “What do I do? Do you think he knows? Am I being obvious?”

“Oh, Ross,” Dan sighed. “I don’t think you‘re being obvious. I mean, I never knew you liked him like that.”

Ross didn’t want to hurt Dan’s feelings by explaining how Dan didn’t notice anything unless it was smacking him right in the face - which was probably the same advice he’d offer with a wink and a grin if Arin ever asked him for advice on his big gay crush on Dan, come to think of it - but decided not to. “Maybe,” he said vaguely. “But why is he avoiding me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe you’re over thinking things. Barry loves you, dude. He talks about you all the time. I think you should tell him, if you think it’s preventing you from behaving normally around him.”

“But what if he’s freaked out? What if it ruins our friendship forever?”

A frown creased Dan’s forehead. “I can’t see that happening. I always thought maybe - well…” He trailed off. “He really said he likes someone else? He said that to you?”

“Yes,” Ross said emphatically. “I _told_ you. And I think he likes a guy.”

“Huh,” Dan looked thoughtful. 

“Has he ever told you anything?” Ross said hopefully. “Like, he’s liked this person for a long time.”

Dan hesitated. “No,” he said eventually, “but maybe that’s just because he didn’t tell me that he was into guys for a long time. He didn’t tell me until after I moved out.”

Ross bit the inside of his cheek. So Barry had come out to everyone, it seemed. Everyone except Ross. Barry had deliberately avoided confiding in Ross. Dan didn’t even seem to think it was a secret - and he sounded like he’d known for a long time. Ross couldn’t hide how much that hurt. He stuck his face in Dan’s neck again so Dan wouldn’t see how his face twisted.

_He doesn’t even trust me._

Suddenly Ross felt tired. Exhausted, even. “I wanna go home,” he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Go,” Dan told him, petting his hair. “It’s fine. I’ll tell the guys that you got a headache or something if they ask.”

“I’ll call an Uber,” Ross agreed resignedly.

“Ah, shit. I forgot about your car. I can drive you home,” Dan offered, because that was the kind of nice guy Dan was.

“Are you sure? You’re tired…”

“I’m pretty much awake for good now, thanks to you.” Dan punched Ross lightly in the arm, but his eyes were soft. “I’m actually kind of hungry. I can get some food on the way.”

Ross managed to smile. “Let me go tell the others.”

He didn’t really have to. He could just text them later, or they could text him if they needed anything. His job was fairly relaxed - it wasn’t like he punched a time card. But for some reason, he felt compelled to talk to Barry. He had never felt this cloud of awkwardness in the Grump space before and it made him uneasy. He had to try and fix this - whatever it was.

Ross’s heart gave a little double-thump when he saw Barry sitting at his desk, his headphones on and his hand on his chin, one finger pressed thoughtfully against his lips. He lingered there for a moment, confident that he was in a blind spot and could look without being seen. Barry stretched his arms over his head, groaning as something in his shoulders popped, and Ross stood mesmerized until he realized that his own reflection was visible in Barry’s monitor. His belly swooped low just as Barry said, “Ross?” 

“Hi,” Ross said like an idiot, wondering how long Barry had seen him standing there staring like a creep. “You, uh. You’re still…working on that thing?”

He nearly kicked himself. _Smooth, Ross, real smooth. Why the fuck can’t you say anything intelligent around him?_

“Yeah,” Barry said, somewhat tonelessly. “Still going, I guess.” He did not turn around.

Ross hesitated, and then plowed right in. “Barry, are you…are you upset about something?” _Are you upset with me?_

He heard Barry snort, saw his shoulders stiffen. “No,” he said. “Why would I be upset?”

Ross blinked. “I don’t know.”

“No,” Barry muttered, “you wouldn’t know, would you?”

“Bar,” Ross felt helpless. “What’s going on? What can I do?”

“Nothing,” Barry’s voice was curt. “Don’t worry about me, Ross. I’ll be fine.”

Ross didn’t answer, _couldn’t_ answer. He stood there dumbly, his whole body aching to hug Barry as tightly as he had hugged Dan, until all this tension melted away. Except Ross would probably do something stupid like get another boner or confess his love, and that would be the exact opposite of a solution to this problem.

Barry swivelled in his chair to face Ross, and the expression on his face was unreadable. “What? Did you want something?”

 _Ouch._ Ross physically _felt_ the coldness in Barry’s tone, like opening the freezer door and getting an icy blast in the face. It startled him. When had Barry ever spoken to him like that? “I’m just…” Ross bit the inside of his cheek to forget about the lump forming in his throat. “I’m going home early?”

“Gonna Uber it, huh.” The words were so flat that Ross wasn’t sure if Barry meant it as a question.

“No,” Ross said. “Dan’s gonna drive me.”

“Huh,” Barry said again, suddenly swivelling his chair back to face the computer. “Well, that’s nice of him.”

Ross wanted to scream. What the hell was happening with them? 

“Well,” Ross said awkwardly, “see you tomorrow?”

“Sure. Have fun.”

That was a weird thing to say. Why would going home be fun? Home was boring. Ross was alone with his thoughts. Here, at least, there was always some fun to be had. Usually he could always count on Barry for a laugh.

“I will,” was all Ross could say. 

Dan tromped out of the recording studio, oblivious as always to the tension, singing Journey in a quiet voice and jingling his keys noisily in his hand. He stopped singing when he saw Ross. His eyes flickered to Barry and back to Ross, and for one horrible moment Ross wondered if Dan was trustworthy after all. _Don’t get involved, don’t get involved,_ Ross prayed. 

But all Dan said was, “Ready to go?”

Ross nodded mutely, his eyes on the back of Barry’s head.

“Let me take you out for an early supper, Ross,” Dan continued, a little too earnestly. Ross didn’t like pity, but he appreciated the gesture. 

Ross forced a single word out of his tight throat. “Sure.”

“I’ll be coming back,” Dan said to Barry, leaning into his line of sight until Barry looked over at him. “You gonna be here late?”

“Probably not.”

“See you tomorrow, then.” Dan touched Barry’s stiff shoulder briefly, looking like he wanted to say a lot more. 

Ross took action. “Come on, Dan, I’m hungry.”

And he all but dragged Dan out of the building.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything,” Dan said as they drove. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Ross.”

“Yeah, but you’re about as subtle as a loud fart in a library.”

“You can trust me.” Dan pulled up to Ross’s favourite kitschy bakery-and-café where they served the best mac-and-cheese truffles that Ross had ever tasted. 

In spite of everything, Ross was touched. He had raved to Dan about this place sometime last week, just in passing, and Dan had remembered. Dan was the sort of friend that Ross wanted to become for Barry.

Maybe he should take some notes, since he obviously didn’t have a fucking clue how to do it on his own.

**

Ross didn’t often drink by himself, but as soon as he got home, the emptiness and silence closed in on him oppressively. 

He headed straight to the fridge and groped around to see if there were any leftover beers or coolers from the last time they had company over. To his satisfaction, he found a case of beer, a hard lemonade, and a bottle of some pre-mixed mojito that was rather sweet, but very strong. 

Ross wandered around like a lost puppy as he drank his first beer, trying to find something to fill the time. The chores were done, the animals were clean and fed and happy. The idea of sitting still for two hours to watch a movie was boring. He sat in the backyard for about three minutes before the sun began to bake his pasty skin. Finally, he just flopped belly-down on the couch and opened his laptop. On a whim, he opened Reddit - and promptly decided to post an AMA that would keep him busy for a few hours. 

Ross did like interacting with fans, and he liked to make people laugh, and the alcohol was loosening up his shoulders and soothing his frazzled brain - so why not kill some time and get some social interaction right from the comfort of his own couch?

It was a slow start. The first few questions popped up, all of them generic queries that Ross had answered before, but no matter. He allowed them a couple sentences each and moved on. There were questions about Gameoverse, about advice on Australian tourism, questions about illustration and animation, and of course lots of questions about which games he would play next and with whom.

An hour in, Ross was feeling pretty toasted and having a decent time. At least the boredom was gone. He clicked on, _I think I saw you and Holly at the Pride march, but I didn’t know if it was okay to just come up and ask for a picture. How do you feel about fans approaching you for pics or autographs?_ Chewing on a fingernail, Ross typed one-handed, _That was probably us! I don’t mind at all. If I’m in a public space at least._

Someone quickly replied to that with a picture Ross didn’t remember - himself and Holly, sandwiched on either side by two grinning girls. The sight of Holly smiling made him smile, too. God, he missed her so much. He missed the way her eyes scrunched up when she laughed, and the feeling of her soft arms around his neck, the way she would roll over in bed, dead asleep, and cling to him like a little junebug. 

Ross swallowed hard and reached for another beer.

 _What does that pin stand for? It’s not a pride rainbow, so what is it?_ someone else commented, and was quickly answered by several other people at once. Apparently inspired by this, Ross found another question - a big block of text that was hard to read now that Ross had a pleasant buzz going. He focused as best as he could, catching enough to know that it was a sweet and heartfelt story about a kid who felt like he didn’t belong at Pride, because he was bi but dating a girl. _My friend said that since I’m in a hetero relationship, I’m now straight, so I shouldn’t go to Pride. Were they right?_

 _That’s bullshit,_ Ross typed without really thinking. _That’s like me saying I’m totally straight just because I’m married to a woman. It doesn’t work like that lmao. Don’t listen to that person. Maybe reconsider having them as a friend. Come out next year and say hi. Holly and I will be there for sure._

Ross scrolled through some other questions, answering a few serious ones (mostly about Steam Train and Grumpcade and why he hadn’t played their favourite game yet) and giving a two- to three-word response on some of the sillier ones (like what kind of cookies he liked best) and drank a considerable amount of the strong mojito. 

Eventually he realized the small explosion he’d created further down the thread. Ross stared for a while at the slew of comments pouring in, confused as all fuck at the earnest support and genuine surprise, until it occurred to him that he had sort of, indirectly, come out to the fans on Reddit.

Well, then. He had meant to do it at some point.

Just to drive it home, and to reassure the small minority who were questioning whether he was joking or not (Ross could be a dick, but he wouldn’t joke about that) he answered, _Pan, I guess,_ when someone asked if he really was bi.

He watched the support and surprise rain down like a storm and couldn’t help but smile. 

**

Ross entered the grump space a little tentatively the next day, but to his relief, nobody seemed to have noticed his little impromptu AMA or the fact that he had broadcasted his sexuality to the public at large. It wasn’t like it was a _secret_ , but Ross didn’t really talk about his preferences even to his friends, and it was rather out of character for him to give away such a deeply personal detail on a medium such as Reddit. That was more of a Holly thing to do. And it didn’t exactly mesh with Ross’s plan to stop being so obvious about his crush on Barry.

By the end of the day, when it still hadn’t been brought up, Ross let himself relax. In the end, he was happy that it was out there, and maybe his answer helped that kid feel better about himself. That was worthwhile. It was flattering to know that there were people out there who looked to him for advice. But still, Ross felt a guilty little squirm in his stomach when he saw people calling him brave and inspiring when he’d been drinking by himself because he was mooning over his friend. There wasn’t anything brave about accidentally outing yourself when you had a few too many.

Barry thawed out and seemed to be acting more normally around Ross. Ross managed to keep his cool and not make an ass out of himself, and even told a few jokes that made Barry smile. It still felt like they were tiptoeing around each other, but Barry was apparently willing to try and fix whatever had gone wrong between them. Neither of them acknowledged that anything was wrong, which was a little frustrating, but Ross wasn’t about to bring it up if Barry didn’t want to talk about it. 

Ross went home for once feeling pretty good, and managed to get seven hours of sleep.

Arin took them to lunch on Wednesday. Took them _forcibly._ Well, not Dan - Dan would trot after Arin from here to Canada - but Ross protested feebly, gesturing at his computer. “I don’t have _time_ , he pleaded, and Arin said, “This is a _team building_ exercise, Ross, and you are going to turn into fucking Gollum if you stay locked up in here for eighteen fuckin’ hours again.”

The only one who had an out was Brian, who was spending the afternoon with his daughter while Rachel was out teaching an improv class. 

Dan had the roomiest car and so they all piled into his Nissan and drove off. The restaurant they pulled up to was nothing fancy, just a decent sort of hipsterish place that Arin liked for all its paleo options, including a pizza with cauliflower crust.

Barry sat down first and scooted over to leave a spot beside him. Ross debated, and then concluded that it would be best if he sat beside Barry and not across from him. At least he was less likely to get caught staring. The hum of conversation and the friendly atmosphere made for a pleasant break from Ross’s usual hurried meal alone in his office or in his car. He ordered a milkshake when the server greeted them and their drinks all arrived in less than two minutes. 

“A milkshake isn’t a drink, Ross,” Dan said exasperatedly. 

“It _is_ a drink,” Ross insisted. “You drink it. Therefore, it’s a drink.”

“It’s on the dessert menu.” 

“Your face is on the dessert menu.” Ross blew into his straw to make a little rolling bubbly explosion that was safely contained in the domed lid before slurping down almost a quarter of the shake at once. 

“Can you at least drink it like a normal human being?”

Barry inquired politely about the lunch specials while Arin kept watching Dan’s mouth wrap around the thick straw of his bubble tea. Ross grinned to himself. Dan was totally oblivious. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so ridiculous. How did they not see the way they stared at each other longingly? 

As the server walked away, they all bent over their menus. Ross looked up just in time to see Arin yawn and pretend to stretch so that he could spread his legs, pressing his thigh against Dan’s lightly.

“Oh, sorry!” Dan chirped, looking up from his menu. “Do you need more space, Arin? I can move over!”

Ross kicked Dan under the table. Dan smothered a yelp, glared at Ross indignantly and kicked him back. Ross accepted the cue to fight and grabbed Dan’s ankle between his crossed feet. A wrestling match ensued. Dan’s bony elbow jostled Arin’s arm.

“Alright, lovebirds, stop playing footsie over there.” Arin closed his menu and pushed it to the centre of the table. “I’m getting the pizza. I don’t even know why I bothered looking. I always get the pizza.”

Dan was winning, having gotten his leg out of the firm hold. Luckily Ross was wearing flip flops. He used his toes to pinch at Dan’s calf.

“Ow! Jesus Christ, Ross!” But Dan was giggling. The next kick Dan aimed at him with his stupid giant feet in his stupid size twenty sneakers skated off Ross’s leg and hit Barry instead.

“Oops,” Dan said guiltily. “I missed.” 

Ross snorted and turned to Barry, waiting for his dry and witty response.

Barry slammed his menu down on the table hard enough to rattle the condiment tray and the napkin dispenser. “Watch it,” he snapped.

Dan was taken aback. If Ross had gotten snippy with him, he would have had a sarcastic comeback cocked and loaded. But this was _Barry._ “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. 

Barry was having none of it. “Can you maybe start acting your age and figure out what you want to eat so we can go back to work? I told you guys I was busy.” 

Ross felt like shrinking into a very tiny ball. He wasn’t accustomed to hearing that harsh tone from Barry. Dan still looked shell-shocked, too. But Arin - who possessed neither Dan’s sunny, puppyish nature nor Ross’s infatuation with Barry - frowned. His eyes flashed.

“Hey,” Arin said, forcibly mild. “We’re supposed to be having fun. My treat.”

Barry muttered something under his breath and threw his menu on top of Arin’s. Dan met Ross’s eye from across the table and gave him a confused, hurt look that reminded him of Orph and Mojo’s faces when Ross failed to accurately predict which flavour of food they preferred in the morning. Arin was still looking at Barry with a slight frown. Ross felt the tension hanging over their little booth like a thundercloud. He swallowed and looked at his menu.

Suddenly Barry deflated. “I’m sorry,” he said tiredly. “I’m just a little on edge.”

And just like that, Dan was all earnest and smiling again. “Don’t worry, man! It was all my fault.”

“I think Ross had a hand in it, too,” Arin said dryly.

“Hey, I’m not the one who kicked him.”

“You started it,” Dan pointed out.

“We should have dropped the kids off at daycare, Barry,” Arin said, rolling his eyes. But there was a note of good humour in his voice.

“Next time we’ll leave them in the car,” Barry agreed.

“Without the AC. With the windows up.”

When the server came back, Ross realized he hadn’t even read anything on the menu. He quickly ordered a massive burger with extra bacon and a side of fries. His food came first and he nudged his plate over toward Barry - a peace offering. Barry met Ross’s gaze for the first time all day and gave him a smile. Ross felt a pleasant warmth coil in his belly. Maybe Barry didn’t hate him after all.

“You have sauce on your face, Ross,” Barry said, half-exasperated, half-amused. “Come here.” He grabbed his napkin and dabbed at Ross’s chin.

Ross was so flustered that he didn’t retaliate when Dan took some of his fries too, coating them liberally in the honey mustard dip. 

He _did_ notice when Dan finished his mouthful and started to daintily lick his long fingers clean. Arin’s slice of pizza hung suspended halfway to his mouth as he stopped to stare, his eyes glazed. Ross couldn’t help but laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Barry asked, stealing another fry.

“Oh, nothing,” Ross said airily.

“You’ve got that look on your face.”

“What look?”

“That shit-eating grin you do.”

“Your troll face,” Arin said helpfully. “That weird happy look you get from being a goddamn sadist.”

“Maybe I’m just happy,” Ross protested. “Is that a crime?”

“No,” Barry said, raising an eyebrow, “but it makes us all suspicious.”

Dan laughed appreciatively and Ross gave him another pinch under the table. He met Barry’s eyes again and smiled. After a beat, Barry smiled too.

Across the table, Dan and Arin had locked eyes. They held the gaze for a moment before they both looked away and blushed. A flustered Dan elbowed the salt shaker off the table while Arin began to fidget with his napkin.

 _They’re so fucking oblivious,_ Ross thought gleefully.

“Does anybody want my pickle?” Barry asked suddenly, and Ross choked on a mouthful of Dan’s bubble tea. Arin broke into raucous laughter and snorted so loudly that the people at the table closest to them began to stare.

“Oh, my God, I meant - ” Barry motioned at his grilled roasted veggie wrap, which had come with a spear of pickle as some sort of décor. For some reason, that set Dan off too.

“I’ll eat it,” Ross offered.

Barry stabbed it with his fork and lifted it to Ross’s mouth.

Ross accidentally made eye contact with Barry as he opened his lips. Quickly, he snatched it between his teeth and looked away as he chomped. Pickle juice sprayed across the table and landed on Dan’s plate.

“Oh, gross,” Dan complained. “I’m in the fucking splash zone.”

“Do I make you wet, Danny?” Ross batted his eyelashes at the other man.

Arin and Barry laughed, and if Barry’s laugh was a little too tinny, Ross didn’t notice a thing.


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, this got a little long.  
> This will now be a four-chapter fic!  
> Thanks for bearing with me :)

“Why are you in my office?” Ross demanded on Thursday morning when he came in to find Dan poking at the toys on his shelf.

Dan just smiled and hugged him. 

Ross put up with it patiently for about thirty seconds before saying, “Dude, what the hell?”

“You’re really brave,” Dan said earnestly. “I’m really proud of you, Ross.”

“For what?” Ross said blankly.

Ross was surprised that Dan was even here, let alone here at eight o’clock in the morning. He’d been under the impression that Dan was going to be busy all day - it was why he and Arin had stayed up till one in the morning, recording a good backlog of episodes. Well, maybe not the only reason why. Ross could almost see the two of them, creeping closer on the grump couch as they were wont to do, as though the late hour and dim lighting would hide their actions from everybody, even themselves.

“You know,” Dan said, lowering his voice as if they weren‘t crammed into a tiny office together with the door closed. “For coming out.”

“Oh. Oh, you - you heard about that.” 

“I saw your AMA.” 

Ross chewed on his lip. He glanced at his shelf to make sure Dan hadn’t moved anything out of place. “I was already out to most people I know. Just not the fans.”

“I’m still proud of you,” Dan insisted. “It took a lot of courage.”

 _No, it took a lot of alcohol and some ADD,_ Ross thought, unsure as ever if his impulsive nature was a good thing or a bad thing. 

Dan wasn’t finished. His hands were fidgety, his right diving in and out of his pocket, his left reaching up to twirl around the chain of the necklace Suzy had given him. “When I saw it, I thought…I don’t know. I thought maybe you could help me out with something.”

It was way too early to deal with emotional Dan. Ross hoped the man would keep calm. “Uh. Sure, man, what do you need?”

“Somebody to talk to,” Dan said seriously. 

“What, Arin’s busy?”

“It’s _about_ Arin,” Dan clarified.

“Oh,” Ross said, and then, when it clicked, “ _Oh!_ ”

“What?”

“Are you finally ready to accept how much you like him?” Ross was genuinely delighted.

Dan leaned against the wall, his mouth falling open. “How did you know?”

“Uh,” Ross said, fighting the urge to facepalm. “Lucky guess?” A moment of surreality seized him as he wondered if their last conversation in the Grump room - when he’d poked and prodded at Dan’s crush - had even happened. No - of course it did - Dan honestly thought Ross had been joking. His widely-spaced brown eyes were filled with wonder as if Ross was some sort of mind-reading wizard.

“I just…fuck, Ross. I don’t know. I’m so confused. Aren’t I straight?”

Ross took a long, steadying breath. “If you’re so unsure that you have to ask someone else, Dan, I think the answer is no.”

“Am I bi? Am I pan? How do I fucking know? _Why_ don’t I know?”

Jesus, Dan really was having a crisis. Ross felt bad for him. The least he could do, after Dan had made him feel better the other day, was try and help. “Why are you so worried about labels?” he asked. “Would you feel ashamed of saying you’re bi or pan?”

“Well, no, of course not.” Dan looked indignant. “How could you even ask that? I just - you and Holly just know exactly what you are, and you’re so casual about it, and I think I’m too old to still be trying to figure it out. How do you know what you are? How did you figure it out? And _when_?”

“Dan, people are complicated. You can’t always fit everyone into neat little boxes. Plenty of ‘straight’ people become involved with another gender later in life. Sexuality is fluid, not fixed. Sometimes, you just love a person so much that you don’t care what’s in their pants. Sometimes you can love more than one person. And some people aren’t attracted to anybody, and that’s okay too. You don’t have to label yourself, you don’t have to justify your love to anybody, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. Life’s too short not to just follow your heart and go for what makes you happy.”

“That’s beautiful, Ross.” Dan looked genuinely touched. “I really like that.”

“Thanks.” Ross rubbed at his lips, feeling a little embarrassed. Who was he to give advice, anyway? “Holly would be a lot better at this.”

“Maybe. But I’m more comfortable talking to you.”

That did make Ross feel good. He found himself smiling. When Dan hugged him again, Ross hugged back just as hard.

“Ross, do you think…well, do you think I have a chance?” Dan asked quietly when they broke apart. “Any chance in hell?”

Ross laughed. Maybe it was mean, but he couldn’t help it. 

“What?” Dan asked, hurt. “What’s so funny?”

Ross drew in a deep breath. “Dan. Arin is crazy about you. Arin’s wanted you since you joined the Grumps.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “Did he tell you? How do you know?”

Ross wanted to scream. “Dude,” was all he could say. “Dude. Just - just trust me, Dan.” He couldn’t betray Suzy by explaining how she told him that Dan was the entire reason why she had sat down with Arin for a long talk about moving toward an open marriage. That little conversation was completely confidential.

“But he’s married.”

“Dan. You know Holly and I are polyamorous. We’ve talked about that.” The concept had been very confusing to Dan at first, but Holly had explained it well, and Dan had since been as supportive as any friend could be. 

“But that’s you guys. Arin’s the most monogamous dude on the planet.”

“No,” Ross corrected, “he was just lucky enough to have found a soul mate at a young age, and the only other person he’s ever wanted took a little while longer to show up in his life. He‘s loyal. Not necessarily monogamous. They’re not the same thing, you know.”

“But I’m not his type at all,” Dan said, still doubtful. 

“He’s an ass man, and you have no ass,” Ross agreed. “I see the problem.”

Dan didn’t seem to hear Ross’s joking tone. “I’m a lot older than him. I’m not as funny or as smart as he is. I’m not as successful. Some girls think I’m good-looking, but what does a guy look for in another guy? I’m not - polished? I manscape a little but I don’t - ”

“You’re not some pretty little twink? With a bleached and waxed asshole and perfect abs?”

Dan looked down at his feet. “Well, yeah. Do people really bleach their assholes? Like, besides porn stars?”

Ross grabbed him by the shoulder. “Danny,” he said seriously. “First of all, yeah, you’re good-looking. And you fucking know you are, don’t get so far into your head about it. You’re hot, okay? And no more fishing. I’m not gonna say it again. Not all guys go for the typical twink-or-bear thing. Just like straight guys don’t always like the skinny blonde with big boobs and a big butt. Arin doesn’t care what you look like anyway. He’s in love with you. He’ll be in love with you when all your hair turns grey and you start to go bald and you start getting that nasty old man hair sprouting from your ears and nose.”

Dan actually blushed. “Thanks, Ross. You’re a really good friend, do you know that?”

Ross thought briefly about how he had gotten home the day before, after lunch with Arin and Barry, and jerked himself off in the shower thinking about Barry spanking him for his misbehaviour. Barry putting Ross over his knee and punishing him for acting like a brat. He wondered what Dan would think of him if he knew.

But he just patted Dan on the back and said, “So why are you still here? Arin’s out there. Probably waiting for you. Go sit with him. Go flirt.”

Dan laughed, his eyes bright and eager now. Ross thought he looked like a puppy who’d been told he was a good boy. “Don’t be ridiculous. I can’t flirt.”

“You walk around in Spandex, humping the air and singing about boners, while calling yourself Danny Sexbang, but you can’t fucking flirt.”

“I mean I can’t flirt with _Arin._ I’m not ready. I have to think about this.”

“Dan. You’ve been flirting with Arin for years.”

“I have not.” Dan opened the camera on his phone and used it as a mirror, making a vain attempt to smooth down his flyaway hair. Ross, of course, grinned and said, “Let me help” as he locked an arm around Dan’s neck and started to give him a noogie.

“You asshole!” Dan wriggled and fought, but Ross kept his grip. Dan managed to open the door, and they both spilled out into the main space, both giggling like idiots. 

Ross hoped that Dan would be brave enough to go out there and make the first move. God knew Arin never would. Arin was insanely confident about everything except for when it came to dealing with Dan. Ross remembered when they’d met - how flustered and overwhelmed Arin had been - and he found himself smiling. He patted Dan’s curly hair back into place for him and Dan went, “Hmmph,” but allowed it to happen.

“Ross?”

Ross spun around so hard that he overbalanced and nearly took a spill. Dan grabbed his hip to steady him.

“Barry,” Ross said stupidly. “Hi.”

“Am I interrupting anything?” Barry wasn’t looking at Ross; he was looking at Dan. “I thought you weren’t coming in today.” His tone was carefully neutral.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Dan said in a normal voice, because he had the privilege of being able to talk like a human being in Barry’s presence. “I just had to see Ross for a minute.”

“He also has to go talk to Arin.” Ross grinned.

“No, he doesn’t,” Dan turned red. “I mean, no, I don’t.”

This was really kind of cute. “Be confident,” Ross ordered. He shoved his hands through Dan’s hair. “You look sexy with your hair pushed back. Barry, tell Danny that he looks sexy with his hair pushed back.” 

“Ross, I swear to God…” Dan reared back to escape.

Barry’s mouth tightened for an instant. But then it was gone so fast that Ross thought he must have imagined it. “Arin’s right. You two do need a babysitter.”

“Speaking of Arin…” Ross piped up innocently.

“I’m going, I’m going.” Dan looked at Barry. “Have you seen Arin?”

Barry gestured vaguely. “I think he’s with Matt and Ryan in the editing bay.”

“Cool, cool,” Dan answered distractedly. “I’ll go see if I can - uh - I’m going. To see. I mean, to talk to - Arin. Bye!”

Ross smacked Dan’s ass for some added confidence as he fled the scene. Dan yelped and slammed the door behind him with one final, “Goddammit Ross!”

“You’re welcome,” Ross called after him.

Barry lifted an eyebrow.

Ross shook his head. “I did him a favour,” he said by way of explanation. “What’s up, Barry?”

“I thought, maybe…” Barry screwed up his adorable face and scratched the back of his neck, looking sheepish. “I just think…our last Grumpcade didn’t really go over so well…and I meant to talk to you the other day and then, you know…”

Ross’s mood plummeted as he remembered that little scene. “Oh yeah?” he said, as if he wasn’t fully aware that he had acted like a blundering idiot.

“I was going to ask you…maybe we could do a couple Steam Train episodes? Just the two of us?” 

That wasn’t at all what Ross had been expecting. “Sure,” he said quickly before Barry could change his mind. “You really mean it?”

“You’re not busy?”

Ross was, but that didn’t matter. “Not a bit,” he lied promptly. “I’d love to record with you.” He was, after all, feeling pretty good. If Dan didn’t puss out, then there was a good chance that Ross’s silly tipsy confession had done some direct good in the lives of two of his best friends. He’d always hoped Arin and Dan would have the balls to admit they were in love.

Barry gave him a real smile. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

Ross’s heart soared. He was ready _yesterday._ But he played it cool. “Let me grab some milk. I’m thirsty.”

“Alright,” Barry said placidly. “Meet you in the Grump room.”

They played for two and a half hours straight, and it was like the past week hadn’t happened. They were both giddy and played so badly that they put each other into hysterics. Ross thought that Barry was trying a little too hard, but the fact that he was making an effort for Ross was enough in itself.

Finally, Ross made a face and set the controller down on his thighs, shaking his hand with a grimace. “I think we need to take a break,” he said apologetically to Barry. They’d gotten into a good groove, laughing and joking like nothing had happened, and Ross was sorry to break the good run.

“You alright?” Barry looked genuinely concerned.

Ross gave a little shrug. “It’s nothing. This joystick is brutalizing my thumb. My hand is cramping.”

“Give it here.” Barry stretched his legs out in front of him and held out his hand.

 _Danger, danger,_ his brain bleated, but Ross put his left hand into Barry’s palm. “What are you gonna do?”

“Give you a hand massage,” said Barry nonchalantly.

“Oh.” Ross’s mouth went dry as memories came rushing back. They had done this before. It was no big deal. No big deal at all. They’d joked about how suggestive Ross’s groans sounded and Ross had managed to contain himself like a goddamn adult. There was no reason why he couldn’t handle this, too. No reason at all. Barry’s talented hands were both hard at work, rubbing and manipulating the sore spots, and Ross could totally handle this.

Barry squeezed the ball of his palm firmly, and Ross made a choked moan.

“Does this hurt?” Barry squeezed harder, his eyes locked on Ross’s, and Ross’s brain was whirling with all kinds of lovely fantasies that he was trying his best to ignore.

“Ah,” Ross hissed as the pressure increased. “Ahhh - mm, okay, it’s good, it’s really good.” His cheeks were on fire as he added, “You can - go harder…”

Barry ducked his head, his face obscured by shadow as he obligingly massaged Ross harder. Using his index fingers and thumbs, he dug deeply into the fleshy part at the base of Ross’s thumb and rubbed in small circles. Ross exhaled hard at the pain even as he felt his whole body becoming more relaxed at Barry’s ministrations.

“How do you - aaah - how do you know exactly where it hurts without me even telling you?” Ross was proud of that complete sentence.

“I’m just good with my hands, I guess,” Barry shrugged.

 _Fuck._ Ross closed his eyes before they betrayed his arousal. “God, you are,” he said thickly, and missed the way Barry’s Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed hard.

“You’re tense,” Barry said as he kneaded and rubbed. 

“A little bit,” Ross confessed. Barry looked up at him and their eyes locked. In that moment they shared a perfect moment of silent understanding. 

Things were fucked up between them, but they both wanted to heal.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a dick lately,” Barry said, so quietly that Ross almost didn’t hear.

Ross shook his head. “You’re allowed to be upset.”

Barry’s fingers trailed up to massage the tendons in Ross’s forearm. He waited a few beats before speaking again. “Every time she calls me, she has something nasty to say. I can’t handle it anymore.”

“You’re still talking to Mary?” Ross was a little surprised. He thought it had been a clean break.

“Not by choice,” Barry answered dryly. “There were some things we had purchased together that we still have to work out. But I’m at the point where I just want to tell her to take what she wants and leave me alone.”

“What kind of nasty things does she say?”

Barry stopped massaging as his brow furrowed in deep thought. He held Ross’s forearm lightly in one hand while he lightly rubbed his fingers back and forth across the top of Ross’s knuckles absently. “I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about that,” he said finally. “At least, not right now.”

“I understand,” Ross hurried to say. “It’s okay. When you do want to talk, just know that I’m always here for you, okay?”

Barry looked at him. They both moved their hands at the same time to hold each other’s. Ross was so genuinely concerned for the man that he didn’t have time to have any stupid conflicting thoughts over the contact.

“I really appreciate that,” Barry said thickly, casting his eyes downward.

“You deserve someone better,” Ross told him. “You don’t deserve to have this happen to you.”

“It always fucking happens. I should just expect it by now.”

“You’ll find the right person,” Ross promised, his chest aching.

Barry sighed. “I think I’m destined to be single for a good long while. It‘s hard to find someone that wants the same kind of relationship that I want.”

“What do you want?” Ross tried to sound casual.

Barry looked pensive. “I don’t know,” he said finally. “I’m not really after marriage and kids, at least not yet.”

Ross nodded. He understood that well enough. Marriage he might have been ready for, but kids? Maybe in another five, six years…or longer. Or never.

Barry went on. “But, at the same time, I don’t want a fling. I don’t just want to hook up. I don’t really get noticed a lot, and when I do, it’s usually just someone wanting a no-strings-attached deal or someone looking for Mr. Picket Fence and Two-Point-Five Kids.”

“Oh, come on,” protested Ross. “What do you mean, nobody notices you? You could have anybody you wanted.”

“Yeah?” Barry’s eyes stayed down, staring at their joined hands, but his lips curved in a small smile. “Anybody, huh?”

Ross wasn’t sure if Barry believed him. He frowned. “Well, yeah, of course. You’re sweet and handsome and smart, and you have a good job, and you’re fun to talk to. You’re one of the nicest and most genuine people I’ve ever met. You deserve someone who recognizes all that. Someone who treats you right.”

Barry’s hand tightened around Ross’s in silent appreciation.

Ross continued. “Mary took you for granted and seemed to think she was settling - like she thought she was better than you. She was boring, and she didn’t get along with your friends, and she didn’t realize what a good thing she had going for her. She didn’t share any of your interests - she was sort of cold and rude - she never wanted to come out and have fun with the rest of us - fuck, Barry, I hated her so much even _before_ she pulled this shit.”

“A lot of my friends didn’t like her,” Barry admitted quietly. “My family didn’t like her very much, either.”

Ross was on a roll. “You need to find someone who understands you. Someone who gets your humour. Someone who makes you laugh, too. Someone who understands that you can be quiet sometimes, and that it’s not because you’re mad but because you’re just content to focus on your work. Someone who can just hang out and drink some beers and play video games with you and have a good time.”

Barry’s voice grew strangely thick again. “Yeah,” he said, “that sure would be great, wouldn’t it? If - if someone like that came into my life.”

“You’ll find somebody,” Ross promised him. _And I’ll support you, and make an effort to like them, unless they hurt you, in which case I’ll hurt them back._

Barry nodded, took a deep breath, and let go of Ross’s hand. “Thanks,” he said quietly. “How does your hand feel?”

“Really good.” Ross flexed his fingers and grinned. “You’re a man of many talents, Barry Kramer.”

“Wanna do a few more?” Barry nodded at the screen.

Ross was feeling pretty good. “I think so.”

They ended up with at least five or six episodes’ worth of footage - not a lot, but sometimes quality counted for more than quantity. It was _good_ footage, maybe even some of the best they’d ever gotten, and Ross was sure the episodes would be popular. They adjourned to the kitchen after finishing one last round, and Barry made them coffee. 

“Are you going home already?” Ross asked when Barry had finished his mug and reached for his jacket.

“It’s like, six o’clock. Are you staying here? I thought you weren’t busy.”

“I just have a few things to finish up. And I have to talk to Dan,” Ross remembered with a grin. 

“Okay,” Barry said. “Alright, yeah, of course. Well - I had fun today, Ross. Thanks for the laughs.” And without warning, he hugged Ross tight. 

Ross hugged back. It was the perfect hug between friends. Quick and simple, no lingering touches. Just a plain hug. Ross began to believe in himself again. It wasn’t too late to fix things with Barry after all. They were meant to be best friends. The chemistry they had together was something truly special, and Ross cherished all the good times they had together. 

“I had fun too,” he said. “Have a good night, Barry. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I will. You too.”

**

When Ross got home, he immediately opened the small cardboard box that had been delivered to him that morning. He felt so jittery that he almost sliced himself with the box cutter. After such a good day, he felt strange coming back to this - but he had to remember, it didn’t have to be about Barry. Ross could make himself feel good without Barry. It was a perfectly valid thing to buy a dildo if that’s what made him happy and got him off. Ross tore through the packaging until he saw what he had ordered.

It was - it was a bit bigger than he’d expected. 

Ross stared dumbly at the toy for a few moments, it’s slightly curved shape still nestled in the plastic mould it had been packaged in, before he summoned up the courage to wrap his fingers around the shaft and pluck it out.

“This was supposed to be the medium size,” Ross muttered, hefting the fake dick in his hand to feel its weight. He looked at the box again. “Oh my God, it _is_ the medium size. What the fuck does the extra-large look like?” He pointed the dildo accusingly at the order form attached. It bobbed hilariously.

Orph, walking by with his tail in a question mark, gave him a vaguely concerned look.

“What are you looking at?” Ross put the dildo back in the box and carried it up to his bedroom.

Maybe this would help. He had made a good start on repairing things with Barry today, and he had to maintain the progress. Maybe, if Ross actually got a good thorough fucking from something that satisfied his insatiable body once in a while, he could stop being so worked up about Barry all the time. 

All the same, he was anxious. This sure wasn’t anything like his fingers or the tiny toy he had owned before. This would be like getting fucked for real. The thought made his whole body tingle.

Ross padded naked around the upper level of his house, collecting the items he’d need. Lube, obviously. A towel, since he planned on emptying at least half the bottle of lube on that massive thing, and things were gonna get messy. And a condom for the toy to help with clean-up. 

He put all of the items on the nightstand, along with the toy itself - _fuck_ , it was heavy, and he still felt a jolt of fear when he looked at it. But he couldn’t deny that he liked it. A lot. He liked its smooth curve, the colouring (the head was a nice rosy pink, as if flushed with arousal) and the realistic veins. The sight of it alone was enough to get his blood flowing hot. Ross decided to head to the bathroom to take a hot, relaxing shower.

The shower had the desired effect. Ross’s tension melted away as the hot water sluiced down his back. His cock maintained a healthy interest in what was about to happen, and as Ross cleaned himself he occasionally paused to touch himself, but gently. He was so keyed up that he was afraid of just losing control and jerking himself to climax, ruining all his plans.

He towelled off quickly and hurried back to his room, still half-hard, his damp hair plastered to his head. This time the sight of the toy didn’t give him the same fearful reaction; instead, his cock jumped and his heart began to beat double time. Ross plucked it from the box and stroked it as if it were a real cock, letting the head push through the ring of his index finger and thumb a few times before bringing it to his lips to kiss it. He didn’t mean to go any further but his lips parted on their own and suddenly he was sliding the head into his mouth.

The fake cock tasted faintly of that plasticky, medicinal flavour that new silicone always had, and it was cool on his tongue. Ross sucked harder, feeling his cock stiffen between his legs. When he imagined a hand in his hair, pushing his head down eagerly, he let out a choked, muffled moan.

Ross caught a glimpse of himself in the full-length mirror that hung on the closet door and felt a rush of mingled shame and arousal. _Is that really me?_ He looked so fucking desperate, with his cock jutting out straight from his body and his mouth stretched wide around the dildo. 

Ross moved away from the mirror and withdrew the toy reluctantly. He set it down on the nightstand so he could use both hands to rearrange the pillows on his bed. The way he’d been positioned when he’d fingered himself - one under his head, one for under his butt - would be perfect. Then, Ross spread the towel over the butt pillow and reached for the lube. He didn’t have the patience to spend a lot of time on prep, but he slipped one finger into his hole, and then two, scissoring them a few times until he grew accustomed to the penetration. 

It seemed like a lifetime ago that Ross had thought one finger was a lot. Now, two fingers was nothing. His body already demanded more. Once the toy was slicked up and ready, Ross flopped on his back in the middle of the bed and wriggled around for a few minutes to find the perfect position.

When he was comfortable, he spread his legs and reached between them to press the blunt head of the dildo against himself. It felt enormous, and yet, Ross couldn’t wait. His heart drummed loudly in his ears. Ross palmed his sensitive cock lightly, wanting to distract himself from the upcoming stretch. It was gonna hurt a bit no matter how well he prepared himself. 

Ross pushed, and nothing happened. The pressure built and built until he felt the faint edges of pain. He stopped right away, sliding the toy back and forth across his reluctant opening. He tried again, pushing harder, and another flare of pain made him yelp. Tears sprang to his eyes and he blinked them away angrily. He wasn’t very good at being patient and never had been.

_This is supposed to be fun. Don’t get frustrated. Go slow._

Barry’s face swam before him, smiling in that goofy way that always melted his heart. Almost immediately, Ross felt a warm soft feeling spread from his chest to his toes. Barry had such a great smile, such nice teeth, and normally Ross didn’t like beards but Barry’s was definitely the exception. It was just the right thickness, shapely and neat without looking like he was trying too hard, framing his sensitive lips perfectly. It would be prickly on his face and neck when Barry kissed him. 

Ross would love that - he liked his pleasure mixed with a little bit of roughness, like when Holly would let her teeth just graze the underside of his cock to make him shudder. Ross’s skin was sensitive and Barry’s beard would leave red marks that would linger for hours, letting everyone know who he belonged to. 

Ross moaned and stroked his cock languidly. God, he’d love that - being marked up, being _claimed_. Arin would tease him and Brian would probably have some smart-ass thing to say, but Ross would just cackle and walk away smugly. 

Ross imagined Barry naked, his thick cock rising proudly from a thicket of dark curls, reddened and dripping at the tip. Ross’s mouth watered. He’d lick it away, looking up into those beautiful clear blue eyes, wanting only to please. But as much as he wanted it in his mouth, he wanted it in his ass even more. 

Barry would never hurt him. He’d be super caring and attentive in bed. He’d go slow, like how Ross was going slow now. He would never just push in all at once; he’d wait until Ross was ready for more. And before he tried that, he’d spend forever prepping Ross with his fingers - and maybe his tongue. 

“Oh, my God.” Ross wiggled the base of the toy against his rim and thought about Barry pushing him facedown on his bed, spreading his cheeks open and licking his hole without preamble. Holly had done it for him once and he’d liked it a lot. He had squirmed and wriggled so hard that Holly couldn’t hold onto his hips. She had laughed, and he had laughed, but Barry wouldn’t laugh. Barry would hold him in place and lick more firmly, burying his face in Ross’s ass, practically fucking him with his tongue. He would keep going, patient and giving, until Ross was begging for more. 

“Please, please, I need it. I need you.” Ross’s voice was a whisper. The mental image of Barry’s face buried in his ass was making his cock leak all over his hand.

 _He’s getting me ready for his big dick,_ Ross thought with a jolt, and suddenly he was sliding the toy further in with ease. The resistance was gone. Ross’s body accepted the intrusion.

Ross cried out in the silence of the room, his eyes shooting open. Imaginary Barry looked at him with concern and said, _Is it too much? Do you need me to stop?_

“No,” Ross panted out loud, “no, don’t stop, Barry, keep going.” 

It was intense, to say the least. Ross was sweating already and his ass felt stretched to its very limits. But god, it was _good_ , it was exactly what he needed. His brain was growing fuzzy as the thick hard cock slid into him inch by inch. The veined texture could be faintly felt even through the condom, and the toy was warming to his body heat. Ross knew it had to be different with a real dick. It would be even better, especially with a big solidly built body on top of him, or behind him, firm and warm. Hips pressing flush to his ass as he sank in all the way, holding Ross’s hips down as he writhed, whimpering with pleasure. All the while, the toy sank deeper and deeper. 

Ross held on tight to its base, his body trembling as he began to move it in and out. He reached down with his other hand to feel how much was inside him and blanched to realize that it wasn’t even halfway in. Grabbing the bottle of lube, Ross pumped more onto his fingertips and rubbed it all around where his hole was stretched tight around the fake cock. He’d be a mess afterward but he didn’t care. 

It wasn’t until his knuckles brushed against himself that Ross realized he’d managed to take the entire thing.

“Fuck,” he gasped as he clenched tentatively. His head whirled as he realized just how _full_ he was. He could hardly believe it. It was so much, too much, not enough - he didn‘t know but he knew he didn‘t want this feeling to stop. “Barry, oh, jesus…Barry, it feels so good…”

Sweat prickled his armpits and dripped down his forehead as Ross’s body shifted restlessly. He let go of the toy and let his hand wander across his chest, teasing his nipples into hard little nubs. The toy began to slip out, but Ross clenched again to hold it in. Fuck, it was _huge_ , and it felt so good he couldn’t stand it. 

Pushing himself up on his elbows, Ross spread his legs even wider and angled himself so that the toy was braced against the pillow. Then, he rocked his hips forward to take it all in again. 

_That_ was fucking wonderful. Ross’s eyes rolled back in his head. He repeated the motion, thrusting smooth and deep, and his toes curled so hard that his feet both cramped up. Ross barely noticed. Waves of pleasure were washing over him again and again, driving him half out of his mind with the sweet mindless ecstasy. The toy was rubbing faintly against his prostate just the way he liked it on every downstroke and his cock was throbbing and hot, smearing pre-come all over his stomach. It felt that much more real to not have his hands controlling everything.

But as good as it was, he couldn’t get very much leverage like this. Reluctantly, Ross reached down and withdrew the toy - god, there was so _much_ of it, how had he taken that whole length? - and scrambled to his hands and knees. There was a reason he’d chosen this specific toy.

It took some fumbling and figuring, but Ross managed to get the dildo suction-cupped to the wall at the right height. It looked a little ridiculous, sprouting from his bedroom wall and bobbing there wetly, but when Ross got himself turned around, it quickly became overwhelming. The slick tip of the dildo nudged against the back of his balls, and Ross readjusted his position until he felt pressure in just the right place.

It slid back inside so easily, like it belonged there, though it was still a snug fit. It was overwhelming to have his hands free. Ross rocked his hips experimentally, letting the dildo’s head barely breach him, thinking about Barry watching him like this - having Ross on his hands and knees, grinding his ass back against Barry’s crotch, begging for Barry to just do it, just put it in, just - 

“Please,” Ross gasped out loud, arching his back as low as he could. “Fuck me, Barry.”

And with that, he flexed his thighs and pushed himself backward, the toy sinking all the way into him. The coldness of his bedroom wall against his buttcheeks made him yelp in surprise. Ross imagined Barry’s warmth behind him instead, the crinkly-scratchy feeling of his pubes, his heavy sack resting just behind Ross’s balls. 

_You’re so impatient,_ Barry would say warmly. Ross would crack that calm demeanour by rolling his hips again and fucking himself on Barry’s cock. He did it again, and again, faster now, his ass smacking against the wall on every thrust, almost like the sound Barry’s hips would make against him. Imaginary Barry’s control began to slip and he grabbed Ross hard by the hips, fingers digging into his skin - or maybe he’d grab Ross by the hair, yanking his head back and immobilizing him. Ross would just have to take it, take everything Barry had to give, get plowed into next fucking year until Barry pushed all the way in and held himself there as he let go and filled Ross with his hot thick come -

Ross hadn’t come without touching himself before, and when it happened he was wholly unprepared. His body convulsed, his back arching upward like a cat, and his hands somehow lost their grip on the bed. He wound up falling face-first into the mattress, which smothered his scream as he spurted onto the sheets below. His ass stayed high in the air, still filled to the brim, his muscles clenching onto the toy as if it never wanted to let go. 

On and on it went, the pleasure coming at him in huge waves. By the time it was over Ross was exhausted and practically whimpering from the intensity of the experience. His face and hairline were drenched with sweat and he was making pathetic little noises every time he gulped another breath of air.

The toy in his ass felt bigger than ever. It was a little painful now that Ross’s body was so sensitive. With great effort, Ross shuffled his knees forward slowly until he felt the fake cock slip free. Once it was all the way out, Ross flopped on his back and just _breathed_. It was all his spent body could do. Well, that, and wonder whether or not his ass would ever be the same.

Finally, he opened his eyes again. He looked over at the dildo - still bouncing and hard and ready, and dripping slimy lube all over the blanket - and felt a sense of unreality wash over him as he realized _that entire thing_ had been in him. He felt a little strange back there - sort of loose and wet, all soft around the edges - and it made him blush to realize that he kind of liked feeling so used. 

Ross could have passed out then and there, but - well, cleaning up was probably a good idea, so that he didn’t wake up with both himself and the bed covered in dried lube and come. Reluctantly, he stood up and dragged himself back into the bathroom to wipe himself off with a wet cloth. Despite his fears, his ass seemed to be doing pretty well. It was a little stretched, but nowhere near as open as it _felt_.

Ross looked at himself in the mirror. His cheeks and ears were red, and his hair was still damp and sticking out in all directions, and his lips were stretched in a big stupid lazy smile. 

He was practically fucking _glowing_.

Ross flung the towel into the laundry hamper and curled up in bed like a cat. He felt light and free, the tension gone from his neck and shoulders. And okay, maybe it wasn’t like all his problems were solved - his feelings for Barry were just going to go away now that he had a dildo - but it was _something_ , and it certainly did take the edge off.

He was going to have some trouble sitting down tomorrow, but it was totally worth it.

**

Ross woke up with a smile on his face and his body buzzing with energy. He ate a semi-healthy breakfast and arrived at work earlier than anyone else. Charged with caffeine, he zoomed straight into his office and proceeded to get caught up with his backed-up workload. 

His meetings went well. He had a good time recording a Doodle Doods with Brian as a guest, and his energy came through in his voice and he chattered more than either of his friends. Drawing was not one of Brian’s talents, but his creations had tears streaming down Chris’s cheeks and had Ross laughing until he couldn’t breathe. He even went home for lunch - Dan drove him again - and got a load of laundry done so that he actually had clean socks and underwear lined up for the next few days. 

There was a minor hiccup when Ross upended a carton of milk on his shirt, but that was easily solved. Dan had an extra T-shirt in his car that smelled strongly of Old Spice and Ross borrowed it gratefully.

It was, in short, gearing up to be the best day he’d had since Holly left. 

His elation lasted until quarter to four o’clock, when Ross encountered a little problem with Adobe Premiere and decided to ask Barry for help before trying to troubleshoot the issue himself. This time, he didn’t even need to rehearse what he was going to say. 

Barry’s office door was wide open.

“Hey, Barry,” he began, smooth and casual, as he strolled over. He was looking at his phone and replying to a text from Holly, or else he would have been forewarned. As it was, he walked right into the doorway of Barry’s office and said, “Can I borrow you for a - ”

Arin looked up, his eyes wide. He was bent over Barry’s slumped figure. His hand was on Barry’s back.

And then Barry looked up too, and his face was blotchy and his eyes were red and Ross’s stomach flipped as he realized that for the first time in his life, he was seeing Barry cry.

“Barry?” Ross’s voice was so small. Suddenly the air seemed tight and his throat clenched.

“Ross,” Arin murmured warningly. 

“I…are you…can I…” 

Arin shook his head. “Not right now, okay?”

Barry had looked away, turning his back to Ross.

Ross backed up and tripped noisily over his own feet. “I’m sorry - I didn’t - can I do anything?”

Arin’s face was frozen and hard, like a statue. His voice was rough. “Just _go_ , Ross!” 

Ross didn’t bother going back to his office. He made a dash for the main door, holding back his own tears - for now.

He had thought that everything was going back to normal. 

But now he knew that he’d been dead fucking wrong.


	4. Four

Ross felt strangely like an intruder as he made his way through the empty studio after coming back from his walk. 

It was eerily quiet. The sound of his own footsteps made him wince. He did not want to be heard. He did not want to be seen. Ross would have fled for the safety of his lonely house in the first place, if he hadn’t left his phone and keys in his office. The walk was supposed to have cleared his head, but if anything, he felt worse than ever.

Ross held his breath and turned a corner. Barry’s office door was still open - but now his desk was abandoned. There was no sign of him or of Arin. Ross didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Of course he wanted to see Barry - but he felt his heart couldn’t take it if Barry fled from him or became upset again.

Thinking of what had happened made Ross’s head start whirling all over again.

Barry had been crying. Barry had been crying his fucking eyes out, and he didn’t want Ross near him. Barry wanted to talk to Arin, wanted to be comforted by Arin, because he trusted Arin like he didn’t trust Ross. The same way he didn’t trust Ross enough to come out to him. 

_What did I do?_ Ross wasn’t enough of an egomaniac to assume everything had to do with him. But the look on Arin’s face when he saw Ross - it was more than just startled. It was the _oh shit_ look of someone catching the very person who was just being discussed. 

And whatever it was, Ross was not supposed to hear what they were saying about him.

 _Just go, Ross!_ Arin’s words bounced back and forth in his head.

Barry didn’t want him. Barry didn’t need him. Barry was maybe willing to give Ross a chance - hence his pitying attempt to have a nice recording session with him the day before. And maybe, somehow, Ross had blown it, big time.

He peeked out of his office five times in the following hour, hoping to see Barry come back, to no avail. After an hour or so, he heard Matt and Ryan make a noisy entrance, and sometime later he heard Dan laughing, but there was still no sign of Barry, or of Arin.

Ross felt like a hole had been punched right through him and all of his insecurities were pouring out. Nothing was making sense, nothing felt right, everything was a mess, and he had no idea where to start to make things better again. He’d dealt with his ADD for years, and it was normally tolerable - but sometimes it just felt like his mind was breaking up into pieces like an iceberg, each piece floating off in its own direction, and the harder he tried to round them all up the harder it became to calm himself.

Fingers shaking, Ross opened one of many character boards and tried to convince his brain to turn from hyper-distracted to hyper-focused. It took fifteen minutes of careful breathing and iron will for Ross to calm himself to the point where he thought he might actually make some progress. But then, out of nowhere, came a soft knock on his office door.

Ross stiffened.

The knock came again, a little louder, just three quick raps. 

“Ross?” It was Arin. 

“Nope,” Ross muttered. “He‘s unavailable at the moment.” 

It wasn’t funny.

“Can I come in?”

“I guess.” Ross swiped angrily at his eyes and swivelled in his chair as the door opened.

Arin padded barefoot across the floor. Ross’s office was small, and Arin’s bulk took up a lot of space, but he tried to lean against the wall as if trying to be unobtrusive. 

“What do you want?” Ross finally snapped when Arin made no attempt to talk. “I’m a little busy, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“I just wanted to tell you to give Barry some space for a bit,” Arin said finally.

Ross felt like he’d been punched. “Excuse me?”

Arin raised his hands. “Calm down, Ross.”

“No,” Ross gripped the arms of his chair. “What the hell do you know, anyway?”

Arin looked uncomfortable. “Try not to take this personally, okay? I just - I have a business to run, and I try my best to make sure things go smoothly between everyone.”

“I didn’t fucking _do_ anything!” Ross did not want to cry in front of Arin, but he couldn’t help it. Tears of frustration spilled down his cheeks. “What did he say? Why did I make him so upset?”

“I’m not going to tell you what he said,” Arin said like it was obvious, which, come to think of it, it _was_. If Barry trusted Arin with his secrets, Ross didn’t want Arin to break that trust.

“Fuck!” Ross stood up from his desk and almost hurled his little Blinky Bill paperweight across the room. “I thought we were past this. I thought I was doing good. I thought - I thought we fixed things…”

Arin stood up sharply too. “Ross, hey.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Ross broke and gave a hiccupping sob. “I don’t know what to do, Arin, I don’t want to lose him. I love him, okay, I fucking love him, and I don’t - ”

Arin put his arms around Ross and Ross clung on. He was going to be embarrassed about this later, but fuck it. He shoved his face into Arin’s chest and tried to remember how to breathe.

“I don’t know what’s going on between you two, exactly,” Arin finally said when Ross’s hiccups subsided. “I just know that Barry’s not in a good place - not because of you - and he doesn’t want to talk about it.”

“How do you know it’s not because of me? And if that’s true, why doesn’t he want to see me?” Ross wanted to add, _Why does he like you more than he likes me?_ but thought that sounded even more pitiful and ugly than his childish sobs.

Arin ruminated. Ross pressed the side of his face to his chest and listened to Arin’s booming heartbeat. Finally Arin said, “I think…I think maybe you’re part of why he’s upset, but not because you did something wrong. And that’s why I think it’s best if you just hold off on talking to him for a while. I’m not telling you what you can and can’t do - I’m just giving my honest opinion. Whatever’s going on, there’s something preventing you two from talking about it together, and some distance might help put things in perspective. You should both gather your thoughts and maybe have a good talk sometime in the future. But right now, you’re both worked up, and I don’t see it being productive if you were to try and talk things out.”

It was good, sound advice, but Ross was too far gone to care. He kept seeing Barry’s tear-streaked face, and the guilt was like a knife boring into his heart. 

“I’m sorry,” Ross choked. “I’m so, so sorry. I want to fix it. I need to fix it. I’m sorry. I don’t even know what‘s wrong but I need to fix it.”

“It’s okay,” Arin said, hugging him harder, but it fucking wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay when Barry was god knows where, fucking _crying_ , and Ross - his supposed best friend - could not comfort him.

“Go home and get some rest,” Arin advised.

“But - ” Ross gestured feebly at his computer.

“Work can wait, Ross. Let me drive you home?”

“Okay,” Ross relented.

He laid his forehead against the glass of the car window to soothe the headache that came along with his tears, and when he finally staggered into his house, he collapsed face-first on the couch and cried himself to sleep.

**

Barry missed another two full days of work.

Near the end of the second day, as Ross dragged himself out of his office to get a glass of water, he heard a small voice from behind him.

“Ross?” 

Ross turned sharply, spilling the water on his shoes. 

Barry was standing there, dressed in a grey hoodie and black jeans, watching him with tired, red eyes. His face was drawn and anxious. “Did you get your car back yet?” 

It took a moment for the question to register. It wasn’t at all what Ross expected to hear. “Not ‘til tomorrow.” Ross hesitated. “Bar, hey, are you feeling okay?”

“Not really. Can I give you a lift home?”

Ross blinked. “That…that would be great.”

“And can we maybe take a little detour?”

“Uh, sure? Where do you want to go?”

“Nowhere in particular. We could grab a coffee. Maybe find somewhere we can pull over, so we can talk.”

“We can talk here,” Ross offered, his gut twisting. 

“It’s not as private as I’d like.” 

The water Ross had swallowed was threatening to come up. God, this was it, wasn’t it? Barry was going to let him have it. He was going to do it kindly and gently, because that was the way Barry did _everything_ , but he was going to put his foot down and tell Ross that his behaviour was unacceptable. 

“Okay,” Ross said miserably. “When did you want to leave?” 

“It’s getting kinda late,” Barry said, though it was only quarter past five. “We could go now, if you’re done…”

Ross wasn’t done working, but there was no way in hell he’d ever be able to focus knowing what was coming next. “Okay,” he said over the lump in his throat. “That’s fine, okay. Let me get my stuff.”

Barry drove with his back too straight and his arms too stiff, staring resolutely at the road without so much as glancing at Ross’s face even when they were stuck at a light. Ross fought the urge to talk to fill the silence and stayed quiet as Barry took them down a series of residential roads that Ross didn’t recognize. He picked at his nails and fidgeted with the seatbelt and fought to keep his face calm.

“Do you want coffee?” Barry asked abruptly as a Starbucks loomed up on the right.

“Sure.” It would give Ross something to do with his hands. 

They went through the drive-thru. Barry got a latte and Ross got an espresso frappuccino. Within minutes Ross had chewed the end of his straw to shreds out of stress.

Finally, Barry pulled into a tiny park and turned off the ignition. The silence was deafening. “There’s a picnic table under those trees,” Barry finally said, still not looking at Ross. “Would you like to go sit down?”

“I guess so.” Ross undid the seatbelt and swung his legs out of the vehicle robotically. Without a word to each other, they made their way across a stretch of manicured grass and sat on either side of the crooked, red-painted picnic table beneath a massive stately oak.

It was a beautiful day. The intense heat spell had broken and a gentle breeze stirred through Ross’s fine hair. Barry, despite his tense posture, looked sweet and handsome in the dappled sun shining through the canopy of branches above them. Ross couldn’t look at him for long without revealing his thoughts. He looked down and picked at the ancient peeling paint, scored over many times with initials and hearts.

“I have something to say to you,” Barry began.

Ross’s stomach turned to ice. He forced himself to lift his eyes and gazed at Barry mutely.

“Before I start, I just want you to know that, however this makes you feel, it’s valid and I accept it.”

Oh, god, these were not good signs. This was not a good start.

Ross nodded and hoped he wouldn’t cry. “What are you talking about?”

Barry exhaled hard. His face filled with misery.

Ross thought that he had never seen Barry look like that before - so beaten down, so exhausted, so utterly defeated. Pity stirred in him, and against his better judgment he reached for Barry’s hand. 

He expected Barry to pull away, but instead, Barry laced their fingers together and held on tight.

“I’ve been a complete asshole to you lately,” Barry said hollowly. 

“Barry - ” Ross began to protest, but Barry held up a hand.

“I’m not fishing for reassurance. I want to come clean, okay?”

“Okay,” Ross chewed the inside of his cheek. “Come clean about what?” _Haven’t we talked about this already?_

“Just let me talk. Please?” 

Ross nodded and gripped his thigh hard beneath the table. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear what Barry had to say.

Barry sipped his ice water, took a breath, and said, “I owe you a big apology. I don’t know if that’s enough to make up for the way I’ve been treating you lately, but I thought it’d be a start. I’ve been acting - well, like an asshole, as I said. I’ve been letting petty jealousy get the better of me, and it’s not fair to the rest of you. Especially not you and - you know.”

Ross really didn’t know, but he bit back his questions and just looked at Barry, his blue eyes blazing with curiosity.

“I’ve been pretty distracted by Mary leaving me for some other guy,” Barry went on, “not to mention all the bullshit she’s put me through since then. But I know that’s no excuse for treating my friends like shit. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Barry…” Ross started again.

“No, Ross, you don’t have to say anything. You’ve done nothing to deserve it, okay? It’s all on me. Just let me explain myself.”

Oh, how badly Ross wanted to interject, but he kept his silence as Barry requested.

Barry continued. “I didn’t even tell you how brave you were for being open about your sexuality with the fans. That must have taken a lot of courage. And I’m sure it took him a lot of courage to come to terms with himself, too. I know it’s a big change for both of you. And I am really proud of you, Ross.”

 _He saw my AMA._ But what the hell did Barry mean by _both of you_?

“I just want you to be happy, Ross. I really do.” Barry’s eyes softened. “You deserve it. You’re both great friends of mine, and - and, well, you’re just great people in general. I support you guys and I always will, no matter what. From now on, I’m going to stop being jealous. I’m going to make things right. I promise, Ross. You are far too important to me to lose you as a friend over something so silly. That goes for both of you.”

Ross couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Who else are you talking about?” he demanded.

Barry waved a hand. “You know,” he said. “Dan. I’m going to have a serious talk with him, too, of course. I’ll need to apologize directly…”

“Dan?” Ross blinked several times. “Wait, what about Dan?”

“I’ve been cold to him, too. Even though he’s been nothing but nice to me for years. Like I said, I’ve been acting like a fool. Letting my jealousy ruin my friendships _and_ my conduct at work - I need to grow up.”

“Jealousy? You’re jealous of who? What does this have to do with me and Dan?”

“You two are…you’ve been…” The tips of Barry’s ears turned red. 

_“What?_

“You, ah…you and him, you’re…together, in that way?”

Dead silence fell. Ross stared at Barry like he’d grown another head.

“I didn’t mean to find out,” Barry said hurriedly. “I wasn’t like, spying on you. I’m not that awful of a person. I just - I figured it out on my own.”

“Barry,” Ross said slowly. “I’m not dating Dan.”

“That’s fine too,” Barry said quickly, “if it’s sort of not official, that’s completely valid to me - ”

“I’m not fucking him either,” Ross said pointedly, feeling caught between screaming laughter and blank confusion. “What the hell are you talking about, Barry?”

Barry’s face froze. “You’re - you’re not?”

“No! God! You really thought - for how long? And _why_?”

“It’s been so obvious!” Barry’s eyebrows had practically lifted off into space.

“What _planet_ are you on? Seriously - _Dan_? Me and Dan? Can you think of a worse couple?”

“You were on top of him, kissing him, that day in the office…” Barry reddened when Ross looked at him. “I didn’t mean to see. I just…I looked in and I saw you two on the couch.”

“You saw me kissing Dan? What the hell?” Ross wrinkled up his nose, and finally figured out what the fuck Barry was talking about. “Oh - Oh, jesus, Barry, I was giving him a raspberry!”

There was a beat of silence.

“A raspberry,” Barry said doubtfully. “On his neck.”

“Well, yeah,” Ross frowned. “You can’t give a raspberry on his face. It’s too furry. It wouldn’t make the squelching noise.” It was all making sense now. Barry was in love with Dan. And Barry was jealous because he thought Dan was with _him!_ It was too funny. Ross couldn’t help but start to grin.

“Why were you on top of him in the first place?” asked Barry.

“I wanted a hug,” Ross explained. “Dan gives good hugs.” 

“He does,” Barry agreed, laughing a little hysterically. “He’s a good cuddler. You wouldn’t think so to look at him.”

Something squirmed in Ross’s belly but he quickly admonished himself. He was _not_ going to get jealous.

“But wait,” Barry said suddenly. “Then who did you have over when I came by that one evening?”

“Nobody!”

“You said - ”

“I know what I said. I was just - startled into a lie. I was, um. By myself, doing - well - you know.” 

Barry‘s face cleared, but only for an instant before he said, “But the hickey!” 

“ _What_ hickey?”

“After Dan drove you into work that one time. You showed up late, in Dan’s car, with a giant fucking hickey on your neck.”

“I fell on a doorknob! I told you! And my car broke down - and Dan’s the only one that lives out by me!”

“That was the _truth_?” Barry rubbed his forehead. “You really did fall into a door? That sounded like the worst excuse I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Now that you put it that way…” Ross thought that this would be all be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t happening to him.

Barry shoved his hands into his own hair. “But what about - he was in your office on his day off! You were holding each other. You slapped his ass right in front of me!”

“ _Holding each other?_ I was giving him a noogie. And - well, yeah, I totally did, but it wasn’t - like that. He came to me for some advice and I was just messing with him a little.”

“You called him ‘sexy’ - the day he mysteriously showed up in your office when he said he was busy all day - ”

“I was quoting Mean Girls!” 

“Okay,” Barry rubbed his face. “Okay, I’m confused. How did I manage to fuck this up so badly?”

Ross felt a rush of sympathy. This changed nothing for Barry. Dan was in love with Arin, and Ross didn’t think Barry was really Dan’s type. “No,” he said softly. “I understand.” Everything about Barry’s behaviour was falling into place. Poor Barry! Ross didn’t feel envious. He had accepted that Barry would never love him back. If they could manage to mend their friendship, Ross would never take it for granted again.

Barry looked up, hopeful. “You do?”

“Dan’s a great guy,” Ross said with sincere warmth. “I think it would be easy to fall for him. He’s so genuine and nice, and a good listener. Nothing ever keeps him down for long. He makes it easy to love him. When did you realize you liked him? Back when you lived together?”

“What?”

“When did you realize that you were in love with Dan?”

“Ross, what the hell?”

“ _What?_ ”

“I’m not in love with Dan!”

“And neither am I! So what the hell are we talking about?”

“Ross, oh, my God.” Barry groaned and leaned back in his seat. 

Ross threw up his hands and waited, but Barry did not seem eager to offer an explanation. “I’m lost,” Ross said pleadingly. “I don’t understand why you’ve been upset if you don’t like him. Wasn’t that what you’re trying to say? You’ve been weird around me because you were jealous because you like Dan and you thought I was with him.”

Barry stared at him.

“Please,” Ross said desperately. “Give me a hint, here.”

Barry covered his face with his hands, took several deep breaths, and blurted, “I’m - I’m in love with _you_ , Ross.”

“Wait.” Everything seemed to freeze in place. Ross could hear his own heartbeat roaring in his ears. “ _Me?_ ”

Barry‘s voice was muffled behind his hands. “I’m sorry.”

“Barry.” Ross leaned forward and caught Barry’s wrists, pulling them away so he could see Barry’s beautiful fucking face. “Don’t be sorry. Just - repeat that again. Please.”

Barry groaned again. “Ross, fuck. I can’t. Don’t make me. I - I don’t want you to hate me for this. I can’t help it. But I promise I will do everything I can to make sure our friendship stays the same. Whatever it takes.”

“Barry - ”

“I can’t lose you, Ross.” Barry’s voice was thick. “I just can’t. Don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you! Just - wait a minute, hear me out - ”

“I’ll do anything, _anything_ to make up for the way I’ve been treating you, I’ll try to stop - being like this. I’ll try to get over you. Just give me a chance.”

“Barry!”

Ross couldn’t think anymore. His brain had been scrambled. His life had been turned upside down so many times in the last thirty seconds that he barely knew which way was up anymore. “I’ve fucking been in love with you since we met, okay?” Ross burst out, and he lunged forward to kiss Barry square on the mouth.

It was awkward, and their noses bumped together, and Ross got a splinter in his hand from the stupid picnic table, but none of it mattered. He grabbed at the back of Barry’s head as if needing to anchor himself. Barry’s hand came up more slowly, sliding around Ross’s neck to caress the soft skin just behind his ear. Ross had just enough time to register the sweet scent of Barry’s breath - like coffee, but pleasant - before he was pulling back, shocked at his own audacity.

Barry looked stunned. His mouth opened and closed. “What…I don’t…”

“I’ve fucking - all this time - I’ve been - ” Ross grasped for words, his mouth opening and closing again, wondering if he looked like a stupid fish. “I’ve been trying to hold it back, stressing out so hard over it - I thought you knew and you hated me for it!”

“All this time,” Barry repeated. “You said since we _met_?”

“Practically,” Ross admitted. Now that his brain had caught up, he felt a dull flush spreading across his face. He had kissed Barry. _He kissed Barry._ And Barry wasn’t disgusted. Barry had fucking liked it - had _kissed him back_ , what the fuck. Ross resisted the urge to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t asleep.

Barry’s eyes focused on Ross’s and peered into them deeply, as if to ascertain that Ross wasn’t taking the piss out of him. “You never said…never even hinted…”

“Neither did you!” And as much as Ross loved Barry, something still chafed. “You never told me you weren’t straight.”

Barry looked down at his lap. “I thought I was. Until I met you.”

“And now?”

Barry shook his head. “I don’t know,” he said slowly. “All this time I’ve been trying to figure that out…but it’s just you. Only you. I’m not attracted to anyone else - gay porn does nothing for me -” 

“You told other people...” Ross began, before he closed his mouth and blushed. He didn’t want Barry thinking that all his friends talked behind his back.

“I’ve told a few people, not many, that I was bi. That’s what I’m sticking with. I know now that I’m not straight - I can’t be - but I can’t exactly walk around saying I’m Ross-sexual.”

“I thought maybe you came out to them and not me because you didn’t trust me.”

Barry’s eyebrows shot up. “Are you kidding? Who wouldn’t trust you and Holly with that kind of thing?”

Ross shrugged, too wild with relief to come up with an answer. Now that the tension had broken, he couldn’t stop smiling. “I still can’t believe you thought me and Dan were dating. Oh, my God, that’s too funny.” He laughed like an idiot. Ross felt like he could laugh for the rest of his life. 

“Well, there were so many clues!” Barry protested.

“Oh?” Ross couldn’t stop grinning. “Do tell.”

“How about two days ago when you disappeared with him at lunch and came back wearing his shirt?”

“I spilled milk on myself,” Ross explained. “Dan had an extra shirt in his car. Oh, fuck, is that why you were so upset?”

“It wasn’t the main reason,” Barry admitted, “but it sure didn’t make me feel better.”

Ross felt a twinge of guilt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Barry huffed. “You’ve just been…you guys have been so close lately…I don’t think I’ve seen you two just hanging out for ages. You were playing video games with him at the office after hours…”

“Only because I was sad that you cancelled our plans.”

“Oh, fuck, Ross. That was…I should have explained myself. Mary called me at work. Said she needed to get something from our - from my place. I had to go home. I would have brought you, but - well, she can be pretty volatile when it comes to you. It would have gotten ugly.”

“Mary hates me? I wasn’t just imagining that?”

“Ross,” Barry said slowly, after a long pause. “You’re why she left me.”

There was a long moment of silence. When Ross realized what Barry was saying, he felt a strange mixture of horror, pride and sympathy. “It was me she wanted you to stop talking to,” he said in wonder. “I was the reason for the ultimatum?”

“She knows how I feel about you. She deleted texts from you out of my phone. She deleted that picture I had of us at Niagara Falls.” Barry‘s voice was hoarse. “And finally she said I couldn’t be your friend anymore if I wanted to stay with her.”

“And what did you say?”

Barry looked sheepish. “I may have told her to go fuck herself?”

Ross barked out a laugh at Barry’s bluntness. “Seriously?”

“Those were the last words I said to her before I went out and came back to find her gone.”

Ross was damn glad Barry had stood up for himself like that. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Well, I’m kind of sorry. I’m glad she’s out of your life, but I don’t like being part of something that hurt you.”

“I’m sorry that she was always rude to you. I…I don’t know why I stayed with her.”

“Some people are like a bad habit,” Ross offered. “You can’t help it.”

“That’s no excuse,” Barry said miserably. “I was a coward, plain and simple.”

“She’s gone now. It doesn’t matter.” Ross hated to hear Barry run himself down. He changed the subject. “So, tell me another reason why you thought Dan and I were a thing?”

“Well, there was that other time, when we went to lunch at that place Arin likes. You guys were being all cute and playing footsie - ”

“Is that why you snapped at Dan?”

“I’m not proud of it, but yeah. I just - it was so hard not to be jealous when it was happening right in front of my face.”

Ross shook his head. “I kicked him for being an idiot. He didn’t notice Arin’s stupid attempts to flirt with him and it was driving me up the wall.”

“Arin was flirting with him?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t notice that either!”

Barry shrugged and looked embarrassed again.

“How could you not see that!” Ross cried. “Dan was like, sucking on his straw and Arin was practically drooling - ”

“Well, I wasn’t looking at them, was I?”

“They were _right there_!”

“I was distracted,” Barry flushed. “I was kind of - I was too busy looking at you, okay?”

That took the words right out of Ross’s mouth. “At me?” he said foolishly.

“It’s hard not to look at you.” Barry’s blush extended to his ears. “Do you even know how gorgeous you are, Ross?”

Ross felt warmth flood his chest. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. What could he even say to that? Instead, he leaned across the table again, and this time Barry met him halfway. 

The kiss was light, hesitant, exploratory. Ross tilted his head, fitting them together just right. Somehow, though it was only their second kiss, it already felt familiar. Ross coaxed Barry’s mouth open with a nudge of his tongue, and Barry tasted like coffee and crisp apples and everything Ross could ever need or want. Barry brought a hand up and placed it lightly under Ross’s chin, along his jaw. He was gentle, but Ross could feel the hint of dominance there, the way Barry subtly angled for control without taking it by force. And _fuck_ , it was working, Ross was _melting_ from the barest touch of Barry’s fingers stroking the soft skin by his ear.

He could have kissed Barry for an hour, or longer. But this wasn’t nearly private enough. They had no voyeurs yet, but Ross didn’t doubt that the park would soon fill up with people taking their dogs out for a walk after dinner. He nipped teasingly at Barry’s lip as he pulled away. 

Barry’s eyes were like two deep pools, his gaze darker than Ross had ever seen it. “You have no idea how many times I’ve imagined what your mouth tastes like.”

“Did it live up to your expectations?”

“Well, I’m not sure.” Barry’s gaze was fixed on his mouth. “I think I’m gonna have to try it again.”

Ross swallowed hard, closing his eyes to break the spell that Barry’s intense gaze was casting over him. He felt almost drunk. The sunlight was too bright, making his thoughts slow and logy, and the lust flowing through his veins like fire didn’t help. He wanted to kiss Barry breathless, wanted to pin him against the tree and feel Barry’s arms around him. He _wanted_ , wanted so bad, but they were in public, and fuck, he still had so many questions. 

This was big. This was serious. Ross didn’t do casual. It was all or nothing with him, always had been, and he wanted to be sure of what was happening before he let himself throw his heart out there.

“Barry,” he murmured. “I think - I think we should probably - ”

Barry blinked, just as sun-dazed as Ross. “Yeah,” he said thickly. “Yeah, shit, this is probably kind of stupid.” He glanced around, seeming to come back into the present moment. “This park is private enough to talk without being heard, but I’m pretty sure it’s easy to see us from the road.”

Ross nodded. “And this picnic table isn’t exactly comfortable.” 

“I still feel a little mixed up,” Barry admitted. “My head is whirling. I still don’t get how we were so blind. I think there’s more that we need to talk about before we jump into anything.”

“That makes sense.”

“I, um.” Barry looked over at his car. His foot tapped on the ground. “We could go to my place? Not to - I don’t mean to sound forward, I just mean - it’s closer than your house - don’t take it the wrong way? I just want to talk. I mean, I want to do more than that too, but. Only if you want.”

Ross felt a smile stretching his face. Barry was still as adorable and wholesome as ever. His blushes and fidgets were entirely at odds with the smoking-hot look he had given Ross not two minutes ago. Ross remembered the feeling of Barry’s hand on his jaw, how he could sense Barry’s desire to grip his face harder, to really take control. He wondered what it would take to get Barry so worked up that he would break, maybe pin Ross down to the couch, or his bed, and take what he wanted. Ross could hear his heart pounding loud in his ears. 

“It’s okay,” he made himself say. “Your place is fine. Maybe we could order something for dinner?”

“We could,” Barry said, sounding half-hopeful and half-scared. “And then - ”

Ross shrugged one shoulder, trying to sound nonchalant. “We’ll see where things go from there?”

“Oh.” Barry drew in a short, quick breath. “Okay. That sounds - that sounds pretty reasonable.”

When they stood up from the picnic table and walked back to Barry’s car, Ross almost felt like he was coming back into the real world from some place out of dreamland. He suddenly felt unsure of himself, off-balance and uncertain. He’d gone on such a roller coaster of emotions in the past hour and, given his luck recently, it seemed like this was all too good to be true.

But then Barry slipped his hand into his, giving him a tentative squeeze, and Ross looked into his best friend’s clear eyes and realized, with a jolt, that this was really happening.

**

Barry poured two glasses of wine and set one in front of Ross, who murmured his thanks. They both normally drank beer, but this somehow seemed more appropriate after all that had happened today. Ross found the wine light and dry and sweet, perfect for refreshing his dry mouth and bolstering his courage.

Barry took a long draw himself. “Let’s go sit down on the couch,” he suggested.

“Sure.”

Ross led the way. He’d been in Barry’s house before, of course, plenty of times. It was different now that Mary had gone. She had taken her clutter and her knickknacks and the coffee table was no longer crowded with insipid magazines like _Cosmo_ and celeb gossip rags. Barry had a single novel laying out, tattered and bookmarked. The photo collage of the two of them was gone as well, of course. Likely Barry had taken it down. Ross couldn’t see Mary wanting to bring it with her to the other guy’s place.

“Sorry about the mess in here,” Barry said, looking around him.

Ross almost laughed. Barry was neat and orderly; Ross was the chaotic one. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “That single speck of dirt on the floor is just bothering me so much.” 

Barry’s hands were fidgety again. He set his glass down on the coffee table and the wine sloshed around. “I’ve been thinking,” he began. “About how and why we made such a mess of things.”

Ross snorted. “Because I’m an idiot?” he offered.

Barry shook his head and grinned. “I was the one responsible for all of this.” He sipped more wine, took a deep breath, and said, “Let’s start from the beginning.”

“Okay,” Ross said easily, stretching out his legs. He gazed at Barry and waited. It was so freeing to be able to stare as long as he wanted, to take in every detail of Barry’s handsome face and let his eyes linger on his mouth. He could listen to Barry talk forever. 

“So,” Barry began with a deep breath. “After Mary left me, I wasn’t exactly in a good state of mind. I don’t love her - I thought I did, a long time ago, and I tried to keep it up - but losing everything we had still hurt. I took a break from work to clear my head. And when I came back, you came right over to me and gave me a hug. You were so nice and supportive, and it was supposed to be a friendly gesture and yet all I could think about was how much I wanted you. I almost confessed it right then and there. It made me realize that I didn’t trust myself around you. I lost a girlfriend already. I wasn’t ready to lose a best friend, too. You offered to come over after work and I wanted nothing more, but - well, like I said, I didn’t trust myself. I wasn’t in a good place.

“Then I almost kissed you in Arin’s car after we went out for lunch. You looked so beautiful, just smiling at me, and I nearly lost my head. I couldn’t wait to see more of you without having to worry about Mary finding out. But then, the next day, Mary called me and said she was in the house, waiting for me.”

“What?” Ross interrupted with disbelief. “She still has keys?”

“I didn’t exactly get around to changing the locks yet,” Barry grimaced. “So I had to leave work right away. She was demanding the upstairs TV and threatening to take more of my stuff if I didn’t come help her load it into her new boyfriend’s truck. I didn’t want to talk about it. And then you said you were hanging out with Dan anyway, and that’s when I guess the first seed of jealousy was planted.”

“I wanted to see you,” Ross blurted. “I texted you…”

“I know.” Barry sucked the inside of his cheek into his mouth. “It just…felt like pity, I guess. When Mary was over we got in a fight. She always liked to tell me how ridiculous it was that I liked you, that you were too good for me, how you probably fucked hotter guys all the time with Holly anyway - “

Ross’s eyes practically bulged. “Whoa, what?”

“She knows Holly is pan, and she knows you guys are poly. I guess to her, that means you guys just have wild orgies all the time.”

Ross scrunched up his face. Barry laughed and said, “Yeah, pretty much. Practically all of our fights were about you, to be honest. I know that doesn’t make me look very good, but I guess…I stuck around because she made me feel so low, like I would never have anything better.

“Anyway, it wasn’t long after that when you came into work with what I thought was a hickey - after spending time with Dan, and having him drive you to work. I remembered what Mary said about me not being good enough for you, and I looked at Dan and - well, even if you’re not interested in him, you have to admit that a lot of people think he’s hot.”

Ross nodded. “I’m not into the gangly grasshopper thing, but he is cute, I guess.” It was hard to think of Dan as anything but a brother.

“You guys seemed to be getting along so well. And I was like a stupid selfish prick. Like when we tried to record, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the two of you together long enough to act like a decent human being. I was being such a dick and Dan was being so nice and energetic and he was making you laugh, and it really did make it obvious that I wasn’t as good to you. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I felt so bad that I drove to your place later to apologize…and when you answered the door it was pretty obvious what you’d been doing. And you said you had someone over, and well - I connected the dots.”

“You thought it was Dan.” 

Barry nodded. 

“That’s a pretty far stretch, when all you saw was a bruise on my neck,” Ross pointed out.

“That’s what I tried to convince myself. But the very next day I looked into the recording studio and saw you and Dan on the couch, with you on top of him and your face in his neck and his hand in your hair, and his arms were around you, and I felt like my heart just ripped out of my chest.

“I was jealous. I was jealous and angry and I had no fucking right to be. And then you two went home together - and out for dinner together - and then I saw your AMA where you came out, and I saw Danny tweet something about fluid sexuality…” 

Ross was so moved that Dan had thought his words worth repeating that it took him a while to realize that Barry was looking at him cautiously, waiting for his response. “I didn’t think I was behaving any differently around Dan,” Ross said honestly. “And I didn’t mean to come out on Reddit like that. It just sort of - happened.”

Barry sighed. “It was none of my business anyway. I was being ridiculous.”

“You weren’t.” Ross thought about how he’d feel if their positions were reversed, and he saw Barry on top of Dan like that. 

“I didn’t mean to freak out the other day at work. I was trying to hold it all in, trying to be a damn adult about the whole thing. But - I don’t know - I got to thinking about things Mary had said, thinking about how I was nothing but a big failure, thinking about how cold and rude I’d been being to Dan…and I realized Mary was right. That I didn’t deserve you, that I was stupid for thinking I’d ever have a chance in hell.”

Ross hated to hear Barry talk about himself like that, but it was clear that Barry wasn’t done.

“I made an effort to set things right. I forced myself to man up and ask you to record a few episodes. It’s my job, and you’re my friend. I had to be capable of holding on to both. And you - you were so sweet to me, sweeter than I deserved. Saying all those nice things about me and being mad at Mary for me. And that started to whirl around in my head, and I couldn’t get my work done, and I just got more and more frustrated with myself until something burst and I just started to cry.”

Ross felt a lump form in his throat. He grabbed for Barry’s hand again to comfort him. “And you needed someone to talk to, someone like Arin…”

“I guess Arin heard me crying. He’s - he’s a good guy, too. He just wanted to make sure I was alright. I couldn’t bring myself to confess why I was so upset, but I think he sort of knew. He’s good at that - being perceptive, I mean.”

“He knew some of it,” Ross said. “He knew I was involved, at least.”

Barry nodded. “Saying all of this out loud makes it sound even more stupid,” he said. “I’m not doing a great job of explaining myself. It’s just hard to explain how having Mary constantly run me down put me in a weird state of mind.”

“She was abusing you,” Ross said hotly. “Mentally abusing you. Of course you felt mixed up and emotional. You don’t have to try to explain any more. Knowing that you were never mad at me, or grossed out by me or something, is all I really needed to hear.”

Barry looked incredulous. “Is that what you thought?”

“I didn’t know what to think. I thought I was being way too obvious and you were repulsed by it.”

“Obvious?” spluttered Barry. “ _Repulsed_?”

“I popped a huge boner when I hugged you. After you came back from your break.” Ross bit his lower lip. “Isn’t that kind of shitty? Knowing you were upset, and getting turned on anyway?”

“Fuck,” Barry blurted. “No, fuck, that’s - that’s kind of hot.”

Ross was startled into a laugh. After a beat, Barry laughed too.

“I wish I’d known that,” Barry said. “I would have felt a lot less weird about where my mind was going, having you pressed against me like that.”

Ross looked up at him, temporarily lost for words.

“It would take a hell of a lot more than that to push me away from you anyway,” Barry said softly. “Even if I didn’t feel the same way about you, I could never live without you.”

“Yeah?” Ross leaned in closer. The couch dipped, pressing their bodies together. Ross was close enough to smell Barry’s deodorant, a crisp clean scent with the underlying musk of his sweat. He could see the pores on Barry’s nose, the stubble beneath his chin where he’d shaved the part of his beard that crept down his neck. Ross was terrified and exhilarated all at once.

“Yeah,” Barry almost whispered. “Ross, I love you.”

They had said those words to each other before, but now, after all that had happened, they made Ross’s skin prickle with goosebumps. He swallowed hard and saw Barry’s face freeze, as if he were terrified that he’d gone too far.

Ross’s accent grew thick as he opened his mouth and said, “I love you too,” and watched the look of wonder that spread over Barry’s face. 

Barry curled an arm around Ross’s shoulders. Ross leaned in willingly, placing a hand on Barry’s thigh for balance. The tip of his nose brushed against Barry’s. Barry grinned and kissed it.

Ross felt an odd and pleasant ache deep in his chest and faintly recognized the feeling. It was the same thing he’d felt so many years ago when he’d decided to propose to Holly. It was the knowledge, and not just the feeling, that he was in love, and that his life was only going to get better from here.

And then Barry kissed him, firm and sure and with more of that hint of dominance that Ross had glimpsed before. Ross let him lead. He felt like their bodies were melting together. Their wine glasses sat almost untouched on the table in front of them; they didn’t need it, drunk off each other instead. Barry tasted just as sweet as the finest vintage and his tongue proved to be just as talented as his hands. Ross found the courage to move his hand higher.

Barry moaned into his mouth and his teeth nipped at Ross’s lower lip. When they broke apart to breathe, Ross actually whimpered at the loss of Barry’s tongue.

Barry stroked his knuckles lightly down Ross’s temple to smooth his hair back. “God, Ross, I still can’t believe this is happening. You smell so good.” He was trembling, Ross noticed, and his thighs were shifting, as if - as if maybe the button or zipper of his jeans was beginning to dig into something had was beginning to swell.

All this time, Ross reflected, staring at Barry dumbly, overwhelmed. All this time he had been mooning and sulking and complaining, and Barry had wanted him too. They could have been doing this for weeks, months, maybe even years. Maybe if Ross had been there to boost Barry’s confidence, he wouldn’t have put up with a minute of Mary’s verbal abuse. She had made him feel low and worthless, Barry had said. Ross was determined to show Barry how wrong she was.

He nuzzled at Barry’s ear. “Maybe we should go up to your room?”

Barry’s eyes went wide. 

Ross grinned and kissed him quickly, teasingly. He stood up and tugged at Barry’s arm. “Come on,” he said, and then, sweetly, “Please?”

“Fuck,” Barry said thickly, and in the blink of an eye he was standing too, taking Ross by the hand and leading the way.

Barry’s bedroom wasn’t at familiar to Ross as the rest of the house. It was plain and homey, slightly bare with some of the furniture gone and the TV stand empty, but the bed was big and inviting. 

Ross flopped onto it immediately and bounced with the springy mattress. He stretched and wriggled, finding the comfiest position. He was surrounded by Barry’s scent and he loved it. 

Barry was watching him, smiling almost nervously. He moved as if to join Ross, and then stopped. His hands went to the hem of his T-shirt. “Can I?” he asked, as if he needed permission to take his own shirt off.

“This is your room,” Ross pointed out. He rolled onto his stomach and propped himself up on his elbows. “You can do whatever you want.”

“What I meant to say was, do you want me to?”

“Um,” Ross licked his lips and pretended to be seriously thinking about it. Then he rolled his eyes playfully and flipped onto his back again, looking at Barry upside down. “Are you serious? Of course I want to see you.”

“I just need to know that I’m not - being too forward, or - I just - ”

Barry was adorable when he was nervous, Ross decided. He quickly wriggled out of his own shirt and threw it at Barry.

Barry caught it instinctively. His eyes were locked on Ross. Slowly, he folded Ross’s shirt and placed it on the dresser, then peeled his own shirt off much more slowly. 

Ross stared, caught off guard even though he’d seen Barry shirtless a hundred times before. He was gorgeous, with the small paunch of belly that Ross longed to kiss and all his thick dark hair that covered his chest and flowed down his stomach, a stark contrast to Ross’s own nearly-hairless body. 

Barry knelt at the foot of the bed and crawled up toward Ross. He bent to kiss Ross’s bare stomach, which tickled and made Ross giggle. The giggle cut off sharply and turned to a moan when Barry moved higher and kissed one nipple and then the other, the warmth of his tongue shockingly good on Ross’s sensitive skin.

“Barry,” Ross whined as Barry licked the little nub until it hardened, then opened his mouth and _sucked_. “Barry, please…” He didn’t even know what he was begging for. He only knew that he wanted more.

Barry straddled his stomach and cupped Ross’s face in both hands. “You’re beautiful,” he said, and Ross had to close his eyes because he couldn’t handle the heat of Barry’s gaze. Barry leaned in - Ross could feel the warmth of his face as it grew close - and brushed his lips against Ross’s nose. “You’re so beautiful I don’t even know how you’re real.”

“Maybe I’m not.” Ross felt giddy. He couldn’t stop grinning. “Maybe I’m just a figment of your imagination.”

“Well,” Barry’s smile lit up the room, “it wouldn’t be the first time I imagined having you in my bed with me.”

“Jesus, Barry.” Ross’s breath caught in his throat. He tried to wrap his head around the thought of Barry, fantasizing about _him_ , but it was so hard. It was hard to wrap his head around anything when he had Barry on top of him. 

Barry’s hands couldn’t seem to be still. He traced the outline of Ross’s collarbone, touched the sparse light hairs below his navel, cupped the slight swell of Ross’s tiny hips. He kissed Ross’s neck and Ross let his head fall back.

“Barry?”

“Mmm?” Barry rumbled, as his tongue found the sensitive spot just beneath his ear.

“You should take your pants off.”

Barry reared back, blinking as if to clear his head. “Yeah? Are you sure, Ross?”

Ross rubbed his cheek against Barry’s face like a cat. “Fuck, of course I am. Do you know how long I’ve wanted this?”

Barry groaned. In an instant the warmth of his body was gone. Barry rolled to the side and peeled his jeans down his legs. Underneath he had on faded blue boxers that looked soft and worn. The shape of his hardness beneath the fabric made Ross’s breath catch in his throat.

Maybe Barry’s control was starting to slip, or maybe Ross had managed to convince him that this was what he really wanted, because Barry did not hesitate as he reached down to pop the button of Ross’s jeans. Ross let out a contented sigh at the feeling of freedom as Barry pulled the constricting denim down his legs.

When Barry crawled back on top of him, so much bare skin pressed to Ross’s, the intimacy of it took Ross’s breath away. Their bodies were so different, yet fit together so well. Ross was all peaches and cream, smooth and a little on the bony side, where Barry was soft and fuzzy, his colouring so dark next to Ross’s fairness. 

Ross couldn’t get enough of it. He pushed his fingers through Barry’s thatch of chest hair, slid his arms around his back, pulled Barry firmly against him to feel the pressure of Barry’s arousal against his own.

“Fuck,” Barry choked out, looking down at Ross’s tight Monster Hunter boxers. With a quick glance at Ross’s face as if to make sure he wasn’t crossing a line, he reached down and cupped the outline of Ross’s cock. Ross felt his dick twitch at the sudden contact. And when Barry wrapped his hand around him and _stroked_ , such a goddamn tease with the layer of fabric between, Ross felt like all the wires to his brain were being violently yanked out with a burst of sparks. 

“ _Barry,_ ” he gasped.

“Yeah?” Barry’s voice was low. He kissed down Ross’s chest, paused briefly, and leaned down to nuzzle at his cock.

“Oh, my God,” Ross said to the ceiling, his hands thrusting down to grab at Barry’s hair. “Barry, fuck, you’re gonna make me - ”

“Just from this?” Barry’s breath was warm. 

“I want,” Ross panted. “Barry, I want…”

Barry hooked two fingers under the waistband of Ross’s boxers and gave him a questioning look.

Ross could only nod, dumbstruck. 

Barry pulled his boxers down and off and Ross had to close his eyes, overwhelmed at the sight of the rosy curve of his cock so close to Barry’s face.

He was tentative at first. Ross kept his hips tense, holding himself down so he wouldn’t move and startle him. The first touch of Barry’s mouth was feather-light, a quick touch of his tongue, and the nervous puffs of his breath felt cold on the wet spot his mouth had made. 

Ross was generally demanding in bed - if he wasn’t being dominated, he liked to give orders - but for this, Barry’s first time, he kept quiet. When Barry got up the nerve to wrap his mouth fully around him, Ross skated his hand lightly over Barry’s hair and said, “That’s so good, Bar, so good.”

And it was. It was _too_ good. Maybe another time, in the future, Ross would want this to last for as long as it could - Barry going at his own pace, learning what felt good for him and what didn’t. But tonight, Ross wanted more. He never had been very good about doing things in moderation. 

And if he came right now, into the hot wet suction of Barry’s cautious mouth, then he’d be too over stimulated and oversensitive to do anything else.

“C’mere,” he said, reaching for Barry’s shoulder. Barry made a _hmm_ sound, sending wonderful vibrations through Ross’s dick, and Ross cursed. He pulled harder until Barry drew off his cock and crawled back up his body.

“What do you want me to do?” Barry asked him, which was a line straight out of Ross’s fantasies.

Ross was both insanely nervous and incredibly excited. He remembered the feeling of the dildo so heavy and thick on his tongue. “I want to try it on you.”

“You mean - what I just - ”

“Mmmhmm,” Ross said, and he wet his lips.

Barry got his boxers off so fast that Ross had to laugh at him. 

It was Barry’s turn to make an embarrassing whine as Ross moved down the bed and kissed his fuzzy inner thighs, his navel, everywhere but his cock. “Ross,” he pleaded as Ross nosed happily at the top of his pubic hair. 

“Shh,” Ross said. He propped himself up on one elbow and let himself absorb the sight of Barry’s thick cock. He was glad he’d gotten the extra-large medium dildo now. If he hadn’t already known how much he could take, Barry’s dick would certainly be intimidating. “Fuck,” he said, wrapping his hand around the base. “You’re so thick.”

Barry’s cock pulsed in Ross’s hand as he groaned.

“I bet you taste a lot better than that dildo,” Ross said decidedly right before he opened his mouth and took in the head of Barry’s cock.

“Ross,” Barry gasped, his stomach tensing. “Oh, my god, Ross. _Ross_ , fuck, you - you have a - _what_ …oh, fuck, what…”

Ross couldn’t decide which he liked better - the feeling of Barry’s cock in his mouth, all warm and living and so much better than silicone, or the way the man was reduced to a babbling mess so quickly. He took a little more of the shaft into his mouth curiously, exploring the texture of the veins beneath his tongue, then drew off with a wet pop. He looked up at Barry and said wickedly, “I like playing with my toys.”

The noise Barry made in response might have been a word or a sentence. It was hard to tell. Ross didn’t think it mattered. All he cared about was making Barry feel good. All that mattered was the hot slick velvety glide of Barry’s cockhead as Ross drew back and rubbed his lips over the slit. Barry’s fingers wound into his hair, a gentle wordless request for more. Ross was happy to oblige. 

He found a rhythm he could handle, sinking his mouth down about halfway and using his hand to stroke the rest. Barry kept his hand on the back of Ross’s head but did not push him down. Barry was a gentleman through and through. Ross bobbed his head and moved his hips to rut against the mattress as his free hand caressed Barry’s hip.

After a few minutes Barry’s fingers tightened in his hair, giving a gentle pull. “Ross…”

“Mmmh,” Ross moaned, sucking harder. Suddenly he realized that his eyes had been closed this whole time. That seemed a tragic waste - to miss what Barry’s face looked like when he was getting his dick sucked. It strained his eyes to look up but he tried his best.

Barry swore as Ross’s big blue eyes looked up at him dreamily. “I can’t,” he said hoarsely, his ruddy face shiny with sweat. “Ross, I can’t, hey - ”

Ross pulled off willingly, with a questioning sound. Had he done something wrong? His lips felt a little numb and there was a lot of excess saliva in his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he said pre-emptively.

Barry barked out a laugh. “No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just, I’m going to come if you keep doing that, and um. It’s, I don‘t know what you want to do about that, or if you don’t want me to - ”

“Oh.” Ross sucked air through his teeth as he watched a pearly bead of fluid drip from the flushed head of Barry’s dick. He wanted to know what it was like to bring Barry to the edge, wanted to know what his come tasted like, if Ross would enjoy it. But if Barry was willing to go this far with him, then there was a chance that he’d be willing to do what Ross wanted most.

And of course, he spoke before he could think about how to ask properly and maybe sound halfway suave.

“Will you fuck me?” he blurted. “Please?” 

Barry blinked. “Ross - you mean - you really mean you want me to - ”

Ross felt a little bit of nervousness creep in. Barry might not want to just do everything all at once. “Do you want to?” he asked, a little more meekly.

Barry stared down at him. “Fuck, of course I want to.”

“Do you have lube?” Ross pressed. He curled his hand lightly around the base of Barry’s shaft and gave him a few light, languid strokes that had Barry’s hips rolling.

“I do,” Barry said slowly, “but I don’t have any condoms.” 

“Is that a concern?” Ross asked quietly. “I don’t have anything. You can trust me. I haven’t been with anyone but Holly for ages, and when I met her I got tested.”

“I went to the clinic pretty recently. After Mary…well - I don’t know anything for sure, but I think that guy she moved in with had been over here before and I wanted to make sure…”

Ross nodded. “Probably smart.”

“I checked out fine. If you’re not concerned…then I’m not, either.”

“Okay,” Ross said. He kissed the tip of Barry’s cock again and crawled back up to lay beside him. “So what are you waiting for?”

Barry took a deep breath and rolled over, rooting around in his nightstand. When he rolled back he was clutching a small clear bottle, looking half terrified and half exhilarated. He hesitated, looking at Ross, until Ross took the bottle from him and snapped it open with a flourish. 

Ross slicked his own fingers, watching Barry’s eyes widen. Ross was always a bit of a show-off. He bent his knees and spread his legs wide, reaching down in a practiced motion and slipping his index finger inside himself.

“Holy shit,” Barry panted, as Ross pressed inside to the first knuckle. “Ross, you look incredible.”

“Feels good,” Ross bit his lip and thrust his finger gently. He was still tight, but not tense. His finger slipped in and out easily and it didn’t take him long to press another inside. Ross rocked his hips, fucking himself down on his own hand and moaning softly. Under the heat of Barry’s gaze, it felt better than it ever had.

“Let me try,” Barry said, his hand closing around Ross’s wrist. He withdrew Ross’s fingers from his own hole. “I want to feel you.”

“Fuck,” Ross gasped, his head falling back as Barry touched the pad of his finger to his entrance. “Oh, fuck, fuck, Barry, yes.”

“You’re so tight,” Barry whispered, awed. “So fucking tight, Ross.”

His fingers were bigger than Ross’s, a hell of a lot bigger. He only used one, and it still felt like a lot. Ross whimpered high in his throat and Barry stilled.

“Hurts?”

“No,” Ross bit out. “Feels amazing. Feels so fucking good.”

Barry moved slowly, hesitantly, his eyes on Ross’s face. He was crooking his finger, searching, and Ross could tell that he had some idea of what he was looking for. When he found it, a blast of sensation exploded deep in Ross’s groin. His hips bucked and he let out a sharp cry of pleasure.

“Right there, huh?” Barry brushed the spot again, igniting a fire in Ross’s pelvis. He was gentle, not prodding too hard, as if aware how sensitive Ross could be. 

“Yes,” Ross gasped, “yes, yes, there, so good, so good with your fucking hands, Barry.”

“So I’ve heard,” Barry chuckled, and then there was a second finger pressing against his rim, and Ross’s body opened easily and took it inside.

They stayed like that for some time, Barry rocking his hand nice and slow, his fingers slowly stretching Ross’s tight passage, the pleasure continuing to build like a massive wave rolling up from the deeps. Finally, Ross could contain himself no longer. 

“Barry,” he said. “I think I’m ready.”

“You’re ready for me?” Barry’s voice was rough. Ross nodded, and Barry pressed a kiss to his thigh and withdrew his fingers slowly.

Ross tried not to whimper at the loss. He gave Barry a little grin and said, “Lemme up?”

Barry leaned back, giving Ross room to flip over on his stomach and raise himself up on all fours. Barry’s hands immediately settled on his ass, stroking and kneading him.

“I know I keep saying this,” he said, “but you’re fucking beautiful, Ross.”

Ross arched his back and pushed into Barry’s touch. “So are you,” he said. “I want you so much.”

“Are you sure about this, Ross?” Barry asked him quietly. “One hundred percent sure?”

God, if Barry took any longer getting in him, Ross was going to explode. “I want you to fuck me, okay,” Ross rolled his hips, grinding his ass against Barry’s groin. “I want you to fuck me with your big dick.”

It was a dumb porn star sentence, but it made Barry grip him tightly and shudder. “Fuck, Ross.”

“Mmm,” Ross wiggled his hips. “Yes, please do.”

“You’re such a dork,” Barry chuckled, giving him a gentle pat on the ass. It was barely a slap, and yet it still made Ross gasp and moan. It took Barry’s laugh right out of his throat. He leaned down and kissed him right where his palm had hit. 

“Barry,” Ross groaned, his elbows shaking. Barry kissed him again, on the other cheek, and that was about all the warning he got before Barry’s hands spread him open and Barry’s _tongue_ was on him, lapping warmly at Ross’s hole.

For all his toys and experimentation, nothing could have prepared Ross for this. His shaking elbows gave way and his front half collapsed onto the bed. Barry’s hands kept his ass held high, kept him open for his tongue to keep exploring.

“Oh fuck,” Ross said into the pillow. “Fuckfuckfuck, your fucking _tongue_ , holy fuck.”

“So mouthy,” Barry said, and Ross could feel the warm moist puff of Barry’s breath on his fucking _asshole_ , and when Barry’s lips and tongue returned to start giving him firm, wet licks, Ross almost yelled.

“Barry,” he begged brokenly. “I can’t take it, I can’t take it, just put it in me. Please, I _need_. I need your cock.”

He heard the snap of the lube, heard Barry let out a little hiss as if it was cold on his cock as he slicked up. Ross waited, his head hung down submissively and his mouth hanging open as he panted. Between his legs, his cock felt heavy and his balls felt hot and tight. When he felt Barry’s hand on his hip he spread his thighs invitingly and held his breath as the wet nip nudged against him.

“Tell me if I hurt you,” said Barry like the gentleman he was, and then his hands gripped Ross’s hips more tightly as he began to push inside.

At first there was nothing but a blunt pressure, almost like Ross’s experience with the dildo. From his practice he knew that he could take it, could breathe through it and let his body open up. Ross took deep breaths and focused on relaxing the lower half of his body - and then, with a lightning bolt of shock, it was in, Barry had breeched him and Barry was sliding slowly inside. 

Both men moaned, Barry even more loudly than Ross.

“Oh, my God.” Ross wriggled, feeling stuffed so full, and fuck, Barry wasn’t even halfway in.

“Is it good?” Barry asked him breathlessly. “You’re just fucking - just squeezing all around me, so goddamn tight…”

Ross clenched himself again more deliberately. “It’s good,” he moaned. “It’s so fucking good, Barry, move, please. Fuck me, fuck me and make me come, I want to feel your come in me too.”

“Yeah?” Barry gave a short, quick thrust, just out an inch and back in, testing the waters. “Like that?”

“Just like that,” Ross dropped his head forward. “But more.”

Barry didn’t just pound into him right away, although Ross would not have complained if he did. He moved with great deliberation, careful and exact, taking care to whisper little words of affection as he rubbed at Ross’s back and shoulders. With time, his tiny thrusts grew deeper, harder, increasing slowly with each passing minute and driving Ross right out of his mind.

Finally, Barry’s hands slid down to his hips and gripped him there tightly, using his hold as leverage to thrust more deeply. It was all hot slick friction, maddeningly smooth, the angle just a little too high to hit his prostate directly, but the light pressure on it every time Barry bottomed out had Ross’s eyes rolling back in his head. 

“Fuck,” Barry said as Ross began to push back against him on every thrust. His hips stilled and Ross continued, fucking himself on Barry’s dick like he’d done with the dildo. “You look…you look unbelievably hot like this, Ross, you can’t possibly know how much you turn me on.”

Ross whimpered, grinding his ass back until Barry began to move again. His whimper rose into a little scream when Barry pulled out almost all the way and thrust to the hilt again in one quick motion.

“Do that again, fuck, please,” Ross babbled. “Barry, fuck. Fucking - fuck me hard, just like that.”

The room filled with the sound of their moans, Barry pounding into him now the way Ross wanted, his hips smacking into Ross’s ass. 

Ross remembered how he’d come without being touched from the dildo. He felt the same slow burn now, his body rising towards orgasm slowly and steadily, getting hotter and hotter with every one of Barry’s thrusts. Ross broke out in a sweat and braced himself.

“You look so good just taking me like this,” Barry panted. “Shit, Ross.”

“I’m gonna,” Ross gasped. “Don’t stop. I’m gonna - Barry, I - ” 

“Right there?” Barry did something with his hips, or maybe he shifted his knees, because all of a sudden there was the perfect amount of pressure on Ross’s prostate.

“ _Oh, fuck_ , yes! _Yes!_ ” Beads of sweat rolled down Ross’s temples and dripped from his chin. Barry’s grip on him was sliding. Everything was so hot and wet and dirty, so fucking good. Every time he gulped another breath of air he let it out with a moan. 

He was so fucking close, right there, right at the edge, and his toes were curling and his eyes couldn’t focus anymore. Everything felt so good, and it was _Barry_ , Barry was doing this to him, making him feel this good. 

Ross opened his mouth for air again just as his orgasm slammed into him. He made a short, broken cry, the edges of his vision going blurry as he painted the sheets beneath him with spurt after spurt of come.

“Holy shit,” he heard Barry say from somewhere far away. Ross trembled and gripped the sheets hard to keep himself from falling over. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Ross said immediately. He barely knew which way was up but he knew that he didn’t want Barry to stop fucking him, not now, not ever. “No, don’t take it out, please don’t take it out.”

Barry exhaled hard. “Okay,” he said. “Okay, fuck, Ross, hold on.”

It didn’t take long. Barry began fucking him in quick, sharp thrusts that shook the bed and had Ross grabbing at the headboard for balance. Ross could hear his quick puffs of air over the blood roaring in his own ears.

It still felt good - a little much, a little too sensitive, but good all the same. The feeling of being stretched wide was gone, and now it was just a nice warm friction that went up and up and up, an easy slide. Barry had done that - had opened him up so wide with his cock.

“Come on,” Ross murmured as that thought made his face flush with heat, “come on, Barry, come for me. Fill me up.”

Barry groaned softly and fell forward. Ross braced his stance to support the weight. Barry’s breath was hot on the back of Ross’s neck as his thrusts became quicker, more desperate, some of his rhythm gone now.

“Ross,” Barry moaned. “I love you, Ross. Love you so fucking much.”

Ross grinned and rolled his hips back against Barry. “Love you too, Bar,” he said. 

Ross registered the sudden splash of heat and warmth inside of him before he heard Barry’s long, musical moan. Ross had to gasp at the sensation - how slippery he suddenly felt around Barry’s dick, how he knew he was full of Barry’s cum and maybe when Barry pulled out he’d be able to see it all in there. Ross’s tired cock twitched just thinking about it.

Slowly, gently, while keeping their bodies pressed together, Barry managed to maneuver them both into laying down as if spooning. He pressed wet kisses to the back of Ross’s neck, mumbling nonsense words and Ross’s name, and Ross could feel the man’s heart beating against his back. 

Eventually he groaned, shifting so that his softened cock slipped out of Ross wetly. “That was amazing,” Barry said hoarsely. “Fuck, Ross.” He buried his face in Ross’s hair. 

“I thought you just did,” Ross mumbled.

“What?” Barry asked, and then, when Ross giggled, “Oh, come on.” 

“We should order pizza,” Ross said after a few moments of cuddling in contented silence. “A big cheesy pizza with bacon and sausage.” 

Barry didn’t answer, so Ross wriggled and rolled over to look at him. “You okay?” he asked.

Barry blinked at him. “I’m just wondering if I can even stand up. My brains are leaking out of my ears.”

“Mmm,” Ross said, pushing his face into Barry’s chest. “Brains.”

Barry laughed. “Are you a zombie now?”

“Yep. You killed me,” Ross agreed. “With your cock.”

“You are literally the worst pillow talker I’ve ever met,” Barry said after a beat, and Ross began to cackle. In the midst of laughing he snorted, and that set Barry off too. Barry put his arms around Ross and squeezed him tight. 

Ross hugged him back. They were nose-to-nose. Ross knew he looked a mess. He was covered in sweat, his chin felt sticky as if he might have been drooling, for Christ’s sake, and he could feel how mussed his hair was. But Barry, who was round-eyed and red-faced, was gazing back at him as if he were the most beautiful person in the whole world. 

Ross thought back to the way Barry had looked back at the picnic table in the park, which was only earlier that day but also a lifetime ago. He remembered thinking that Barry could not possibly look any more handsome than he did then, all sun-dappled and his eyes reflecting the blue sky. Now he knew he’d been wrong.

“I love you,” Ross said again, and kissed him firmly. 

After a few long, pleasant minutes of trading breaths and small smiles and more gentle kisses, Barry cleared his throat. “Are you staying here with me tonight?”

“Where else would I go?” 

“Good.” Barry kissed his forehead and wriggled closer until their bodies fit together perfectly.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here with you,” Ross told him honestly.

Barry’s eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled.

Eventually, Ross knew that they would have to get up. They were both sticky with sweat and come and lube. Ross was thirsty and needed some milk. They hadn’t eaten dinner. Ross’s stomach would soon start to growl and complain. And besides, it was barely eight o’clock, and as tired as Ross felt right now, the last thing they needed was to pass out at eight and wake up fully rested at three AM. 

But for now, he was content to lay wrapped in Barry’s arms, listening to the beat of his heart. 

Ross closed his eyes and focused on immortalizing this moment in his memory forever.

**

“So I was right,” Ross declared when he came into the office kitchen the next day and saw Dan looking dreamily happy and sporting a hickey on his neck that he had tried (and failed) to cover up with foundation that was nowhere close to his skin colour. Judging by the shade, Ross guessed that it was Suzy’s makeup. 

“What?” Dan’s hand went to his neck. He immediately tried to cover this action by pretending as if he were scratching an itch there.

“You had fun at Arin’s last night, I see.”

“No,” Dan slapped a hand over the mark. “I - I fell into a door?”

Ross began to giggle. Dan’s bewildered look - as if he couldn’t fathom why his lie hadn’t worked - made the giggle turn into a cackle, which turned into full-on shrieking laughter that brought tears to his eyes. He laughed until he couldn’t breathe. 

When he started to hiccup, Barry curved an arm around his shoulders. “That’s so cute,“ he said, giving Ross that smile that lit up the room. Ross’s giggle died on his lips. Powerless to resist the force of that smile, he threw his arms around Barry’s neck and kissed him firmly on the lips. 

The rest of the office disappeared, and Ross put his arms around Barry’s neck as they both deepened the kiss.

“Oh, come on!” Dan protested, throwing a hand over his eyes. “Not at work, jeeze!” 

Ross broke the kiss to giggle again. He laid his head on Barry’s shoulder. “Sorry, Danny.”

“No, you’re not.” Dan rolled his eyes, opened a cupboard, and found a box of Ritz crackers to munch. But he couldn’t pretend to be annoyed for long. That dreamy look came over his face again. He kept looking at the door, waiting for something - or somebody.

Then Arin swaggered in, his eyes on Dan, a big dopey grin on his face. Ross could tell that he didn’t even register the fact that he and Barry were in the room too. 

“Dan,” he rumbled. “Come here.”

“What?” Dan turned pink.

“You ready?” Arin lifted an eyebrow.

“For what?”

“Grump room,” Arin said meaningfully. “We have work to do. A lot of work.” 

“Oh. _Oh_ , okay! Yes!”

“What happened to ‘not at work’?” Ross asked, all fake snark.

“New rule,” Dan said as Arin took him by the hand. “Not where others can witness it.”

“We all have to use that couch, you know. You better call someone to steam-clean it after.”

Dan bypassed red and turned purple. “Oh, my God, we’re not going to - to - do _that_!”

Arin laughed. “Ross, stop teasing him.”

“I’m sorry,” Ross said earnestly. “Sorry that your boyfriend is such an easy target.”

Arin made sure to flick Ross’s shoulder before he dragged a puppy-eyed Dan off to the grump room.

“I guess we can’t laugh,” Ross said to Barry when they were gone. “We were worse than they ever were.”

“I don’t know about that.” Barry chuckled.

“You thought I was dating Dan, don’t even give me that.”

“Well, you _did_ have your mouth all over him.”

“ _All over him_ , jesus, one little raspberry and you think I’m fucking the guy.”

“It was a logical conclusion.”

“Speaking of raspberries,” Ross said as if Barry hadn’t spoken. “Gimme one of those frozen fruit pops?” He made grabby hands in the direction of the freezer. “The ones with the real fruit chunks. They’re healthy.”

Barry snorted. “They’re ninety percent sugar.” His hand brushed Ross’s stomach, his fingers slipping under the hem of his T-shirt to touch the faint trail of hair below Ross’s belly button. 

“Mmm,” Ross hummed, enjoying the casual intimacy of Barry’s touch. “How ‘bout you give _me_ some sugar?”

“How about I give you a raspberry instead?” Before Ross could react, Barry shoved his shirt up and ducked his head down low.

Ross shrieked as Barry’s lips brushed the sensitive skin. “No, nonono, that tickles! _Barry!_ ” He pushed helplessly at Barry’s shoulder. “Oh, God, it tickles, I’m going to pee, oh no, no, _no!_ ” 

Barry’s back was shaking with laughter and he went down on his knees for better balance as Ross tried to wriggle free. Ross laughed even harder, grabbing the back of Barry’s head as he twisted and squirmed, his face turning red.

It was an unfortunate time for Brian to walk in. He took in the sight before him calmly. “In the kitchen, guys? Does this have to happen in the kitchen?”

Barry scrambled to his feet, turning crimson. “It’s really not what it looks like.”

“Well,” Ross said apologetically, “it kind of is what it looks like, just not as bad as what you think it looks like.”

Brian just shook his head and walked to the coffee maker. 

“So,” Ross said, leaning against the counter all casual. “Barry and I sort of have an announcement?”

Brian added a teaspoon of sugar to his coffee and stirred it noisily. “Which one of you is pregnant?” 

“Hey, hey.” Ross put on a hurt face and covered his stomach with his hands. “You should only ask that if you’re sure.” 

“Right.” Brian sipped from his mug. “I don’t want to steal your thunder, but if your announcement is that you’re together, it’s really not an announcement. That word implies that I didn’t already know.”

“See,” Barry said to Ross, “when people walk in on someone giving another someone a raspberry, this is the conclusion they jump to.”

“Well, it’s not like I was on my knees in front of Dan like you were just now!”

Brian’s eyebrow hitched. 

“I’ll tell you the story later,” Ross said hurriedly.

“I’m sure that will be fascinating,” Brian said dryly. “For now, just try to keep it in your pants while you’re at work, okay?”

“I have a private office now,” Ross reminded him, mildly indignant. 

“The walls are paper thin,” Brian said. “I can hear you _fart_ when you’re in there. I really don’t want to hear anything else.”

“Fair enough.”

“There’s really nowhere to do it in your office anyway,” Barry added thoughtfully. “Except on your desk.”

“I expected this behaviour from Ross,” Brian said, “but I am surprised and disappointed in you, Barry.”

“I guess Ross is rubbing off on me,” Barry said.

Brian paused. “That sentence takes on a whole new meaning in this context, doesn’t it?”

Their laughter echoed through the office. Barry looked a little embarrassed, but Brian just tipped Ross a wink.

Ross felt something loosen in his chest. For the first time he became aware of how relaxed he was, how his shoulders and neck no longer ached with strain. He looked over at Barry. He could look for as long as he wanted.

Everything was going to be okay.

**

The sun broke the horizon the next morning with such a glorious, blazing beauty that Ross could almost hear a chorus of angels serenading him. The world around him was tinted rose as he drove to pick up Holly at the airport. Everything smelled fresh and clean - or as fresh and clean as SoCal ever got.

LAX sucked as always, but when Ross saw Holly, he forgot about everything else but her. She looked exhausted, her hair mussed, her eyes red from lack of sleep. And she was beautiful.

Ross kissed her long and hard, his hand on the back of her head, uncaring of all the people around them.

When they broke apart, Holly looked at him with those beautiful crinkled eyes.

“So I hear you have a story to tell me,” she said, raising one eyebrow. “Something that you can’t explain over the phone.”

“I’ll tell you on the way home, after we get you a hot tea and some food,” Ross said, “but oh, my God, I don’t even know where to start.”

To her credit, Holly only laughed once - when Ross had to tell her what he was watching when Barry made his surprise visit.

“Only you, Ross,” she said, shaking her head. “Only you.”

She was still smiling when Barry came over later, his body language tense and fearful as he walked into the house that Ross and Holly shared. He looked at Ross with huge eyes, then looked to Holly, standing a few feet away.

“Hi, Barry.” Ross kissed him.

Barry kissed back, but his eyes were on Holly when they broke apart,

“Is this okay?” Barry asked her, quiet and respectful. 

Holly just laughed and collapsed onto the couch. Orph and Mojo trotted out, all mrrs and happy tails, to rub at her ankles. “Of course it’s okay.”

“I love him,” Barry said, as if Holly didn’t already know.

“So do I.” Holly beckoned, and Ross sat on the couch next to her. He kissed her cheek and buried his nose in her neck happily. She smelled sweet and musty, with a faint tang of sweat.

Barry watched them. “I don’t want to make you feel like…” He trailed off.

“Like what?” Holly stroked Ross’s hair and looked at Barry with her head tilted. 

“Like I’m trying to take him away from you, or…or that I don’t respect that you have. I know it will be hard. Having him spend time with both of us, separately.”

Holly said, “Does it have to be like that?”

“Like what?”

“Separate. Him and me, or him and you.”

“What else could…” Barry began, and then his eyes went huge. “Wait. Do you really mean - that you would - ?”

Holly nodded, her gaze softening as she looked at Barry. “You’re a great guy,” she said. “A great friend. And you’re not so hard to look at, you know.”

Barry blushed and looked at Ross, who could only grin back. Barry looked at Holly again, and this time he let his gaze linger. Ross knew what he was seeing. Holly was a goddamn goddess in grandma clothes, her glorious figure still evident despite her oversized cardigan and slouchy pants.

“We could see how it goes,” Holly said gently. “No pressure, okay?”

“No pressure,” Barry agreed, and sat on the other side of Ross. When he put an arm around Ross, his hand brushed Holly’s shoulder. She reached up and clasped his fingers loosely.

Ross curled up between them, his heart full to bursting, surrounded by love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments and the kudos, as always!  
> <3


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